Tag Archives: networth

Aging, Anxiety, Networth

I’m Back! And my financial life is as confusing as ever.

12 Comments

My site has been down for a while. It apparently took a quick chat with my hosting provider to fix it, but my anxiety kept me from trying that until now. I finally decided I missed writing here enough to attempt getting this fixed. I didn’t realize it would be quite so easy.

I have no idea if anyone will still find this blog. Maybe some of you have my updates in your feeds and will see this pop up. If so — hi!

I don’t have time to write my entire life update tonight, but here’s a quick summary…

  • I’m now 40(!) years old (can you believe I started this blog when I was 22???)
  • I have three(!) kids. My oldest is about to turn 6, and my youngest is about to turn 2 months old.
  • Over the past 2 years I’ve lost two jobs and left one after 10 months. I was let go from my last role earlier this year while pregnant and haven’t found a position yet. Things aren’t quite dire (thank goodness for having a big cushion) but I’m pretty down about job prospects, my abilities, and what the hell I should do with the rest of my life before I retire.
  • Life is fucking expensive. Someone kick me for moving to the most expensive place to live in the country 20 years ago and not leaving.
  • It isn’t all a shit show… the house I bought in 2020 (for more than we could really afford) is worth about $600k more today. We could sell our house and walk with $900k+ in cash, which would set us up for a pretty good life most anywhere else.
  • Our total net worth right now is hovering around $3.3M (I stopped tracking separate because that’s a pain to figure out, but a lot of that is from my income and investments). We still owe $1.2M-ish on the house (ouch) with a $7k a month mortgage (double ouch), but things aren’t dire… yet.
  • Did I mention our net worth is $3.3M? This isn’t a humble brag… this is still me waking up every day thinking how da fuc did we get here (from $28k in 2007 plus the few thousand my husband had saved then).
  • Most of that is tied up in investments, the aforementioned home equity, et al, so the no job thing is still a mega issue.
  • We are bleeding cash right now. Our outflow is about $13k-$20k a month, depending on how sad I am and how much I am buying on Amazon on any given day. Or how much our house is breaking. Aiming to keep spending down but with a $7k mortgage an 3 kids there is only so much we can do…
  • I’m looking for a job. Contemplating a major career pivot but everything feels terrifying. I don’t trust myself to invest in myself even now. I’ve managed to bounce from one thing to the next where I let other people tell me what they think I’m good at… but I’ve never actually figured out what I’m… actually… good at. And my career history is a sad smorgasbord of fuck ups with the occasional project that cemented my next role or next next role as people forgot I’m not actually qualified for much.
  • I want to be qualified for… something. So I’m on maternity leave, luckily getting some pay through state disability, and thinking hard on what’s next. I’m also working with a psychiatrist to try to fix this brain of mine once and for all, but limited w/ what meds I can take because I’m nursing so it’s rough. I need to survive the next 22 months and then I’ll be done nursing and can take whatever. Drug me up.

Anyway, I’m back. Hello. If you see this feel free to drop a comment. Would love to know if anyone is still out there. Let me know if you have any questions on the above!

Networth

End of the Month Check In: Progress and Stagnation

Leave a comment

Well, it’s somehow (basically) June and closing in on the half-way point of 2021. Insanity, right? As the world slowly chugs back to normal-ish, I’m spending most of my time moving projects along and figuring out how on earth I will unpack my entire garage when I don’t have a closet (my family renter has the largest room with the walk-in-closet, which he uses as a library since he owns very little other than books.) So. I have to figure that out.

Despite my whining about work stuffs, I’m feeling pretty good about making it through the year as long I can keep chugging along. No hopes and dreams of getting a knockout performance review and being promoted or anything like that. I could stay at this company 10 years more and would probably never see a raise or title increase. Which is why I’m still, albeit less obsessively these days, thinking about what’s next.

But I also have realized that IF I can negotiate a WFH situation (not sure I can into next year) then it might make sense to stay for a bit longer. It’s definitely worth applying (and hopefully interviewing) starting around Feb next year, but I don’t have to jump to the next thing. This job, as stressful and frustrating as it can be at times, seems somewhat manageable for me. I have a sense for how to do it well, even with some of the newer things my new boss wants me to do, and I think I can sort those out too. Again, I’m kind of limited in going above and beyond since I seem to get penalized every time I offer any creative ideas to make things better or do more than is expected of me (which seems to be the requirement for a high performance review and promotion?!) BUT it’s kind of nice to, for once, have some sort of feeling that I can just stick it out, get the work done, try to fly by invisible, make people happy, and have time to maybe get healthy and maybe see my kids a bit before they’re off to school and such.

So I’ve got these 7 months left to get through with the best work I can do. I think it’s achievable as long as I tell my ego to shut the fruck up. I’m being treated horribly but no one cares when I’m making as much as I’m making this year and I get it, that’s fair, I don’t deserve to be treated with respect or anything. At least no one is yelling at my face. I also feel good(?) knowing some of my colleagues are leaving soon because the environment has gotten toxic, so I know it’s not all me. I think their leaving is a huge loss to the organization but doubt it will be enough for things to change. People don’t stay in jobs that long here anyway, you do your 4 years of vesting and then you move on or you can’t keep the same income. It’s sad that’s how it’s structured as companies don’t really care if they lose that knowledge and talent, but I guess it saves them money over time. Anyway. I can leave anytime between Jan 1, 2022 and April 1, 2023. I’ll be in no rush and just try to find the right next fit. The only rush I’m in is trying to get into a new company before I attempt to have my last baby. I don’t want to go through this company as the woman who took 3 maternity leaves, and I’d also like to find a company that covers IVF since I’ll be 39 (!,!,!,!??) when hopefully getting pregnant with my last kid.

Anyway, this month has been pretty flat for net worth growth because it went down then came back up. It’s kind of sad that I didn’t sell out of more of my company stock as it hasn’t come back up and my dreams of hitting $3M this year are no longer viable. That’s ok, though. I’ve got a solid plan to get to $3M in about 5 years. And I’ve decided one I get to $3M, which includes having $150k per 529 plan locked, loaded, and forgotten about, I can relax a bit when it comes to spending.

My plan is basically pay the mortgage a year in advance so I always have that safety net (won’t lose my house for a year) and just let it all roll. By 43 or so we should have $3M unless the stock market tanks. A lot of that increase will be gains on the current investments but it also includes still putting a lot of income to savings. Once we get to $3M, I don’t think I’ll need to save as much. We’ll still max out our retirement accounts, but I’ll feel good about where we are so we can spend more on home furnishings, maybe save for and add on to our house or even move to the town where I really want to live. I figure my in-law will probably live with us for 5 more years, and him putting money to us instead of rent helps too. So instead of our mortgage being $7k, it’s $5k a month, which includes about $2k going to principle, so we’re basically paying $3k a month to live here, which makes my brain feel better knowing we were paying $2.5k for a 1 bedroom apartment and now we have a house with a yard. I try to ignore the lost gains on the downpayment and principal.

Anyway…

Here is where we are start of June and updated stitch goals for the year. It’s unlikely we can be up another $450k this year (my estimated additional savings for us as of June 1 is about $200k after expenses (due to the remainder of my stock vesting and living fairly frugally for the rest of the year), so that would mean our total investments (1.78)  would have to increase by $250k or about 15% in 7 months — unlikely.)

GOAL Apr May Jun
Retirement $775.0 $521.5 $715.0 $715.7
Taxable $1,100.0 $804.5 $856.0 $822.1
Cash $0.1 $0.1 $0.1 $0.3
529 A $150.0 $91.6 $105.0 $106.2
529 B $150.0 $41.3 $73.0 $74.7
529 C $65.0 $63.7 $65.0 $65.5
Home Equity $260.0 $250.0 $257.0 $257.6
TOTAL $2,500 $1,773 $2,071 $2,042

I’d say more realistically we’re looking at closing the year out with $2.2M, maybe flat, but if flat then hopefully there will be a run up at some point where we’ll see increase in the stock market. Or it could all crash and we could close the year out at $1M. Who knows. That would suck. I want to get to the point where we have $3M in investments then I can just live life and not worry about saving a ton more and let those investments ride for years so they can go up and down and not bother me much. Then with $3M invested it will get to $5M eventually, especially if we continue to max out our retirement accounts but not add more to our savings otherwise. I’ll probably start a small UTMA for my kids once eligible for gifting them again (since we’re superfunding 529 this we can’t give them any gifts again for 5 years) – I figure I’ll start doing small contributions to UTMA in year 6 and then whenever they get their first jobs I’ll start matching their income so they can all start Roths. That should fall in line nicely with when I’ll have enough saved up to feel like I can do that without impacting our future. It also will be around the time when my mom will need money probably so I want to make sure I have enough saved where I can help her if needed and pay to fly out to visit her frequently when she can no longer travel (that hopefully will be in a bit longer, but good to know I have the money to do it so I don’t have to worry about spending a lot on flights to see her.)

What I feel best about is where the 529s are right now. My parents gave me the gift of my education and while I can never pay that back to them, I can pass that gift down to my kids. And I will. With $225k already saved in 529s, I’m well on my way to making sure my kid’s undergrad is covered in full — and if the market works for me it’s possible they can have grad school covered and/or their kid’s college education covered (and if I’m still alive by  the time my kids have kids — the I should be in a place financially where I can help put them through college too.)

I’m hoping I am alive that long as my health has been not the best lately, but I’m starting to feel a bit better with random “flares” of who knows what. I know everyone thinks my health issues are related to my having given birth earlier this year and maybe they are but the headaches seem possibly vaccine related (they got really bad after second shot then went away about 3 weeks after the shot) but the fatigue is concerning and my eye blurring issues (two episodes of my right eye vision going blurry for 15-30 minutes) still have me worried even though the eye doctor said she found a benign thing in there and that could explain it…

My neurologist offered and MRI and I’m so fucking claustrophobic that she said I really don’t need to do one now since it’s super unlikely based on my symptoms and her office testing that they’d find anything. She also seemed comfortable with the idea that the headaches were caused by the vaccine as she has heard that some people do get headaches for a few weeks after the vaccine (yet everything I read online about it says side effects should go away in 36 hours.) My allergy tests all came back negative so I don’t know what’s up. I think I’m going to make another appointment with my doctor once I finish my at-home 72 hour EKG as we’re seeing if anything is going on with my heart (though the weird chest spasms seem to have stopped — I doubt they’ll find anything.) Maybe that’s a good thing and I can just put this all behind me, which I’d like to do, except every once in a while I’ll feel incredibly fatigued, like my lungs are just weak, and no matter how much I breathe in I can’t get enough air. Maybe it’s just anxiety and panic attacks but I don’t know… even my initial EKG saw that my PR interval was slightly depressed but not enough to diagnose a heart block since my heart rate was low at the time. I’m really curious what this EKG will find, if anything. I just want to feel better. It’s taking too long to lose weight after baby and I’m still considered obese which I’m sure isn’t helping. I know it’s hard to lose weight while breastfeeding but still I have to get the weight down.

So outside of keeping my job and saving as much as possible this year towards my $2.5M goal, my other main goal is getting back to the “overweight” and not obese BMI category. I’m not going to get to a healthy BMI this year but I can inch closer. If I want to even consider having a third kid… and getting pregnant in 1.5 years (!) especially with IVF I need to drop the weight. And I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. At least doctors will treat me better if I’m a healthy weight.

I’m also wondering about if I want to stay sober for good. I never considered myself an alcoholic but at this point in my life I can look back and see that of all the moments in my life I regret about 90% of them occurred when I was drinking. I was a binge drinker and it was hard for me to stop at one drink when socializing. I had a lot of fun being a drunk idiot too, don’t get me wrong, but I just am not the right kind of person when I’m drinking. I think I can manage a glass of wine with dinner when I go out on a date, but I don’t want to to do the social drinking that has led to me being an idiot and saying shit I can never take back. I’d say the other 10% of things I regret are due to my likely undiagnosed bipolar disorder as I can definitely see periods of my life where I was manic and I’m scared of who I was then and just hate myself for it, but I’ve decided I have to just close the book on that and move on and try really hard to focus on knowing when I’m in a phase like that so I can just stop myself from saying whatever it is I’m thinking at the time because it’s not real and it’s not me. My therapists never believe me that I’m bipolar but I know I am. Drinking while manic is the worst for me. Though it’s not exactly good while depressed either. :/ So, yea, I’m going to try to reduce my drinking. Really cut myself off at 1-2 drinks if I do decide to drink. I haven’t had a drink in over a year (due to being pregnant and breastfeeding) and I don’t see why I can’t continue on this way. It’s rough as I’m so socially anxious and I really do find it easier to engage with other humans after a drink… or two. But I’m old now and a mom and I don’t really want to be social like that anymore. I’m worried I’ve fucked my liver with my occasional binge drinking through the years. It was not frequent, but it was still pretty bad when it happened. Plus, not drinking saves $$… though I’ve been putting that to overpriced tea at Starbucks and Peets. At least that’s a bit healthier for me. Oh, and I’m trying to cut out caffeine as well outside of green tea and matcha. That mostly means not having the occasional latte and especially not having Coke Zero an Diet Pepsi which is horrible for me anyway.

So if I can get to the end of this year mentally stable, with my kids thriving, with $2.5M (or $2.3M) in the bank, with my job intact, etc etc, and alive, I’ll call it a win. Really I’m considering this job my $2.5M job so I’d like to stay in it until I get to $2.5M, but we’ll see about that. This job is my $2.5M job and the next job needs to be my $3M job so I have to find the right fit and right salary to make it worth a move. The only thing I can do is just try to go the best I can at this job and stop going to get overpriced tea so much. But it’s my one self care pleasure in life so I allow myself that.

 

FIRE, Networth

From Now to Rich in 3 Years.

Leave a comment

What does “rich” mean? There was a huge debate on if having $1M makes you rich in one of my Facebook groups the other week. My argument was — no, $1M does not make you rich. It certainly doesn’t make you poor either, but it’s not what I’d consider wealthy.

Wealth, to me, is having enough in savings that with reasonable diversification and YoY growth, you never have to save another dime to support your future lifestyle. Your income, which can be passive or active if you feel confident you can maintain active employment and want to maintain active employment, should cover all of your bills and expenses until you age into one of your retirement buckets. You may only have one retirement bucket (i.e. age 67) or you may have multiple buckets (I have an early retirement bucket set for age 45, and another bucket at normal retirement age.

Wealth, to me, is being able to buy things like… a minivan… new… and a trip to Hawaii with a stay at a non-budget hotel… without worrying about it impacting my retirement goals. It’s flying my sister and mom to Hawaii and getting them their own room at the hotel for a week. It’s being able to pay to get my mother an in-home aide (or at least contribute to it) when she needs it, maybe even moving her across the country when she’s older, to be closer to us so she isn’t alone (if that’s what she wants.) It’s being able to spend like my father did–always offering to pay for meals for friends and family and tipping generously–but with the actual life savings that can withstand such spending, a life savings that accounts for potential fluctuations of the market and future healthcare and long-term care costs.

While I could do a better job honing these estimates, I feel good about my FAT Fire number. It seems to align with what I’ve seen others say — around $10M — to really reach the kind of wealth where your money continuously works for you. I figure if I ever get to $5M that’s when I can start dabbling in more complex investments like real estate. For now, it’s heads down with (mostly) index funds and a few individual stocks. This year is really the make-or-break year for my plan (though there may be future make-or-break years, but it will be difficult to encounter one in the near future where I have the chance to earn close to $1M in income for the year.)

Below, is a table on my current estimates per savings bucket. I am estimating a 6% YoY growth over time, which may be too high or too low, but as I get closer to retirement I can adjust down for more safety once I see how the years go. The current value column is approximately how much was saved in each bucket at the end of 2020. With 6% YoY until each bucket is accessed, I note the GAP in total amount needed for my final goal (ie retirement goal is $5M, if I didn’t touch my money at all and got 6% YoY now, I’d be $1.6M short. The cool thing is I’d have $3.3M, which doesn’t account for my taxable funds, and also is at age 65-ish, which doesn’t account for additional growth after age 65 since I won’t pull all the money out up front and will hopefully live much longer.

My “pre retirement” FIRE bucket is more or less my “Coast FIRE” bucket, which gets me to career freedom by 45. if I have $3M by 45 I can move into a lower-paid career (and/or take a few years off) and maintain the lifestyle I would like to have. If growth is stronger than 6% year over year we can also invest in building on to our current home, or move to a city that I prefer that we couldn’t currently afford.

2020 Goal Yrs Current Value Growth Rate “Real Value” GAP
Retirement $5,000,000 28 $651,000 1.06 $3,327,708 $1,672,292
Pre-Retirement $3,000,000 13 $833,074 1.06 $1,776,887 $1,223,113
College $600,000 17 $133,607 1.06 $359,773 $240,227
Home $2,000,000 28 $195,483 1.03 $447,251 $1,552,749
$1,813,164 total: $5,911,619 $4,688,381

2021, which is now THIS YEAR, represents a huge opportunity to get much closer to my goals. Even if I have failed to tap into the actual earnings potential I should have had at this company (my raises and refreshes have not kept up with my market value or initial grant offer), I’m still in a very, very good place if I can just hold out and remain employed until the end of this year. While anything can happen, and my mental health post baby may get the best of me, I’m really focused on surviving this year. (*note, the above doesn’t count total home value, which would be higher in 28 years since the mortgage would mostly be paid off then.)

This is why:

2021 Goal Yrs 2021 Value Growth Rate “Real Value” GAP
Retirement $5,000,000 27 $786,060 1.06 $3,790,653 $1,209,347
Pre-Retirement $3,000,000 12 $1,140,598 1.06 $2,295,108 $704,892
College $600,000 16 $261,623 1.06 $664,615 -$64,615
Home $2,000,000 27 $231,212 1.03 $513,589 $1,486,411
$2,419,494 total: $7,263,966 $3,336,034

 

By the end of 2021, if I can keep my job, and the stock markets don’t tank (ie we don’t have a civil war this year), I get much closer to my goals. Not 100%, but close enough that I really am already approaching Fat FIRE territory if I didn’t have such aggressive savings plans.

2022 I plan to switch jobs, so my income will go down quite a bit. At the moment I’m thinking I will try my best to stay until I get get the full $58k into my retirement for the year as well as max out the first ESPP period for the year, which ends in March. I’ll have to leave some money on the table at some point (unless I leave in March/April which is probably the ideal time to move to a new role), but I’m now looking at a transition around June. This assumes I make $200k total in 2022, including expected bonus that comes in February before I leave my current job. I’m kind of considering this part of 2021 plan, but since the actual receipt of income falls in 2022 it hits my 2022 goal plan:

2022 Goal Yrs 2022 Value Growth Rate Value GAP
Retirement $5,000,000 26 $929,224 1.06 $4,227,394 $772,606
Pre-Retirement $3,000,000 11 $1,314,116 1.06 $2,494,584 $505,416
College $600,000 15 $277,321 1.06 $664,615 -$64,615
Home $2,000,000 26 $269,085 1.03 $580,306 $1,419,694
$2,789,745 $7,966,899 $2,633,101

As you can see from the numbers above, with 6% YoY return expected, by the end of 2022 I’m SO CLOSE to my FIRE goals. I’m close enough that if I needed to I could stop working and probably be fine.

If I adjust to 10% YoY returns (unlikely but an easy switch in my spreadsheet), things start looking pretty crazy good. Fun to dream, right? If 10% YoY is in the cards, by 2022 I’m set.

2022 Goal Yrs 2022 Value Growth Rate Value GAP
Retirement $5,000,000 26 $989,310 1.10 $11,790,771 -$6,790,771
Pre-Retirement $3,000,000 11 $1,396,395 1.10 $3,984,077 -$984,077
College $600,000 15 $293,664 1.10 $1,226,709 -$626,709
Home $2,000,000 26 $286,934 1.03 $618,800 $1,381,200
$2,966,304 $17,620,358 -$7,020,358

 

Actually, things look really good already… with 10% YoY the total value of my current assets is $13.3M at time of use. Not bad.

2020 Goal Yrs Current Value Growth Rate Value GAP
Retirement $5,000,000 28 $651,000 1.10 $9,388,067 -$4,388,067
Pre-Retirement $3,000,000 13 $833,074 1.10 $2,875,997 $124,003
College $600,000 17 $133,607 1.10 $675,313 -$75,313
Home $2,000,000 28 $195,483 1.03 $447,251 $1,552,749
$1,813,164 $13,386,628 -$2,786,628

 

Of course I’m not going to bank on seeing 10% YoY. I probably should stick to 4-5% to be conservative and leave room for unexpected growth, versus the other way around. Either way, I’m really getting excited about these next 14 months. The next 14 months to a whole different level of living. I’m not going to change my spending immediately, and I don’t plan to ever actually stop working, but I can stop forcing myself into roles that aren’t a fit and that make me miserable. I can maybe start my own company or work for a non-profit or just do work that matters.

Even with 4% YoY growth the numbers don’t look horrible in 2022 if I hold fort. Sure, I don’t have $5M in retirement or $3M in pre-retirement at 45, but I’m at $1.9M in pre-retirement and $2.5M in retirement and nearly $500k in college for my kids. So this is all great news, if I can just survive a year with two kids, including a newborn and given lack of sleep, and a company that seems to want to set me up to fail and to get rid of me. 

2022 Goal Yrs 2022 Value Growth Rate Value GAP
Retirement $5,000,000 26 $899,962 1.04 $2,495,116 $2,504,884
Pre-Retirement $3,000,000 11 $1,273,976 1.04 $1,961,227 $1,038,773
College $600,000 15 $269,309 1.04 $485,011 $114,989
Home $2,000,000 26 $260,394 1.03 $561,564 $1,438,436
$2,703,641 $5,502,919 $5,097,081

This year is everything.

Networth

The day we surpassed $2M in networth. Can I buy a Roomba now?

2 Comments

Holy hell. Personal capital shows our family networth crossed the $2M threshold. This was my goal for 2020, yet it felt so far away earlier this year. A bump in my company stock was really all it took, but it was far from guaranteed. Even with deducting $100k from the cost to sell our home (which I have set up as a liability in personal capital) we’re across that $2M mark. Insane!

2 million networth

It feels especially weird given the state of the world, with so many people struggling. While living in a HCOL area with 2 kids and hopes for one more, I can’t start throwing heaps of money at charity as I’d like to yet, I’m looking into doing a donor-advised fund next year, as well as where we can help locally at food banks and such. I’m a little nervous about next year as the breadwinner of the family who happens to be about to go into labor any day now (and who has to hold down a $7k a month Bay Area mortgage), so want to be smart about giving strategies, but it’s time to think seriously about that. I just feel overwhelmed as so many people need help right now. I feel guilty for having “so much money” and yet, so many people have a lot more $ here too. And many are struggling to put food on the table. I feel weird being one of the people benefiting from the state of the world as I have a lot of stock, but at the same time proud of myself for being frugal and investing in my 20s, and also landing this job and seeing the potential in this company a few years ago.

Sure, the stock market could crash overnight or my company could go belly up — and at this point I’m holding way too much stock in my company despite selling along the way. It’s about 25% of our net worth, which is way too risky. But I also want to hold off on cap gains until AFTER next year, since I’ll likely go back to a normal income once I vest my final year of my initial grant. But that’s super risky. Yes,  I can and should sell my new RSU vest now, and I probably will (it’s down a bit so holding until 2021 to either take a loss next year to offset potential short term gains later in the year or just take a gain if it goes up again.) I’ve held on to most of my ESPP against the wisdom of finance professionals everywhere, which has proven to be quite a lucrative bet. Those get taxed at a mix of income and cap gains, and my cap gains right now in CA is basically the same as my income tax rate, so it feels prudent to hold just a year longer even if they could end up being worth nothing. I’ve decided that in order to build wealth there is some truth to needing to do stupid things and take risks that aren’t wise. Men do this often. Many of my male colleagues haven’t sold one share of their stock even though they know it’s super risky and you know what, they’ve made a fortune in holding. Sure, they could lose it all as well, but so far I know some of my coworkers are set to retire tomorrow, all because they are men who take on too much risk.

Maybe risk is ok. The more money you have, the more risk you can take. It’s not quite putting it all on red. But I would not have $2M now if I hadn’t ignored my CFP’s advice and sold all of my ESPP up front. Instead, I have over 1000 shares I’m holding now, with the total value hovering around $500k. Is that stupid? Maybe. They say don’t hold your company shares as you have too much riding on the success of your company already just with your employment. That’s probably true. And RSU has no reason to hold since they’re taxed as income on vest and you should treat as a bonus (and you likely wouldn’t go and buy your company stock with a bonus – also true.) ESPP is a little more complicated. In typical slow-growth companies these give you the benefit when you make a purchase, a small 15% discount on shares, plus any growth within a lock back period. But holding you can pay cap gains tax on any growth, which can be substantial in a fast-growth company. So I’m holding. Maybe I’ll regret it. So far, doing this has catapulted us to our $2M net worth goal.

Looking ahead to next year, I see $3M as a possibility. It’s unlikely we can go from $2M to $3M, but it could happen. Right now I’m estimating about $2.5M-$2.75M by the end of next year if the market holds. If it goes up, we could get to 3. There is something about that $3M number… it’s equal to about $1M in 1981.. so hitting $3M, esp in a HCOL area, is when you actually feel like a “millionaire.” It seems like a shit ton of money (and it is) but when you have $3M in net worth, I think your world changes a bit. It definitely changed for me at $100k and $500k and $1M, but $3M is the beginning of a new chapter. It’s when you cross the threshold from upper middle class to entry-level wealthy. At least in the Bay Area — $1M, $2M, $3M, $5M, $10M are these levels of wealth. $5M is realistic for a family with 2 tech workers who are each making $250k a year. Since my family is 1 tech worker, it’s still possible if I can have a few home runs with RSUs (ie make 500k-1M per year a few times in my lifetime.) If you don’t work in tech, or settle for whatever a company decides your level is worth without convincing them you’re worth more, then it’s really hard to get there.

I still have my eyes on the prize ($5M net worth) but when we get to $3M, I’ll loosen up a bit. I’ll fly my mom out twice a year and put her up in an AirBnB for a few weeks so she can spend time with her grandkids. I’ll send my sister that TV and other random gifts she keeps asking for (actually maybe I will do that this year.) I’ll take my family on some nice vacations and pay for my kids to take enrichment classes that cost too much but it won’t actually hurt our retirement goals so why not? And I’ll seriously look at how to build the donor-advised fund I’m going to likely start next year so we can be quite generous with charity in the years ahead, which I haven’t made a priority in the past.

I’ll do a full recount of 2020 networth once the year is over as there are still a few paychecks coming in and expenses going out. I’ve spent way too much on fixing up my new house and it isn’t done yet. Next year I’ll prob spend too much buying furniture for the house (to be fair, we’ve moved from an 800 sq ft one bedroom where we were still using mostly craigslist furniture or IKEA stuff I bought when I was 22) to a nearly 2000 sq ft house… we don’t even have a kitchen table right now or any place to sit outside in our yard except our camping chairs. So I’m going to splurge because life is now and we are in a good place to buy things to increase our quality of life without going overboard. I’m not talking luxury items but thing that will make us happy because we spend most of our time in this house (well pretty much all of our time now) so…

My boss’s boss (my former boss) even liked a small project I did this week, which made me quite happy. I know I’ll never be able to be good enough for this company, but if I can keep turning in quality work I can survive through the end of next year, which means $3M net worth is no longer a pipe dream. And once you hit $3M, theoretically you can make 10% on that YoY and get to $5M in 6 years. Yea, 10% YoY gains six years in a row after a bull market is quite unlikely (might see 6% YoY losses) but being this close of striking range to the $5M net worth goal is… just… well, I don’t even know what to think about it. If I can get to $5M by age 40, that would be a whole other level of crazy. And if I’m going to do it, that’s on me. My husband brings in a stable $90k a year, and that certainly helps, but I’ve got to lean into the crazy that is RSU growth in Silicon Valley’s top-performing companies, negotiate well for my next gig, and just hold on for dear life. I have no interest in being a VP anymore — I just want to FAT FIRE (well FIOR – financial independence, optional retirement.) $3M gets us close. $5M gets us all the way. Can I get to $5M by 40? Even by my calculations that’s highly unlikely. But a few years ago $2M by 37 was also very unlikely. So anything is possible. And when I set my mind to something, well, either I ADHD space out and it never happens. Or I ADHD super focus on it and I get there.

To my readers out there, thanks for your support along the way. I hope it is as fun for you to watch my nutty progress as it is to live it on my end. Right now my biggest focus is on NOT getting coronavirus, surviving childbirth, having a healthy baby, and getting myself healthy in the year ahead. It’s ALL possible. The world SUCKS right now and it’s hard to stay positive, but at least for me, good things are happening. I don’t deserve these good things any more or less than the next person. I am grateful and in awe of how the world works in such mysterious ways.

And I like that my couch fits so nicely in my family room. And I want a kitchen table.

Networth

My New Buckets FIRE Retirement Strategy

6 Comments

This will be a short post — but just documenting as I figure out my family’s goals for Fat FIRE / Coast FIRE using a new buckets retirement strategy. I really like this model as it helps me understand how much money I need to earn and how much I need my existing savings to grow in order to live the life I want. Since these are “Fat FIRE” goals they are a bit aggressive, but I like aiming for aggressive goals. I know if I hit them, then I’ll be in a really good place. If I don’t, then we’ll still probably be ok!

I’m now including my husband’s savings in a total Fat FIRE goal–he’s note exactly on the Fat FIRE train, but he’s naturally frugal and has agreed to maxing out his solo 401k annually, so I’m looking at all our money together for our net worth goals. At the end of the day, it is “our” money since if either of us get sick and need care, our funds will go to that.

  • Goal 1: 7M in retirement accounts by age 65 (by 2048 – to last 35 years)
    • Current: 514,000 (est 2M in 28 years at 5% YoY)
    • Gap: 5M (1.3M in today’s value before returns)
    • (*at 10% YoY value is 7.4M and I don’t need to save a dime more today to hit goal!!!!)
  • Goal 2: 3M in taxable accounts by age 50 (by 2033 – to last 15 years)
    • Current: 757,076 (est 1.4M in 13 years at 5% YoY)
    • Gap: 1.6M (750k in today’s value before returns)
    • (*at 10% YoY value is 2.6M and I only need 125k more saved today to hit goal – riskier since 10% YoY over 13 years is shorter time horizon, but not impossible)
  • Goal 3: 150k per child 529 before they turn 3
    • Current Kid 1: 35k (Plan – superfund 75-150k next year)
    • Current Kid 2: 35k (Plan – superfund 75-150k next year)
    • Current (Future) Kid 3: 18k

Since I am unable to save more than allowed in tax-advantaged accounts for retirement, what is likely to happen in that some of my 7M retirement goal will be in taxable accounts once I save the 750k additional to hit 3M at age 50. And, of course, the above does not into consideration that my accounts may perform well about 5% YoY, especially with dividends reinvested! But for now, I think these are really good goals. Some may say they are crazy goals (do I really need that much) but at least they are clear goals I can aim for, to help guide spending choices over the coming years.

The above also does not include emergency fund, home equity (I would like to own house outright on top of the amounts above.)

I am doing this all pre tax because I’m too lazy to calculate it post tax and I think if I can get to 3M + 7M pre tax buckets I’m still in good shape!

What do you think? Is this strategy too aggressive?

Networth

Coast FIRE sounds good to me.

2 Comments

I’m digging the idea of Coast FIRE–which is basically what my goal has been for a while, I just haven’t had a name for it. By “Coast FIRE-ing,” basically you save enough that you no longer have to keep saving. You just work to pay expenses and your savings grow to support your expenses forever. I like the sound of that.

One of my commenters reminded me that at two million in savings, I might already be there. But then I realized I don’t actually have two million in savings. So I need to figure out how much savings I need to Coast FIRE and then focus on getting there, versus some meaningless arbitrary number that sounds good (like five million, though that still sounds good.)

  • Cash – 185k
  • Home Equity (After Sale) – 226k
  • Taxable – 508k (726k at 30% tax)
  • IRA – 211k (353k at 40% tax)
  • Roth – 103k
  • 529 – 90k

Total Actual Family Networth: 1.3M
Minus home equity and 529 = 984k

So… we’re not really at 2M. I think where I’m going is that we need to get to 2M after tax, not including home equity and 529, to be Coast FIRE. I need to run some more numbers, but the above is a more realistic breakdown of our actual family net worth.

It can definitely grow over the next year with my vesting a chunk of company stock, but it will be a while before we hit 2M… and even then I’ll have to make enough income to afford about 12k a month in expenses for the next 30 years without any savings on top of that. I guess if we get to 2M after-tax net worth (minus our home equity and 529 funds), then we have to earn 250k a year together to cover 12k a month in expenses. If my husband makes 90k, that means I need to make 160k to Coast FIRE, once we’ve saved 2M.

Career

Fighting With All I’ve Got: The Next 2 Years

Leave a comment

I’m acknowledging my job isn’t right. My new position, which is a demotion or lateral move, depending on how you see it, is a better fit. The great news is that my pay hasn’t changed.  The bad(?) news is that I have a new role that is vague that I have to figure out from scratch… just when I was starting to get the hang of the old one. Alas.

I am in an incredibly good position right now if I can just hang on for the next 18 months, give or take. I am going to give it my all. And 6 of those 18 months will be maternity leave, so I’ve got a year to make magic. I’m gonna make magic. And hold my breath and hope I can do really great work, make everyone happy, get my shit done on time, and–in the sleepless blur that is the first year of having a child–get through my final vesting periods and hold on long enough to get my bonus before I find something that is actually a good fit for me (if such a thing exists.)

Now, the stock market could crash. I could get laid off. I could still get fired. Anything could happen. I can’t plan to have the money until I have it. But right now the next 18 months have the chance to set me up for financial success in my forties and FIRE in my early fifties. The next 18 months are everything.

But, really, how do I do this with a newborn? My new boss–a man–has young kids. This might be a good thing, because he understands what goes into having children (old boss, female, does not have kids.) On the other hand, new boss has worked his ass off through the birth of his second kid. I think his wife works but I’m not sure what his childcare situation is. I think at least one of the kids is still going to daycare. We aren’t doing that due to COVID. Anyway, I’m hoping that he will be at least somewhat empathic understanding what goes biologically goes into being the mom of an infant. Or he may think I should be able to work as much as he does because he has done it.

I’m scared. I’m not in a good place going into my maternity leave and coming back I am running a new program that will be kicked off before I get back. Who knows what it will look like at that point. There will be high expectations and I probably won’t know up from down at that point.

My maternity leave should end around June, maybe a bit sooner. I’ll be in a good place as long as I don’t overcommit and get everything done on time for 6 months. Once 2022 hits, I can either decide to double down on my current role and stick it out for the long term (maybe it will be great) or start looking for a new job. On paper, timing overall looks good. It looks like survival is possible.

What is leaving a sour taste is how my colleague is taking my (former) role, and it’s not being communicated to me. I understand they are being cautious since it’s probably a liability to demote a pregnant woman a few months before she goes on leave and put a younger, single male in her place. It also may just seem like a natural transition since I’m going out and he is in the same role already, he just needs to be promoted to my level, which can and will likely happen when I’m out. When I come back–I have a new role–and he’s running the show. Everyone’s happy, right?

If I actually thought this could be a long term thing, if I actually thought I could benefit from the success of the company and my contributions were going to be appreciated ever, I would feel worse about how everything went down. But I’m happy for my friend and it’s a great opportunity for him. And this is a great opportunity for me also. I was so close to being fired last year and this year–maybe due to being pregnant and semi protected (but also due to actually doing a good job for some of this year when I was sleeping ok and could think straight before I got far into my pregnancy) I still have a job. And I’ll likely still have a job through to my maternity leave at the end of this year. And I’ll likely still have a job until the end of next year as I can see how to do enough good stuff that they won’t get rid of me that fast (esp after just coming back from mat leave.)

I am trying so hard to be grateful. Because when I get caught up in feeling sad about everything… about failing and about how I am really not good at the other role I had… it makes it hard to do anything. And I have to do a lot. It doesn’t have to be perfect. But it has to be acceptable and done (and without error, which is what acceptable means.) Nothing else matters. It’s 18 months. At the end of 18 months, my family networth should go from 2M to 2.5M, give or take. The next 18 months are everything. Then — maybe then — I can take a lower paid job that is a better fit. I can work my way up somewhere. I can stop taking these senior-level roles I’m not ready for because I never had a chance to actually learn how to do anything right. I don’t know if that type of job exists… but maybe if I can step back I can work my way up again. I hope.

Career

So I Was Fired. Or Promoted. Or Something.

1 Comment

When I joined my company, my role was ill defined. Someone with more leadership ability–or perhaps someone who is a normal career-minded person–would have nipped that in the bud up front. But like the rest of my non-career career, I’ve managed to become employable for the exact reason I always lose my damn job–I’m a Jill of all trades, master of none. And so it goes.

This time around, things have gone a tinge better. Despite some hiccups as of next year I will have been employed at this company for three years (well, three years minus maternity leave, but you don’t see that on a resume.) Three years at a respectable “real” company (vs a startup that doesn’t exist anymore) is a pretty big deal for me. It’s a huge deal. I need to celebrate that.

With the three years I also need to celebrate that I’ve been extremely fortunate. Through a mixture of luck and having some sense of what makes a good company, I have seen my stock grow to a ridiculous dollar figure, and have largely sold through that growth and turned it into real money and a real down payment. While I could have bought a house without the networth growth this company has provided me, it’s unlikely I would have. Or, at least, I would have spent many more years saving before that was a reality.

But here I am, a day after listening to my boss tell me, in so many words (actually in these exact words)–it’s not working. I’ve heard this story before. Over and over again. I guess it isn’t. I’m only upset because this time I thought I did better. This time, I thought I was starting to figure it out. Due to a hiring freeze (where I was supposed to be getting a new boss) I was put, temporarily, in charge of a new team and given the reigns to lead–not because my boss particularly wanted me to–but because she had little choice otherwise.

Where I got lost is in trying to make everyone happy while also caring about real results for the business, and putting myself last. I was put in a situation with two other strong personalities who didn’t like me from the beginning–and especially didn’t like my collaborative, back-and-forth type of leadership. The #1 trait of winners here is decisiveness, and decisive I am not. It’s not that I can’t make decisions — I don’t trust myself to make decisions with that kind of sweeping authority where people forget what you’re telling them is built on opinion and intuition, not fact. But in a role like mine, fact tends to get in the way (though people use “fact” to support their positions when it suits them.) I guess it’s the politics that I’m bad at. (Not that our presidential nominees are much better. Is it odd the cluster of a debate last night made me strongly hopeful about my leadership skills?)

Still – it stung to get called out on all the things I’m not. I wish I disagreed with my boss’s assessment, because it was quite harsh, but I know she’s right. I’m not a leader, she said, in so many words. I’m not able to influence people or get buy in or delegate work. I don’t come across friendly enough and build bridges (i.e. people don’t like me as a person enough to protect me or stand by me through disagreements.) And I just am not suited to be a functional leader. Pretty much ever. (Ever, ever? I asked. She said, well, maybe one day. One day in the far off distant future.

The saddest part of all is that this project I’m leading isn’t a failure. She even admitted to that. And less than two months ago I was called out as a leader in the company by the head of the department. Two months! But then shit hit the fan. I wasn’t able to run a fairly large project across teams. I made it bigger than it had to be, because given the way our company works you have to go big or go home, and you get one chance to prove out success. I went too big. And then I got anxious. As I do. I second, and third, and 90th guessed everything. I missed a deadline that I arbitrarily committed to. That was a big deal. That was the knife in the coffin. Game over.

In a startup, it would be over. This is the typical job arc from success to failure of my life. I’ve been here before. Except this isn’t in startup time, so through various wins and flexibility and being luckily hired by the head of the department before any of this happened, I have a little wiggle room. But I get it. I can’t run the show.

Who can? Oh, my friend can. My friend, who is basically the other me in my department, who joined to fill in for me when I was on my last maternity leave (I was the first one to interview him) is being promoted into my job. My emotions are all over the place. He deserves it (well, sort of) and I think it’s needed for his career and he needs a shot to prove himself. He’s put up with managing projects that make little sense or that melt his brain for too long. He’s earned the promotion (it’s not official yet, but he’s taking over my role, and it’s clear when I’m on maternity leave he will get the title –I’ll explain more on how that’s working in a minute.) He’s done a lot of great work, and more importantly, he’s been consistent. He doesn’t overcommit. I like to build mansions and he builds tiny houses and no one notices the difference–except that my mansions tend to be missing a wing at launch. I get why they’re putting him in charge. I think way too much and run through a thousand “what if” scenarios and he–isn’t like that. He comes up with something he wants to do, and he just gets it done. And because he’s smart–and talks smart–he can get people to rally behind him. People trust him.

So, I’m 3 months from going on maternity leave and I’ve lost my job. Sort of. That’s the bad news. But there’s good news. You probably understand why I find it hard to see this as good news right now, given how this all went down, but it is good news…

Instead of being fired or, well, demoted, I’ve been given a new function to run. It’s funny that I’m being given a new function to run after being told I can’t run a functional area. What she really meant is I can’t run a functional area where I have to shove ideas down a lot of people’s throats and make them rally behind these ideas enough to spend their time contributing to the outcome. My shit will be off to the side–and off to the side is where I’ve done my best work. It’s not clear at all how any of this will work yet–and in typical fashion my boss has asked me to come up with a plan. I don’t know what my title will be, but it sounds like my level isn’t changing. My comp isn’t changing. I’m just, you know, fired from the job that actually had leadership/career potential, and now in a semi-IC role where I can maybe do good work–or at least get work done on time and people will think it’s good.

What’s happening now is I’m transitioning out of my role (which isn’t hard since it was going to happen organically anyway when I go on maternity leave) and when I come back I’ll launch this new official function. If I didn’t know the situation better, I’d say something is awfully fishy here that I’m going on maternity leave in 3 month and losing my job–but they’ve got me cornered. I had a negative performance review last year (coming off of my first year as a mom with little sleep), and here I am again. This isn’t a legal situation. This is a me failing to execute and being me situation. And I realize that I’m lucky to still have a job. Maybe the pregnancy saved me there. I don’t know. It’s funny because I tend to do really fucking amazing work when I’m not leading shit. And they recognize that. They want more of that. So I guess I should be honored. Or something.

They like me, they really like me.

Or, they like the work I produce, but will never see me as a true leader. I get it. I think the fact that my friend is stepping into my role hurts more than I want to admit. It hurts because he doesn’t care as much as I do about much of anything. But he’s good. I don’t always agree with his ideas or choices, but man, can he get people to rally behind him. And, unlike most guys, he’s actually not, well, the typical know-it-all guy. He’s a good person. He’s worked hard and deserves this–at least a shot at it. I’ve joked before that I should report to him. Well, I guess they decided that would be weird (plus it would clearly be a demotion on my side.) So off to new function land I go.

New function land is in the same group that old function land was in, working with the same people. But I’ll be creating stuff for a piece of the puzzle (or piece of lots of puzzles) versus running the show. I have to reenergize and figure out how to build something despite it making no sense in the grande scheme of my career. But maybe that’s ok. I’ll be in new-mom stage for a while again, and running something a bit simpler where I feel a bit more in control of things could be good–especially without a pay cut. At the end of the day all that matters is I keep vesting. The bulk of my grant runs through the end of next year.

This role should–barring any major layoffs–get me there. After I make it to that finish line, I can start thinking about what’s next. And all signs point to looking for a new role closer to my new home anyway. I’ve informally agreed with myself, even before all this went down, that I’ll transition out in 2022 at some point.

That’s a solid 5 years with a respectable company, and the first really respectable thing on my resume after working for over 15 years. That alone will land me interviews. I’m in a great position. I need to focus on being grateful vs hurt. I know where I failed and I can do better next time. it will be better starting on a fresh slate anyway if I’m going to try out the leadership team again. Maybe find a company that’s a better cultural fit, if one exists. We’re filled with type As where execution matters more than building foundations and strategic vision. It works for this company, but what’s clear is I don’t belong here. I could have faked it better–a lot better–but I don’t have the energy for that. I don’t have the ability to speak coherently when I get flustered. When I don’t trust myself or my ideas. So, this just isn’t the right fit. If I wasn’t 3 months from maternity leave and 15 months from vesting a lot of stock, in any other world, I’d probably start looking elsewhere.

But, instead, I’m doubling down here and committing. I want to close out the year strong (the project that I got my “fired” is still in progress and still going to be a huge success if I have anything to say about it) and I have a few more projects I’m working on before I go out. When I go out, it will be a clean break, because I’ll be done with this job. I’ll hopefully have a plan built up for when I get back–my boss wants me to start things when I’m back, not before–so I can take my maternity leave and truly disconnect. My friend will kick ass in his new role–my old role–and show everyone how it’s done. My ego will be bruised and I’ll be embarrassed and ashamed and not so excited to show my face around the office (thanks to covid, maybe I won’t have to.)

The only way to win here, though, is to make this all come off like it was my idea. Like I wanted to go off and start this thing and I’m excited about it and really just make the best of it. I can still show how I can build something and lead, in my own way. In my own little corner. In my own little chair. Or something like that. Maybe this is actually something I can do, sustainably, and be good at it. It’s really the only thing I’ve done that people actually appreciate here. Now I’ll just be doing it full time.

My biggest challenge is this specific role and function is never paid this well. I need to figure out how to position myself to move into a real leadership role in my next gig. I think I’m actually ready for it. But I can’t let myself get stuck in this function. Six months to a year is ok. It really doesn’t even have to be on my resume as a new role — it’s kind of a sub part of what I’ve been doing all along. I can finagle the story enough where it’s true enough to get me a new role, when I’m ready and have the energy to start something new. Until then, this is not a bad place to do good work and hide.

I wonder what this will look like to everyone else. Those who know much of anything will not be surprised. To everyone else, this will look like they’re demoting someone who is going on maternity leave and putting a man who was her junior in her place. That’s not a good look people. But if you know anything you’ll get it. And I’m not going to fight it. I’m not sure I could. I’m not actually losing money. I’m not actually being demoted. So far, I’m still reporting into my boss. She trusts me on this one area so that’s good. Maybe this is all good. Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise as a punch to the gut. I still have a job. And, unless I do something terribly idiotic, I’ll have one when I get back from maternity leave too. My company still allows vesting over maternity leave (though I lose a few thousand dollars due to my ESPP plan pausing when I’m out) and you can look at all this like I’m the luckiest gal in the world. Everyone wins, right? That’s how things should be.

My career doesn’t win. But maybe it doesn’t lose either. Maybe this is a neutral step–a temporary window of time where I can build up confidence again and get my bearings. If I were to stay in my role for another year or two, I’d have more of the same to show and talk about. I’m sure I might have something a little better to show for it, but not exponentially better. I already ran things enough to say I ran things. I feel good about what I’ve accomplished and the story I can tell. When I’m ready, I’ll be ready to present well to my next potential employer. All good.

And my plans and timeline still seem to make sense. Maybe more sense now…

  • 2020 (36) – pregnant
  • 2021 (37) – baby #2 / vest final year of stock
  • 2022 (38) – new job ~Mar-May, try for baby #3 Jul-?
  • 2023 (39) – baby #3
  • 2024 (40) – super mom of 3

The timing of the transition between this job and my next job is key because I want a third child and I’m running out of time. I need to be in my new job for 12 months before I give birth. That means, for those of you bad at math, 3 months before I get pregnant. It will likely be had for me to get pregnant (due to age and medical issues) so I suspect I’ll need to go the IVF route. It may take a while or it may never happen. But I can’t even start trying until 3 months into a new role. And I want to be pregnant by 39 at the latest. I can start trying for #3 in July 2022. So, I should have a new job by ~April 2022. Which is actually exactly aligned to when I want to leave this job. That also means when I come back from maternity leave and into this new role, I should be able to wholeheartedly commit to it for 10-12 months of solid light-up-the-room horsepower to remain gainfully employed while getting my ducks in a row for what’s next. It’s really an ideal timeline. I think making this a 1 year contract to knock of the park makes a lot of sense. Then I’ll feel really good about my contributions and be able to leave on a positive note.

So — I should be celebrating. Maybe, deep down, I am. That doesn’t take away the fact that it still hurts a lot to be told basically that I’m a loser who doesn’t have the skillset to lead. It wasn’t like — you can grow in these areas. It was more — you tried to grow in these areas and failed. We still like the work you do and want you do to more of it, we just don’t want you to ever be a leader here.

At the end of the day, I’m not an asshole enough to lead. So maybe I don’t want to be a leader anyway.

Depression, Mental Illness

I am Unwell and I am Scared

7 Comments

I am going to be 37. I have an, on paper, great job where I’m earning a lot of money on my base plus bonus and stock. I just bought a house. And I’m a complete and utter disaster. I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared.

I’m scared because I’m not actually good at my job. Things were briefly going well, but again I’ve been reminded how not good at my job I am. I have improved, but not to the point where I actually have any idea what I’m doing or can be consistent in my work. I don’t think I’ll get fired before I have a kid unless I totally mess up–but I have 30 years of a giant mortgage weighing on me now. I have 1 and soon to be 2 kids. I am the breadwinner. I have to make this work.

My mother is spending down her assets too fast. She refuses to change her spending behavior. I am trying to help her. I don’t know if I’m helping. I found her a fee only CFP who is advising 60/40 split but even that won’t get her to hit her goals. Her “friend” is going hard at her saying she should get an annuity. She already has a sizable pension from my dad and a decent amount of social security. She needs to sell the family home–yesterday–and I can’t bring myself to push her to do that immediately. I was going to go back for a while this summer to help move things out, to say my goodbyes, but then COVID happened. — Even if I tell her she has to sell now, she won’t anyway. She wants to go back and spend too much time going through the hoarder house and moving things into a storage unit in a state she will probably never visit. I can’t emotionally handle advising on any of this. I just look at the analysis and see how she is going to run out of money if she lives as long as I hope she does. But she’s not exactly the healthiest person on earth. Should we be modeling to 85 instead of 100? Does she only have 20 years left, or less?

I can’t get fired from my job. I’m trying to catch up. Trying to dig myself out of the mess I’ve fallen into again. Too many people at work dislike me and throw me under the bus. It’s because I care too much, though. I’m not actually in it for myself or anything. I’m not chasing a promotion. I just want to do good work. And I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m at too high of a level to get any help. My boss liked me for a bit this year because I stopped asking for help and I pretended everything was ok. But then that all fell hard on my head like a pile of bricks. Why did I miss deadlines again? Oh, because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Still. Please don’t fire me. Please give me another chance. I’ll figure it out. I’ll make it work.

Some things are going well, but that’s all negated by everything that isn’t. This house purchase is exciting and feels good like I finally have made something meaningful of my life but it also feels like I just shackled myself and I’m not going to survive the next 30 years. I really don’t think I can do it. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Because maybe I can keep making enough income to pay a $5k or $7k mortgage. I have to. I don’t have a choice. I mean, I have some savings that I can use for a while if I can’t hold a job. But the longer I don’t hold a job, the harder it will be to get a job that pays enough to pay the mortgage. So I have to keep this job, and eventually get another job, and so on, until I’m 66, and have the mortgage paid off.

I don’t want to complain about any of this. Because I’m so fortunate to be where I am and to have this job and to have stock to sell off and I’ll probably be fine because somehow it all works out in the end. But I’ve also kept my living expenses so low and that’s granted me some breathing room even when things start looking really bad. Now I don’t have that breathing room. Not now, and not in the next 30 years. 30 years is a long time. I mean, I’m 36, so it’s not like, my whole life… but 30 years ago I was 6. So.

I wish I could talk to my husband about this stuff, but I can’t because he will just get frustrated with me and upset that I’m being so fickle again. It’s like with my job — things go well when I hide everything I’m scared of. When I try to hide the mess that I am and just pretend like everything is great. That’s how it works in my relationship as well. I mean, my husband can read my blog if he wanted to — but he doesn’t. Which is fine. I just need to write here because sometimes I need a  place to get things off my chest. My therapist doesn’t really help… I mean, she can help me figure out how to calm down in the moment. But that’s not going to help me get better at my job. Or be able to pay this mortgage for 30 years.

This is where I hit a wall over and over again. Why I end up so fucking depressed even if from the outside work I guess I “have it all” — a house, a husband, kids, a good job, etc. I mean, I made a plan and here I am hitting it. Second kid at 37. House. $X in my bank account before I buy a house. It’s like, it’s all going so great then why am I this sad and terrified? I try not to think about it. I’m not going to be happy but I try to just focus on the here and now and get through the day. Keep my job as long as possible. Keep pretending I got this.

But I don’t. I don’t got this at all.

Real Estate & Rent

6 Year Plan for 20% of Networth in Home Equity

2 Comments

Even though it seems impossible, my goal is to keep my family networth with 20% of total AFTER TAX networth in home equity. This means I need to carefully stick to contributions and growth in my other funds (after tax values) to hit my savings goals (my goal is $5M of after tax networth by 50.) This assumes an increase of 5% in home value per year for next 6 years. This does not make any assumptions for stock gains, it just notes how much I would need to have in each bucket to keep the target asset allocation.

The first chart before is of my after tax goals for the next 6 years. Below this chart are my current actuals (and gaps that need to be fixed by end of 2020.)

The below notes that in order to be on track for 2021, I need the following adjustments/additions:

  • $35k more saved (allocated based on goals)
  • US bond fund and developed market fund need more investment

*note, this does not include emergency fund cash or expenses

1 2 3 4 5 6
37 38 39 40 41 42
2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026
Target Post Tax
Home Equity 20% $254,160 $303,036 $355,356 $411,292 $471,024 $534,743
Company Stock 10% $127,080 $151,518 $177,678 $205,646 $235,512 $267,372
Large Cap US 29% $368,532 $439,402 $515,266 $596,373 $682,985 $775,378
Small Cap US 4% $50,832 $60,607 $71,071 $82,258 $94,205 $106,949
Developed 24% $304,992 $363,643 $426,427 $493,550 $565,229 $641,692
Emerging 4% $50,832 $60,607 $71,071 $82,258 $94,205 $106,949
Bond US 6% $76,248 $90,911 $106,607 $123,387 $141,307 $160,423
Bond Int 3% $38,124 $45,455 $53,303 $61,694 $70,654 $80,212
$1,270,800 $1,515,180 $1,776,779 $2,056,458 $2,355,121 $2,673,717
Actual Post Tax
 TARGET GAP TARGET V DIFF
Home Equity 20.00% $254,160 20% 0% $254,160 $0
Company Stock 12.35% $156,887 10% -2% $127,080 $29,807
Large Cap US 29.02% $368,845 29% 0% $368,532 $313
Small Cap US 4.30% $54,601 4% 0% $50,832 $3,769
Developed 21.48% $272,924 24% 3% $304,992 -$32,068
Emerging 4.96% $63,003 4% -1% $50,832 $12,171
Bond US 0.87% $11,074 6% 5% $76,248 -$65,174
Bond Int 4.22% $53,665 3% -1% $38,124 $15,541
Missing 2.80% $35,641 0 -2.80% $35,641
$1,270,800