Tag Archives: firing

Career

Do something meaningful or just make money or FIRE

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I’m not sure what I want to do with my life, but it feels as if I’m running out of time to do it, whatever “IT” is. I always felt like in order for life to be worth living, you need to do something worth doing. But then I also acknowledge that life is fleeting no matter what, and even the most accomplished of individuals are forgotten, if not in generations, than at some point the the sun dies and humanity disappears forever. It’s a bleak way of looking at things, but it also is freeing. Nothing I do matters from that perspective. Nothing at all.

What does matter, at the moment, is paying the bills. Giving my kids a good life for the few years they get to live when it does feel like life has meaning. Giving my family a life that I can look back on, on my deathbed, and think, I gave them all a good life. We had fun. We laughed. We spent quality time together. We saw the world as much as we wanted to. We ate good food that we made or bought. We had some memorable experiences. My kids are well-adjusted, as much as possible with our DNA, and we’ve been generally good people.

How much money does THAT cost?

Well, right now we’re spending anywhere from $12k-$15k a month, and it doesn’t get us that lifestyle. Not here. Not in the Bay Area. We can have some of it. I’m getting better at learning the basics of cooking (taco night FTW) and honing in on managing my Amazon addiction.

But everything adds up.

New tires.

Special doctor’s appointments for my autistic kiddos, now with a $50 co-pay per appointment on my $1200 a month already-subsidized Obamacare plan.

What’s happening with the plant outside?

We should check on the house insulation as our PG&E bill is $600 a month.

Our car is on its last legs. We can manage with just the minivan for a while, but then we’ll have some uber costs to take us places and can’t take the kids two places at once.

My mom on the east coast is only getting older, and eventually she won’t be able to fly out here to see us. It kills to think about not seeing my mom at least two times a year, even though she drives me nutso. Family is family.

The kid’s school is having a fundraiser, again.

And so on.

Life is just expensive. People clearly manage on less. A lot less. Even in this insanely expensive part of the country.

But — to life the life I want — we need to earn. I need a job.

We can maneuver our savings and investments as such that I probably don’t have to earn a crazy amount to be CoastFI at least. That’s nice to know. It’s incredible to have a serious cushion at this point in my life. I’m not sure how I got here, but I did. I still remember saving my first 50k, 100k, 250k, etc, and thinking — wow, that’s a lot of money. So it’s all relative. I’m in a good place. We’re in a good place. But I can’t not work. Not here anyway. And as my husband refuses to move (and I don’t really want to) I need to figure it out.

He makes $110k a year with no benefits. We’re bleeding anywhere from $50k-$100k or more a year with his income alone. My goal is to make $150k a year minimum.

The job market is shit right now. Add to that my wonky employment history and not clearly fitting in any one position I’m a bit scared.

I’ve applied to 300 jobs, give or take. I have some interviews here and there, but nothing is sticking. This week I have two first round interviews, one second round, and one second round that appears to be a final round because it’s five hours(!) long. Remote at least. It’s good I don’t have a job because who has time to find a job when they do?

I know, I know, I’ve been daydreaming of a career change. I’m not against that either. Just scared. I’ve been starting to learn some very preliminary coding. Ok, I watched a few YouTube videos and have been conversing with ChatGPT about where I should start and my 6 year old son knows more Python than I do. I have a few app ideas, but haven’t jumped in yet. It’s difficult to focus with ADHD and 3 kids including a 3-mo old who needs to nurse every 3 hours or so. My brain is a big pile of mush. And I’m supposed to work full-time again, how?

The jobs I’m interviewing for are all over the map. I had a call for one that paid $80k-$100k. That was a horrible interview and they decided I wasn’t worth following up with to even tell me they passed on me, I guess. Most of the roles are senior IC or head of the small department and paying $180k-$200k. A few are $120k-$150 IC or some are head of in small startups where they think that range is acceptable. Then others at bigger companies are higher than $200k but odds of getting those are teeny tiny non existent (though there is one I’m applying to that seems like a possible good fit, so fingers crossed there.)

It’s just… I wish I could have a job that inspired me to do my best work… I feel like I need that. Something I wake up in the morning and I’m all like, wow, I get to do THIS with my life? But is that realistic? How many people actually get that kind of life?

The reality is that I have 25 years or so left to work. Which is a long time but it’s also not that long of a time. If I stay in a job 4 years, that’s 6 jobs or so between now and retirement. Six opportunities to do something meaningful or to just hold my breath and pay the bills. And if I do FIRE, then even less time. How much do I need to care? What if I just find a job I can do blindfolded with my hands tied? Why does it HAVE to be hard OR meaningful?

I just want to feel like I can do the job. Even if I can convince these folks that I can in the interviews (I doubt it), when I start working how do I actually do a good job? I never know where to start. If someone hands me a project I’ll get it done to the best of my ability, but these roles are all so much more ambiguous. Which, tbh, I like — as I get to be more creative and strategic — but then I just have trouble actually figuring out what’s worth doing. I see the big picture and all the things we should be doing, but of course there aren’t enough resources to get that done (esp when the only resource is me). And, so, I flop. When I have an agency or team to do the actual work and I can set the strategy it’s better. But I always run out of time. Some due to procrastination and panic, some due to overcommitting, some do to righting the course too late.

I really don’t know what to do. I know what not to do. What not to do is don’t get fired again.  I mean, I can’t avoid layoffs — which are more common than not these days. But I can’t get FIRED. So I need to figure out how to do things right from day one. Which includes during the interviews because that’s when I actually provide an overview of my plan for the first 90 days usually. I need alignment where I’m not overselling myself to get the job but also getting the resources I need to make a big difference fast. I made it 4 months in my last role and that’s because my first 90 days I didn’t get enough done. I would have handled things differently if I could do that all over again, but no matter what I think it wasn’t a fit.

I’m really struggling and scared. I know I’m not going to be on the street tomorrow. But I just don’t know what I’m good at. And I’m tired. And don’t have the energy to fight right now. I need a job that I can do and do well and earn ok money at and actually feel some sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Is that job out there? Is it one of the roles I’m interviewing for this week? Will I ever find it? And when I do… how da fuc do I keep it?

Career, Depression

Should I change my career at 40? I need a do over.

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If you’ve been following this blog for the last — nearly 20 — years, you know I never exactly loved my career. While I struggle with depression and ADHD, I’ve managed to continue getting jobs after being let go over and over again… but the jobs I was able to get were the ONLY jobs I was offered at the time and I took what I could get. Am I lucky I got anything? Yes. Am I lucky those jobs sometimes paid a lot especially with a few solid years of stock being worth more than I ever imagined? 100% yes. But…

But.

I’m 40 and I have no employable skills. I’ve gotten by with a mix of getting lucky and having hiring mangers who had strong ideas of what they wanted and couldn’t find anyone else willing to execute on them. I have been a “yes” woman but never have built my own value in knowledge and abilities I can take from one organization to the next.

As I joined a “obviously going to be fired” zoom call last February, I no longer deluded myself into thinking the early morning meeting with my boss was going to be something else. I had flights booked for a series of conferences I was managing and my boss, over the weekend, told me to cancel my trip and meet him first thing Monday morning. I knew I deserved what was coming. I was lost, yet again, in a job that I couldn’t do. I didn’t know what to do. There were a bunch of things he wanted me to do but nothing came naturally to me and I spent too many hours spiraling over how I couldn’t do a good job. His constant berating me for the work I did do didn’t help.

If it was just that one job I’d say it’s a fluke — a bad boss — a bad environment — bad luck. But this is the story from day one of my career. And at 40 it’s no longer a little bit of imposter syndrome mixed with something I can learn. It’s obvious to me this isn’t going to improve in this field. I can maybe find the right combo of meds to help minimize my anxiety and help me focus — but even then — I’m not able to do this job at any company. Reading and applying to job postings just makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m hopeful I can find a career where I don’t feel that way about work. Maybe I’ll never LOVE working, but I want a career that doesn’t make me borderline suicidal.

Part of me is excited about starting over. Going into this with a big enough cushion that I can give myself two years to redirect and will probably be ok. It’s scary to drain my savings down, but scarier to think about 25 more years living like this (if I can even manage to find another job in my field, which is looking less and less like by the day.)

I do carry shame that I’ve failed to get where I should be at this age. If I had only focused and built my career in my field I could daily b making $250k+ a year. I could be providing for my family consistently. I could be good at my job. I’m sure shit would happen sometimes and there’d be new things to learn, but I’d be one of those people who just knew what they’re doing and acted like it. I could/should be a VP at my age. Instead, I’m applying to junior level job and not even getting calls for interviews because my experience makes no sense.

It really, really sucks.

And it’s an opportunity. To start over. Clean slate. Is that possible at 40? How am I 40? 40 with a newborn and two other kids under 5. I’m tired. And want to be a good mom too. Struggling to do a little work and also the mom thing. So how could I go back to school? I feel pretty lost right now. There are options — so many options — but which path to take? I’m scared to invest in myself. Scared to throw money at a problem when that problem is me.

I don’t know what choice I have, though. At some point the money will run out. My husband refuses to get a full time job until the kids are all in school full time, and even his full time income would not cover our expenses. I need to get it together. I have health insurance covered through the end of August and then need to either pay for COBRA or get insurance on the marketplace. It’s so expensive. Life is crazy expensive. I refuse to lose everything I’ve built over the last 20 years. The only question is — how?

Career

2021. How Can I Make This Year Good?

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Two weeks. Two weeks until I go back to work from my maternity leave. How did that happen? Where did the time go? Sure, I had a baby and he has DOUBLED in size since he flew out of me all of 3 minutes and 3 pushes, but what else happened? Wasn’t I going to unpack all of the stuff from when we moved into this new house at the end of last year? Finish my wedding album I’ve been postponing due to PTSD from my wedding day? Make a portfolio? Learn a lot of things to change careers? Spend quality time with my kids?

At least for the time being I can work from home. It sounds like companies overall are leaning towards having employees come back to the office sooner than later now that people can get vaccines. I actually started my vaccine regiment last week (legally) due to a health condition (ok I gain too much in pregnancy and haven’t lost enough yet) and I have my second vaccine date scheduled in two weeks. My arm is busted and I’m concerned it won’t get better again but I think that’s probably due to poor administration of the vaccine than the vaccine itself. Anyway. I’ll be vaccinated so if my work says everyone vaccinated needs to go back I’ll need to go back. Fuck. Suddenly moving an hour-and-a-half from the office, permanently, doesn’t seem like such a good idea.

Although. The whole moving an hour-and-a-half from the office WAS a good idea because it means I won’t stay in this job that makes me miserable even if I don’t get fired. I’m still wallowing in self pity as my work-friend-who-told-me-he-was-quitting-a-few-zillion-times-prior-to-getting-my-job seems to be thriving. I know he’s not the malicious type and he managed to win the position by being, you know, reliable and strategic and stuff, so I can’t be mad at him. But it still hurts. And the worst of all of it is how I wrote a note to my former boss who is now my boss’s boss about how I fail all the time at everything etc etc when I was manic and cried a lot in front of her and, well, that was nail in my coffin that’s been long built waiting for me to be buried six feet under.

I’m TRYING to focus on being positive in this grande return to the office. I know it’s not a forever return, just a return until I get my stock and can move on to whatever is next. And I want to do a good job. It’s 12 months. That’s forever but also not a lot of time at all. If I break it down into 4 quarters, I just have to figure out what I need to do in each quarter to add value and not make anyone’s life harder than it is. That means 1. getting all my shit done on time and 2. keeping my mouth shut. No great ideas. No creativity. No wanting to improve things from the way they are. None of that. If I have any chance of surviving the next 12 months, it’s being forgotten as much as possible and being reliable/dependable when people do notice me. That’s it. I’m not chasing a promotion. There will never be a promotion. I’m at a dead end and the walls are closing in. So what? That’s ok. I can play the game as long as the game is still allowing me to play.

Job postings continue to depress me. I’m trying not to worry about that too much, but odds are I’m going to have to take a step back no matter what next is, even in the same field. That’s ok, though. I just have to get lucky to get into a company that wants to help employees move up over time. One with bosses who mentor their employees. Maybe I can find a better fit. I don’t know. I’ll certainly try. In 12 months. Or less. I made this this long, what’s another 12 months really? The longer I can work remote in those 12 months the better. Head down. Get work done. Hide. Hope they forget me. But not enough to get rid of me. Please. I hope. I hope I don’t come back form maternity leave and immediately get fired. For those projects I didn’t finish. But I went out earlier than I planned due to health reasons.  I’m hoping that won’t be enough to kick me out. Not yet anyway. Maybe I’ll have 3-6 months to prove myself. And I can hang on. I can do my work. Whatever is thrown at me. I won’t be a rockstar. I’ll be the opposite of that. Hiding in plain sight.

I’m feeling lukewarm about my prospects of survival this year. I’m trying to accept if I don’t make it then it’s not the end of the world. It will be very sad to miss out on the remaining stock. That’s about $683,000 in 12 months. Even on the high end at another job the most I’ll see is about $250k-$350k for 12 months. And likely it will be less than that. I make it to June, and I’m looking at $585k lost in 12 months. By Jan that slides down to $285k for 12 months and by April “just” $250k. This year is worth it. Next year starts opening up the possibility of finding a job that puts me in the running to make a similar amount, or at least find a public company with stock that’s growing so my income goes up again vs goes down.

I am NOT looking forward to my belated performance review that will be all sorts of icky. I know I got a chunk of my bonus so hoping that means I’m not getting fired immediately. It’s the first year I didn’t get all of my bonus so that’s not a good sign, but I still go most of it. Would be kind of strange to give me most of my bonus then fire me — but stranger things have happened, right?

The funny thing is I’m kind of looking forward to going back to work. I feel incredibly unproductive right now. I need some sort of structure to my days. I just wish it didn’t take up my ENTIRE day. If I can find a job that offers flexible schedules, that would be ideal. Until then, I’m gonna hold my breath and push through the rest of this year. Even nine months before I’m ousted would be a huge victory. I have to do this. I hope I can.

Career, Management

Not The Best Year Yet.

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Shortly after I was given a new boss said new boss announced that he wants me to leave the company. The company is, from all appearances, protecting themselves and providing some sort of a performance plan to document any and all mistakes, but it seems that no matter what I do right now I’m dead man walking. Needless to say, such a feeling isn’t exactly the most inspiring when it comes to driving further engagement and one’s best work.

At the moment, whether it’s my paranoia or accurate analysis of said situation, I’m hypersensitive to each criticism flung my way by my boss who is not at all supportive and who clearly wants me out. Yesterday. I’m pretty sure he’s overreacting to every tiny error on my part just to build his case to throw me out the door, and there isn’t one person willing to step up and protect me. To be fair, I am not the ideal person for this role, and I’ve struggled with the position both from the day-to-day tasks of the role, as well as in building a team (let’s just say the few hires I did make ended up embarrassingly failures before they even started… and then they never even started!)

Right now I’m in this pickle of a predicament where the only type of roles I’d be considered for are more senior level roles in my particular field/area of my field – yet, those are the jobs where I feel like I’m not the right fit. Sure, I can brainstorm strategy and come up with some good ideas – but I’m not a good team builder and I’m certainly not the best when it comes to ongoing detail-oriented execution. Clearly I can do well enough in an interview(s) to convince certain types of executives that I’m the IT girl that is going to skyrocket their business to success. Then reality hits. And it’s only a matter of time before all the shit hits all the fans. And I’m back to square one.

Then again, I tell myself – maybe this time, it will be different. After all, I’ve learned quite a lot in this role, many things that looking back I could have been much more effective doing if I had such insights before playing a fast-and-loose game of trial-and-error. Maybe I wouldn’t be any better at the execution but I’d be better at staffing up early, hiring for people to do the things I’m not good at (vs trying really hard to prove to myself I can do everything when clearly that’s a recipe for absolute disaster.) Maybe with a fresh opportunity and a growing company I can actually do a good job.

That is the futile optimism that continues to lurk relentlessly in the crevices of my foolish skull. My mental illness, inability to sleep on a regular basis, and general existential emptiness ensure that I run blindly off cliffs in any which direction all while telling myself “I CAN DO THIS.” (No, I can’t. And, fuck it, that’s ok to admit.)

Managing people is it’s own skill and personality type. It’s rewarded handsomely with much better salary and benefits than just managing yourself. It also means that you have to somehow have the ability to take pride in your team’s success and take on some of that success for your own bragging rights (which are necessary to keep you employed vs having a younger, faster, better and eager employee who earns significantly less than you do take your place) and manage to buffer team members who are not performing as well from the powers that be, falling on the sword, so to speak, for those who aren’t performing, and/or figuring out how to jump in and fix shit that you may or may not have any idea how to do. Management sucks.

All of the mind games of corporate life – even in a startup – are too much for my INFP psyche. I’m just a sensitive sap who should be an artist or novelist but instead is writing a series of entertaining yet unfinished whitepapers and shaking hands at conferences silently begging her social anxiety to shut the fuck up. It’s no longer just a cute recurring nightmare of my 20s, this is my life – my career – the entirety of the next however many years I face ahead of me until retirement, and I don’t know what it is that I can do, in a stable sense, to have some kind of sane life where I’m not desperately looking for a new job every 6 to 12 months and ending up right back where I started.

You know?