When you’re on the journey to FIRE it’s easy to forget that life is short and maybe shorter than you think. A few months ago I opened my eyes from a nap and my right eye was blurred for 30 minutes. It resolved and I didn’t think too much of it after a while but last week it happened again. I finally went to my doctor who referred me to an opthamologist. Suddenly I was stuck in Dr Google as well reading all of these horrible things that can cause one eye to go blurry like that. So far my eye doctor found something in eye eye that could be its own thing or a symptom of something bigger so she’s running a ton of tests. The only thing I’ve figured out thus far is that it seems to be tied to blood pressure spikes so my doctor also ordered me a 24 hour blood pressure monitor to see if we’re missing anything there.
At the same time I managed to be one of the lucky ones to get an allergic reaction to my COVID vaccine. It was mild but it was still scary, as a day after I got the vaccine and my Zyrtec wore off my throat started feeling like it was swelling up. To be fair to the advice nurse I called she did tell me to go the ER but I didn’t want to have to leave my 3 month old baby and figure out how to pump and get him breastmilk in a bottle when he hasn’t taken a bottle yet, so I popped another allergy pill and stayed home. I survived. Don’t do this at home kids. Though I did. But you get the point.
I’m back at work now too. I feel so grateful I can work from home. Life would be so much harder if I had to drive an hour to work each way. I really don’ think I could do that right now. I mean, I would if I had to, but it would probably break me. I’m barely getting through the day as is. I’m wishing I could just slow down and enjoy this time. I don’t know how I left my first son to go to work when he was 3 months old. I don’t want to leave this baby ever. Not for a while.
And on top of all of this I am feeling that I’m getting to the end of my childbearing years, and I really want one more kid. Maybe I’m crazy, but a biological urge, and just something I know. Of everything in the world that feels wrong — being mom feels right. And I don’t want to not try and then regret it. I mean, what’s the point of saving all this money? I did this so I can have a family. I don’t really care about buying myself stuff anymore. I just want to build out a family because I’ve basically lost mine. With my father passing away I have no real connection to his side of the family, even though I go to events with them sometimes like weddings and such. And my mom’s side I’m connected to but not in the same way I want to be with a family. Not that one can guarantee their children will grow up and want to be part of the family always. But family is all that matters. And I have the chance to build my family…. one more kid… I don’t know if I can handle being pregnant again and I really don’t want to rush into it, but there isn’t much time left.
Right now I’m just focused on my basic health. I gained too much weight in my pregnancy, so I’m slowly removing pounds. I’m sure that will help my medical conditions as well. I was up to 212 when I gave birth and now I’m about 188. So I have 28 pounds to lose to get to where I was before I got pregnant, than another 10-20 before I get pregnant again if I can manage to get to my goal weight. I want to get to a really healthy weight before getting pregnant (likely via IVF) and then focus on not gaining as much weight in the pregnancy. I know I planned to also do that this time but it was hard being pregnant during COVID I just got depressed.
So maybe I can have it all. I pretty much have stuck to my plan otherwise. I am just worried a bit about my health issues. It’s scary to lose your vision out of nowhere and not know why. It may still end up being something serious, but my doctors aren’t rushing me for an MRI so they don’t seem too concerned about the worst case scenarios. I’m trying not to be. It’s hard to keep my mind off it. I’m 37 but this is the age medical issues start occurring in people who have been healthy before. I’m terrified of going blind too — even though so far I haven’t been told I’m at higher risk for that with my eye issue (PAMM) but we really aren’t sure what’s going on yet. I’m very aware not only how short life is but how short QUALITY life is. So what if I live to 100? What if I lose my vision at 60? I’m sure people can have a good life without their vision but I don’t know how I could live without sight or any other sense. I’m trying not to think catastrophically but in the good of it, I feel motivated to really focus on getting healthy. I’ve been eating so much sugar and drinking caffeine and as a week ago I cut out caffeine entirely and I’ve substantially reduced my sugar intake. So that’s a start.