Tag Archives: marriage

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Regarding My Relationship

December 13, 2008 Joy 2 Comments

A few of you responded to my last post that I sound like I’m unhappy with my current relationship. After all, I’m jealous of my friend who has an engineer for a fiancee, who is paying for her house.

Yes, I am jealous. But I also have come to a point in my life where I know money isn’t everything. It isn’t even necessary for happiness.

I dated an attorney for 2 years. He was in law school when we first started going out. He claimed he wasn’t in it for the money, but he had a certain standard of living that it was clear he didn’t want to give up. He wanted to build on that. He now owns a nice 1.5 bedroom condo in a decent area of San Francisco. I broke up with him because he was too ambitious. He cared much more about his career than his relationship. There was a coldness about him too. Robotic, almost. He was in it, even more so, for the challenge of his job, the intellectual splendor of it.

A lot of people are like this. And I respect them. And some days I want to be dating them. But really, I know that’s not the life I can lead.

My current guy… despite lacking ambition… or being afraid of having ambition… is the sweetest man I have ever known. He’s truly a “good” guy. I love that we could spend an entire evening cuddling and watching old episodes of some series we’re trying to catch up on. Of course, the relationship isn’t perfect. I’d love if he would so much as ask for a raise at work, but he won’t. He lives at home, his mom has saved up enough to send him to grad school if he ever wants to go, so he doesn’t need to earn much. I’m his biggest cost… he buys me food every once in a while. Without me, he practically wouldn’t even have to work. He didn’t… for a year after he graduated college, he didn’t work. It took me nagging and him being annoyed at me nagging and me stopping nagging for him to get an internship and then finally a job.

So yea, that bugs me a bit. But it’s not like I’m Ms. Ambitious either. I’ve gotten “let go” more times than I can count because depression or anxiety got in the way. I happen to be doing… well, pretty good right now, but that can change at any moment. My lawyer boyfriend really looked down on me when I was going through a dark time in my life, when I wasn’t sure what I was doing with my life. My current bf, I know he doesn’t care whether I’m out there bringing in the bucks or just making ends meet. He loves me regardless. And I really do love him whether or not he makes $100k a year… or $25k.

I also am rational and know that one day, if I want to own a house or have a family, money matters. It feels like romance and a relationship should be different than the business partnership that is marriage. Yea, you’re super lucky if you get both, but I don’t like to mix my love life with business. It always ends badly.

Investing

Saving Confusion

March 26, 2008 Joy 6 Comments

I’ve been going on and on about how I don’t know where to put my savings. I’ve been trying to save and invest, but right now I have a feeling my portfolio breakdown is not advisable. I still need to open an HSA and money needs to start going into that ASAP, but other than that I’m not sure where to invest.

Right now, my savings breakdown is:

$2167 — liquid checking to pay off debts, rent, bills, etc (checking, liquid savings & paypal)
$19,599.34 — pre tax non-retirement, non liquid savings (CD #1 & #2, Sharebuilder, Vanguard, Prosper)
$7067.75 — Roth IRA (down from $7300 of initial investment. Have $1700 more to invest in 2008)

DEBT
-$1037.88 — debt (to be paid from checking as soon as the deposit fully clears in my checking account)
-$450 — to go to taxes

TOTAL NET WORTH: $27,346.21

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So that means right now 71.6% of my total portfolio is taxed once, then is put into a pre-tax account to be taxed again when it take it out one day down the road.

Savings wise, here are my priorities to save for…

1. My Health (As I have a high deductible health insurance, I need to make sure my HSA savings at least covers that deductible. Hopefully I’ll never have to use it. Right now I don’t have an HSA account set up. I need to do that pronto.) This also covers general dental care, yearly cleanings, etc, and vision expenses (I’m not sure if an HSA can go to vision costs or not, I’ll have to find out. But I need new contacts!)

2. A House (I’m 24 now, I’d like to purchase a home by the time I’m 30)

3. Grad School (I’m pretty sure I want to go back to grad school one day, either for directing — a huge expense –, an MBA, or a degree in computer interaction design. I want to do this by the time I’m 27.)

4. Cosmetic Dentistry (my teeth make me so sad. I’d love to be able to get them fixed at some point!)

5. Travel / Gifts / Fun / Gadgets (I’d like to save for enjoyment expenditures and gadgets, so I can buy things like a DSLR camera without feeling guilty.)

6. Laser Hair Removal (due to having polycystic ovary syndrome, I have excess hair that grows on my face and it drives me nuts. I also spend a small fortune buying tweezers and razors every other day. If laser hair removal really is permanent then this expense might be worth it. I’ll probably have to save about $5000 to get it done, or maybe just $2000 or something for my face alone.

7. Marriage & Kids (I want to get married when I’m 33 or so and have three kids. Well, one to start with and I’ll go from there. The cost of getting pregnant, thanks to having PCOS, will be huge. I’ll have to get drugged up and do in vitro, probably, over and over again. This is going to be majorly expensive. If I don’t start saving now, I might never be able to have children. Even adopting is expensive, so either way I’ll need the money before I can have a family.)

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Uncategorized

Define Gold Digger.

January 1, 2008 Joy 2 Comments

Long before I was born, the term “gold digger” had not been coined. Instead, it was acceptable to pursue a significant other of reputable financial status. At that time, women of worth did not have to work, so gold digging was probably the hardest job they’d have their whole life, especially if the woman came from a lower class family. Always marry up.

(This post is largely about heterosexual relationships, though it can be applied to homosexual relationships as well… except since gays & bi’s in same-sex relationships can’t get married, the money issues become even more complex.)

In today’s world, gold digging has such a negative connotation. There are definitely different levels of gold digging…

1. Date only for the money. Go on some reality show about dating a millionaire. Expect your boyfriend to buy you everything. Luxurious trips. Spa treatments. Jewelery. Clothes. A car. A mansion. You name it, he’s paying.

2. Date because you like the guy, and because he happens to be successful. Well, you say you are attracted to him because he is successful, not because he has money, but… you know that’s not entirely the truth. Life is expensive, and although you may work and bring in significant dough yourself, you know that in the long run you will have a dual income household and that second income will either help you buy a house… or a teeny tiny condo… or keep renting your whole life, depending on how big that income is. You want stability, and a future. You’ll date a guy who makes a good salary over one who doesn’t any day.

3. You date whoever. You don’t care what they make. Still, you like it when they pay for your date every once in a while. You enjoy nice gifts. You’re happy with whatever gifts you get, yet still like to be spoiled a bit every once in a while. Like on your birthday. But you don’t care about the cost of living in the future and you figure if all else fails, you’ll take care of that on your own.

Well…

I’d say I’m more or less #3. Or a cross between 2 and 3.

Let me back up a bit. A few years ago, I started to date a law student. I dated him because he had a good personality and I liked the guy. We became good friends fast and eventually we decided to give it a go. During the relationship, he was a student and then a law clerk, so he wasn’t what you would call “rich.” But I found out that he covered his law school tuition thanks to mom and dad before even enrolling. So he had some spare cash to spend. After he started his life in the professional world of law, I was a poor intern making about minimum wage. But he wouldn’t so much as buy me a movie ticket. Eventually, I got tired of his stinginess (because I am a gold digger?) and decided to move on. There were other reasons I made that decision, but I felt like if he had the money, he should want to help his girlfriend out.

Now I’m dating a guy who will probably always be in the middle class, like me. There’s nothing wrong with being in the middle class. I love this guy more than anything, and I can see spending my life with him. He’s just getting started out on his career… and while he dreams of making gobs of money and considered going to law school for that reason, he is probably going to end up in a less profitable career. If he ever decides to go to grad school, his mother is footing the bill. If he doesn’t, that money exists for such things as… oh… a down payment on a house.

So… in the back of my mind, I still feel comfortable dating this guy because I know there’s money there. I’m not dating him because of his money, but it’s kind of a safety net… in case my own career doesn’t work out the way I plan.

Meanwhile, my earlier boyfriend, the lawyer (who is still my good friend) now takes in over $200k a year at 29. He owns a condo. He still lives frugally (he loves buying things on sale at the supermarket) and he’ll surely save up lots of money to buy a huge house one day.

Sometimes I think of what my life would be if I ended up with him. I know in my heart that would be the wrong choice, yet to give up a life of financial security (although I’d definitely have to earn enough to cover what I wanted in life, but at least things like house and food would likely be covered) is tough to give up for the sake of love.

We’re all taught that love is what we should be looking for. But when it comes down to it, life is about the survival of the fittest, and the survival of the richest. Healthcare… yea, get married to someone who has good healthcare if you want to freelance on your own. That will make your life affordable.

Money has to play a role in relationships. Otherwise it becomes a giant problem later. So many relationships dissolve because of money issues. It doesn’t even matter how much you have, what matters is how you decide to spend it.

What do you think about gold digging? Is it bad? Do you do it? How does money define your relationships?