Tag Archives: wealth

Wealth

He’ll Teach Himself How to Be Rich…

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Ramit Sethi and James Altucher frequently spam me with email content that I actually want to read. Both are brilliant marketers, having built their own brand around taking a strong stance in the world of finance (if you don’t know them — that’s Sethi, with his make more vs save more philosophy, and Altucher with his whole shtick of I’ve been rich and broke and rich and broke and rich again, all while being depressive and charmingly neurotic.)

Both write LONG emails. Both are anti-establishment yet pro money. They clearly each have a lot to say. And, of course, both have written books and maintain a sizable following of their personal brands. If I were a more productive and focused and confident person I could maybe do that as well, but still after all these years I hide behind anonymity because I’ve yet to decide to quit my job for good and become some sort of motivational personality. Cue that annoying cheerleader song.

Every so often one of the emails sent by Ramit or James sparks a little flame in my mind that twirls around until I put it out with a blog post. Today, Ramit’s pitch was on “invest in yourself.” This isn’t anything new from him, but he did detail out how in his childhood he grew up in a lower class family and his parents found $800 to send him to an SAT class because they believed strongly in investing in what matters. He extends that philosophy to now investing $50k in “luxury items” per year (which he can do because I’m sure he’s making well over $1M per year with all his speaking and writing and workshops and such) – but underneath the clever marketing ploy to convince readers to invest in his programs for their personal growth (and fund his next $50k worth of luxury purchases) lies a good point — we have one life, invest in the things that make us better.

This year, I’ve decided to invest in a personal trainer. She comes to my apartment complex three days a week in the morning and calls me up if I’m not out of bed yet. I hate working out and I hate waking up even more, but that $50 a session / $600 a month is completely worth it. Health is everything. As the stock market starts to tank this year (and my portfolio appears to have paper losses of about $25k year-to-date (uhh, that’s just 9 days of $25k “losses”), it’s a good reminder that investing isn’t everything. Or, sometimes investing in yourself is just as valuable as investing in some hot growth stock with a miraculously low P/E despite an overvalued market.

I’m still going to try to sock away at least $30k this year of net new savings, and for all I know this year may end up being a wash. But really, at this point, I’m letting go a bit when it comes to aggressive savings. It’s time to live a little. I’ve got one or two years left before I have kids (hopefully), so it feels like as good a time as any to spend a little more than I normally would on things like health, education, hobbies, travel and other experiences (i.e. upcoming wedding.)

While I may never sign up for one of Ramit’s super expensive classes, I do agree with his general sentiment – invest in yourself first. It’s like oxygen masks on an airplane – make sure you can breathe first before helping others. Soon I hope to do nothing but help others. For now, I’m figuring out how to breathe.

Class & Wealth, Economy, Occupy Something, Wealth

Middle Class? Not So Fast. A Tale of a Downwardly Mobile Society

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With election season starting to heat up, so is reporting on the so-called “middle class.” Apparently, 9 in 10 Americans consider themselves “middle class” (I’m no math genius but something tells me medians and averages don’t work that way.) Given most Americans are middle class in their minds, and middle class today isn’t what it used to be, in short, everyone is freaking out.

Ok middle-class math, why does America hate you so much?

“The middle-class label is as much about aspirations among Americans as it is about economics. But a perspective that was once characterized by comfort and optimism has increasingly been overlaid with stress and anxiety.” — Telegram

I see. So most Americans aspire to be middle class, as everyone has been sold this dream of working hard to get the basics in American life — a decent house, backyard, education, healthcare, maybe vacation once a year. No one is expecting to afford regular Gucci on a middle class income. We were just all told work hard and you too can be middle class, and quite frankly upwardly mobile from your parents lifestyles. Yet, even if you’re doing exactly the same thing your parents did, you’re actually worse off today. No wonder we’re all anxious.

“A recent report from economists at the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis concluded that “families that are neither rich nor poor may be under more downward economic and financial pressure than common but simplistic rank-based measures of income or wealth would suggest. The study, conducted by William R. Emmons and Bryan J. Noeth, found that one reason many Americans viewed themselves as struggling was that their real incomes had not advanced significantly beyond their parents’ even when they reached higher educational levels, while those who matched their parents’ achievements were actually worse off.”

The New York Times published an article this week titled “Middle Class, But Feeling Economically Insecure.” That headline, brilliant, sums the middle class anxiety up to a T.

Continue reading Middle Class? Not So Fast. A Tale of a Downwardly Mobile Society →

Class & Wealth

How to Give Financial Advice to People Who Ask But Won’t Listen

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Recently a friend of mine from childhood, who now lives in a different part of the state, was in town on a road trip and stopped to have dinner with me. While we grew up in the same middle class neighborhood, her family was definitely more “middle class” versus mine which was “upper middle class.” So when she asked me for some financial advice due to a potential windfall from a recent family death, I paused before sharing my typical spiel.

Said friend currently owns property with a mortgage (her parents helped her with the downpayment), but otherwise lives paycheck to paycheck. She makes $60k a year and to her that’s a lot (I did not mention that my income is north of $150k right now, but that’s neither here nor there because that’s a short-lived situation anyway.) She mentioned that she was considering investing in Primerica Financial Services, which I hadn’t heard of before, but sounded a bit like a god-awful pyramid scheme. She acknowledged that it sort of a pyramid scheme, but she was interested in it anyway. If you tell me that and ask for financial advice, I’m going to give it to you.

My advice was fairly simple. I asked her if she had any retirement savings and she said yes, she had invested in 401ks at other jobs before, up to the match (great) but then went on to tell me that she had no idea where any of these accounts were. “Is there one 401k account somewhere that I can just call up?” She asked. I tried to explain to her that she should call her old employers, locate where her accounts are, and ideally roll these over into a Vanguard IRA. In the meantime, if she were to get the small windfall, to invest this in a Roth IRA in order to continue saving for retirement. She wanted access to the money sooner than that, so I recommended a taxable Vanguard STAR fund, but to consider putting it into a Roth anyway and forgetting it ever happened.

When she was asking me about stocks, it became apparent that she understood practically nothing about personal finance. It also became apparent to me that I’ve learned quite a bit in the last 10 years of my life since starting this blog – not enough to be a CFP but enough to hold my own in advising on basic money moves. I enjoyed providing advice and helping her, but I have a feeling she isn’t going to take a bit of my advice. Oh well. At least I tried.

Career

What is the American Dream?

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The American Dream for my parents was to be able to achieve a lifestyle for their family and children better than the ones they grew up in, in the lower middle class. And they both achieved that dream — with upward mobility and college education they were able to obtain a comfortable upper middle class life with my mother staying at home to take care of the kids – my father worked long hours during the week as a consultant and traveled to maintain that lifestyle but he was still home on the weekends and, given there was no Internet, when he was home he was focused on the family. We ate dinner together. He tried to help me with my homework. Our family had plenty of issues, but on paper, and in front of our suburban house sitting on 3/4 acre, we were the American Dream realized.

On the train earlier today my mind drifted to the concept of the American Dream today. My Dream is to be able to afford a house, have a family, not work 10 hour days, have time to actually enjoy life, but still have a fulfilling career. I’m asking for too much because that’s not a realistic dream. To be successful at my current job I need to work 10+ hour days and often on the weekends, and forget about vacation. I’m not complaining, that’s just the reality of the situation. This sort of lifestyle is challenging but do-able without kids, I just can’t imagine being able to maintain this if I am to have a family in a few years. And then what?

I like working. I know I go crazy trying to be perfect at it and struggle to prioritize tasks and get the meaningful stuff done, but ultimately I’d prefer to work than not to work. And, if I’m going to work a job for income beyond paying the basic bills, I want to work a job that is interesting, challenging, and offers the opportunity to learn on a regular basis. However, that seems to be synonymous with working long hours and getting home after 8pm, passing out an hour or so later, and waking up at the crack of dawn to do it all over again.

First world problems, I know. I should be so thankful that I have such a great job – and I am. I’m not even talking about “today,” more so – where this is getting me to in the next 10… 20 years of my life. From 30 to 50, who will I be? Will the next 20 years blur before my eyes as every second of my life is dedicated to work? That’s not a bad thing, per se, but it’s just the reality of the American Dream. Work hard and you can have it all, yes, have it all, except the time to enjoy it all. If you’re lucky you’ll have saved up enough to have some sort of reasonable couple of years of retirement before your body gives up on you.

Is the new American Dream five or ten good years of retirement in between working yourself ragged and being stuck in a nursing home? I’m sure that’s not how everyone looks at things. I just think I’ve actually advanced into a role today where I’m now seeing what it’s like to be a senior leader – and all of the responsibility that really goes into that – and the fact that you’re expected to be available 24/7 – and again, I think that’s ok now, but how would I do that when I’m a mother? I’m exhausted now and I have no other responsibilities. So how do people actually do this?

Maybe it’s just the lifestyle of working for a small company that I’d find challenging for the long term… or maybe it’s all executive roles… if you’re not fighting fires to save customers or get our the latest release you’re out mingling and networking. I never thought I’d have that kind of life… then again, I never thought I’d be in any sort of “business” to begin with. Business was for the boring people who followed the rules. But now, I’m just one of those boring people who attempts to follow the rules… and I want to somehow picture what my life will be for the next 20 years and prepare myself for this while focusing on helping my company win today, and doing whatever it takes.

But I’m scared… because I don’t want this to be my entire 30s and 40s. And either I’m going to get really good at it so I’ll never be able to step down from the opportunities on the table / or I’m not, and, well, it’s even scarier to think that I still have to figure out what I am actually good at… and know that it might be too late to pivot so drastically. For now, I’m focused on winning. But I wish I understood what my American Dream is.

Wealth

How to Get Rich Long

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Good luck on getting rich quick. I gave up on that dream long ago. But getting rich (not super duper rich, but relatively compared to the rest of the U.S. population rich) is within reach for everyone. It really comes down to making more than you spend, spending less than you earn, earnings as much as possible when you’re as young as possible and investing that as quickly as possible into index funds.

Yes, it’s that simple.

If I could do it all over again, I’d get a job at the youngest age I legally could and start contributing as much as I could to a ROTH IRA each year. The best time to contribute to a ROTH IRA is when you’re making next to nothing. Why? ROTH IRAs are taxed up front, meaning if you’re making $10k a year you are not paying a whole lot in taxes but you’re still eligible to max out the ROTH IRA. Even the NY Times agrees with me.

Unfortunately, when I was 14 I had no idea what a ROTH IRA was, nor did I understand the magic of compound interest in terms of how it applies to personal finance over the years.

Let’s say a 14 year old contributes the maximum to her ROTH IRA (just $5500 a year) from age 14 through retirement. This smart gal wants to retire at 75. If she begins investing $5500 a year at 14 for 50 years, she will have $1,272,055 in retirement. That’s a lot, and should be enough to inspire kids to start saving young. But that’s with 5% ROI compounding annually. What if the stock market performs even better? Say, over 50 years the stock market is up 10% YoY on average? That same investment will be worth $7,687,296 at retirement.

Forget about inheritances, there is nothing more helpful for your children then to support them in maxing out their Roth IRA from the youngest possible legal age.

While it’s not possible for every family, offering your teenager a match on their earnings as long as they commit to putting what they actually earned into a Roth IRA, up to $5500, is a good way to start. If not possible to do a full match, think about what you can afford to match (50%?) to encourage them to save. Also, create charts which show them how much their dollar today will be worth in 50 years. While teens want to spend now more than later and aren’t thinking about their golden years yet, letting them know that your help could turn them into a millionaire in retirement by saving just $5500 a year will go a long way.

I wish the government would offer this program for youth — you earn $5500 and we’ll match it by putting $5500 into your retirement account. I guess that’s social security, but it’s not a 1 for 1 match. This should be a program for people under the age of 21 to teach them about the value of savings and give everyone a head start for retirement. I don’t know how that would work, but it would certainly help out families that cannot afford to match their children’s contributions.

Even if your kids can put away just $1000 per year in a Vanguard STAR fund, this will go a long way in retirement (though I recommend maxing out the Roth IRA every year from age 14 on.)

So you didn’t start a Roth IRA at 14?

Investing ASAP, whenever that is, will help you get to wealth. For better or worse our economy is set up where riches only come with some risk. If you don’t take risks, you may very well lead a comfortable life, but it’s unlikely you’ll be rich (unless you have a trust fund.)

If you give yourself 40 years until retirement at a 5% YoY return rate, you’ll have $736k when you retire at 65 (and start investing at 25.) A 10% YoY return rate will give you a nice $2.9M in retirement. Given that today people should try to reach $2M before retiring, starting investing at 25 at the latest is an ideal move.

Ultimately, if you wait longer to invest, you have to invest more per year in order to catch up. That can be very hard when you’re not earning a lot in your 20s and then if/when you have kids and find it harder to save in your 30s. Starting early when you are supported by your parents but can still earn and invest the best way to prepare for retirement, so you don’t even have to think about it beyond the $5.5k annual contribution throughout your life. You can also start to max out your 401k if you have access to one ($17.5k) at some point, but there will be less pressure on doing this and you can enjoy your money when you’re still young enough to travel and have a very active life.

Rich, IMO, is not about the $ amount you have in the bank, but about the financial security you have so you feel comfortable spending money NOW to enjoy life. This is not the same as wasting money on frivolous luxury items (though if this makes you happy and you have saved for retirement and your other basic needs, then go for it) but this means being able to afford a house, a car, family vacations, dining out every once in a while, and the lifestyle YOU want. That’s what “rich” is. Working towards reasonably hitting $2M in retirement (which again, is very possible if you start at age 14 – 20), will make you rich.

Economy, Taxes, Wealth

Update: Tax Benefits only the Rich Enjoy

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One of my readers, Jake, posted a thoughtful response to my post 10 Tax Breaks Only the Rich Enjoy noting that my explanations were factually inaccurate. I thought he had some really good points, so I wanted to address each below. I also want to clarify that I do not necessarily have anything against rich individuals who worked their way up to obtain wealth. The problem is that once a family has money they can maintain that money within their family for generations, with many “trust-fund babies” not having to earn their wealth. Also, I have a problem with tax loopholes that are designed to only benefit the wealthy yet that are useless to the middle class.

(Side note: I think that federal and state income tax should be adjusted for cost of living per county. It is obscene that a San Francisco household should have to pay the same effective tax rate to someone in Fresno where cost of living is much lower. $300k in AGI for a married couple is a lot in many regions of the country and in others it is squarely in the middle class. Thus, income tax brackets should be adjusted for cost of living. I’m not sure if this could work, but it would make a lot more sense then the current tax system.)

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Jake wrote: “Sorry, but most of this applies to the 0.01% of income earners, not the 1%. Additionally, a lot of what you outline is misleading. I’ll address each section.”

While many of these tax breaks are most beneficial for the .01%, the .05% and yes even the 1% get more out of many of these tax breaks than people with middle class incomes. The super, super rich get the best tax breaks of all.

RE: The Rich paying 0% on Capital Gains Tax

Jake: I don’t know how you got 0% capital gains tax. Not only do the rich have to pay capital gains tax, but they pay it at a higher rate because of their income.

The really rich do not pay capital gains tax at a higher rate. How can this be? Most people who aren’t extremely wealthy have to work and work for pay. When we work, we generate income. This income is what defines our capital gains tax rate. The top capital gains rate for the wealthy is 20%. So how are some getting away with not paying any capital gains tax?

The super rich do not need to generate income. If an investor is in the 10% and 15% tax bracket for income, then s/he pays 0% in capital gains tax. This means that if someone has enough money to sustain them via investment growth and dividends, s/he never has to earn income and can stay in the lowest income tax bracket, thus withdrawing any dividends and gains on investments at a 0% capital gains tax rate.

Thus, my point is that capital gains tax rate should be the same for everyone, not based on income levels, so that way no one can cheat the system.

RE: Mitt Romney paid just 15% federal income taxes despite making way more money than someone in the top brackets

Jake: Yes, Mitt Romney paid 15% in federal income taxes, but most Americans making 50-75k paid 7.8%. Someone that makes 100-200 paid 12.1%. The kicker? The bottom 50% of income earners paid 0% in income taxes. It puts Romney’s 15% in context. These are facts.

This isn’t about the bottom 50%. Yes, in our society people who make money pay tax to support services for people who are unable to make enough money to live, true. But the actual problem here is not about the bottom 50%. It’s the fact that the middle class is disappearing due to loopholes like this only available to the super rich. If you make $100,000 a year (single filer) you will pay 21.18% of all of your income to federal tax. If you make $200k, you’ll pay 24.93% of your income to federal tax. At $300k a year, that’s 27.62% to federal taxes. But if you’re super rich and in one of these jobs where the loopholes are available, you can pay much less while earning much more.

RE: Home deduction tax benefit is much better for the rich than the middle class

Jake: “Yes, the rich enjoy the home interest deduction along with 67% of America. The rest of Americans can also deduct the full amount, while the PEASE limitation reduces the amount that the rich can deduct.”

True. However, the way taxes work, the wealthy are getting a much bigger benefit to purchase property over the middle class. If the wealthy haven’t taken advantage of the former loopholes, basic math tells us that the deduction for the rich is going to be greater than that for the middle class. “One of the unfortunate and largely unintended effects of structuring tax benefits as deductions or exclusions is that they tend to provide much bigger tax benefits to those in the highest tax brackets. For a wealthy taxpayer in the highest tax bracket—now 39.6 percent—a $10,000 itemized deduction, such as one for mortgage interest, results in $3,960 in tax savings. For a taxpayer in the 15 percent bracket, however, that same deduction is worth only $1,500.” (source) Yes, the PEASE limitation is helping this a bit, but the mortgage interest deduction still percentage-wise much greater benefits the wealthy over the average middle class person.

RE: Giving to charity to preserve family wealth

Jake: “This just doesn’t make sense. How can you knock giving to charity?”

Answer: Because “giving to charity” is not always actually giving to charity. For example, the Walton family, heirs and heiresses to the Walmart fortune, are using this loophole very smartly to preserve their wealth over generations. With a fortune worth $115.7B, the family is set for at least a few generations, and tax laws help them ensure this.

How is this possible? The Waltons and many other super rich families use a charitable trust that allows the donor to pass money on to heirs after an extended period of time without having to pay estate tax! If a donor locks up assets in charity  trusts (CLATs) for a long period of time an amount set by the donor is giving away each year but whatever is left goes to a beneficiary TAX FREE. Just one of the charitable trusts would result in $2.2B for Walton heirs, without owing any tax on it. (source). While most people won’t have to pay estate tax anyway (your estate needs to be worth more than $1M before estate taxes begin to be levied), it is the super rich that the estate tax is designed for – to ensure that people aren’t just living off their family’s wealth and never paying a cent to support the government or working a day in their lives.

RE: Deduction for private jets

Jake: ‘Not many 1%’ers own private jets. That’s for corporate CEOs, professional atheletes and entertainers….many of the 0.01%”

True. This is probably relevant only to the top elite only. Nonetheless, it’s still a tax break the super rich enjoy.

RE: Fake-Out Agricultural Tax Credits

Jake: Anyone who owns a home can do this (67% of America), not just the 1%

Each state has its own rules on how individuals who own property can take tax credits for agricultural use. The point is not whether anyone who owns a home can take these credits, but how the credits are much more valuable for people who own expensive homes and properties. Another example of this – in NJ, fake farmers are costing the state millions of dollars. The Farmland Assessment Act of 1964, intended to preserve agriculture in NJ, is being used by millionaires, developers and anyone with at least five acres of land to slash their farmland tax bills by 98% — all they need to do is produce $500 in goods per year to qualify for tax breaks. For instance, one person used a cow to eat the home’s front lawn for a few months and then sold the animal, enabling the individual to take the tax break on their five acres.  Even Bruce Springsteen takes this tax credit. While he pays $138k a year in taxes on his own home, he owns an additional 200 acres which he has a farmer come and grow a few tomatoes so he doesn’t have to pay a lot of tax on this land (only $4639 per year.) (source)

Thus this tax loophole doesn’t benefit 67% of America who own property, but only the super wealthy who own more than five acres of property (rules vary per state but generally this is designed to help the super rich fake farmers only.)

RE: Rental Property Tax Benefits

Jake: Anyone with a rental property can do this type of exchange, not just 1 percenters.

Again, you’re spot on Jake. Anyone can take advantage of the tax loophole which enables them to purchase rental property and do a like kind exchange to trade it for property worth the same or more without paying taxes. Now, only the rich can afford to do this enough for it to make a big difference. For example, as someone with $300,000 networth, I invest in real estate via REITs. When I sell a REIT I must pay capital gains tax on this REIT, even if I want to purchase another REIT. I cannot just trade this without paying any tax. Also, I could own rental property and do a like kind exchange, but with $300,000 total in networth I’m not going to be able to purchase enough property for this to really help. Since wealthy real estate investors can do this over and over again (there is no limit for how many times they can trade property without paying tax and taking deductions for depreciation of their owned properties on sale) in the long run they will only pay capital gains rates on the property sold last.

But if you’re really rich, you never have to sell this property when you’re alive! You can pass this on to your children tax free. The basis which your children will pay tax on upon sale of the asset is determined not by how much you paid for the property in the first place, but instead how much it was worth on the day you die. Assuming you were a very smart investor and used like-kind trades throughout your life, you could have significantly grown your real estate value over time, enjoyed depreciation deductions, and then pass on the property tax free to heirs who can sell it for the amount it’s worth on the day of your passing. Most people cannot afford to keep so much of their networth locked up in investment property, but the super rich can.

So, Jake, as you see, much of my points have to do with how these tax benefits mostly help the super rich. This may not be the 1% but at 1% you start to experience some of these benefits. Once you have a certain amount of money in your family, though, you can maintain it for many, many generations through these loopholes.

 

Family

Divorce is Expensive (Especially with Kids in the Picture)

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This past weekend I was helping my aunt figure out her budget and set up a Mint.com account. She was recently laid of from her long-time job, which wouldn’t have been a big issue years ago when she was still married with a household income of over $300,000. But going through her budget, suddenly even $10,000 a month of after-tax income looked very tight.

It certainly doesn’t help matters that my aunt lives in a very expensive part of the country. She now rents a lovely (yet small) 3br/2ba house for about $3400 a month (which isn’t that bad considering I currently pay $2350 for a one bedroom (my town is just even more expensive than hers.) She has a sizable amount saved up thanks to her marriage (and no prenup, worked out in her favor) but without a job she still could burn through that well before retirement age (she’s in her early 50s now.)

Continue reading Divorce is Expensive (Especially with Kids in the Picture) →

Class & Wealth, Economy, Education, In the News

Game of Thrones: An Allegory of America’s Class Warfare

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downloadOne of the best shows on TV today – Game of Thrones – is successful not only due to its typical onslaught of T&A HBO is known for (which is has plenty of, mind you), it’s because the show itself is an allegory of the age-old problem with societal inequality. Specifically, Game of Thrones walks the fine line between showing different families and individuals at war for wealth and power in a fantasy world, and one where us modern folks can relate by looking at what we’d sacrifice for the success and longevity of our own families.

I’m not the only one who sees the underlying commentary of humanity as a whole in the series, and beyond all the humping there’s a warning for us all: as long as wealth remains within families, there will always be conflict and violence. Peace is not possible, even for the peaceful.

Continue reading Game of Thrones: An Allegory of America’s Class Warfare →

Career, Wealth

The Valley Between Wealth and Regular

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For many people I know, wealth isn’t something they ever experience. Growing up in a suburban, middle-class town on the east coast, no one just had millions of dollars in the bank. If they did, they wouldn’t have chosen to live here.

But life on the other coast is far more steeped in the upper echelons of society. However, the millionaires and billionaires are mixed in with the rest of us. My former managers, likely already millionaires, have gone on to obtain even higher paying positions. Yes, they’re good at what they do. But there remains this great divide between the ridge I’m on and the ridge they’re on. Even colleagues who were my equals at one point have gone on to surely earn way more than I’ll ever be able to make. I’m torn on whether or not I actually care.

The idea of being on a career path where I could earn $200k+ a year is tantalizing, in a way, as that kind of income would provide an awful lot of cash to stock away into savings and investments. I just am not a leader in the same way they are. Yes, all of these people that come to mind are male, but they are just good at seemingly like they have their shit together and managing teams of people. What am I good at? Being creative. Editing. Anything other than managing.

It is just so crazy to me how close I am to all this wealth. I’m also close to people who probably have $1M – $2M in the bank, who want to be multi-millionaires. I’m pretty sure if I ever hit $2M I’d quit my day job and do something completely unrelated. I wish I could move up the ladder more quickly, but I also can’t figure out how to. In the opportunities I have to really lead I seem to do poorly because I always get stuck on the details. For example, directing a corporate video voiceover track down to the intention in each line because, god, it was just sounding like Siri on cocaine. I just need to learn to stop caring so much about the details and focus on “more is more.” And promoting all of the work even if I know it’s not perfect. That certainly doesn’t come natural to me.

 

Career

Overwhelmed without a Cause

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My 61-year old, obese, diabetic, cancer-ridden, often miserable (as a personality trait, not due specifically to the illness), hot-tempered father is not the first person one might go to for advice, but he always has some to give nonetheless. Our phone conversations — only triggered by my calling for mindless chit-chat with my mother and her not being home — follow the same exact plot:

  • How is your job going? Are you wealthy yet (semi joke)?
  • How’s your man doing? Does he have a stable career yet?
  • You know, you’re getting older. Life flies by. Don’t waste it. Do you have a plan? You need a plan. I don’t think you know what you’re doing. You’re going to regret it not having a plan, your life will fly by.

At 30, there’s a physical change happening within, or maybe it’s imagined, but it’s a feeling as if my entire body is running a thousand steps ahead of me and there’s no way I can catch up. The child I once was is clearly many years deceased. I look at my hands, garnering wrinkles at the knuckle by the day, skin thinning over blue blood lines, and see my mother’s hands, not my hands. I look down and see a body that is no longer my body. Continue reading Overwhelmed without a Cause →