Tag Archives: depression

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INTP and Depression

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I’ve been rather depressed lately. Whether or not I’m clinically depressed, I don’t know. Unless someone has been abused or has obvious genetic-caused psychosis, I don’t really believe in mental disorders.

That said, I’m yet again on a downward spiral. I’m bored at work, yet feel stuck because there’s no where to go. I’m only bored because I have no power or control over anything. And because people don’t like me, don’t trust me, and don’t want to hear me.

Ultimately, this all ties to money. This is the first year I’m making a good salary in my life. In one year I’ve managed to make over $60k. That’s incredible. What would be more incredible would be being able to maintain that. And it’s just not likely.

Some of you commented on my last post about career that you’d rather have a career you don’t feel personally attached to, so you could just focus on enjoying your life outside of work. I guess I just can’t live that way. I can’t detach myself from anything I do. Either I care too much or I don’t care at all.

I took the Myers Briggs test again. I used to be an INFP but the older I get the more INTP I become. I was 70% “T” when I took the test today. Everything about INTP’s speaks to me, as do the careers mentioned for the type… architect, scientist, engineer. Yet that isn’t what I was, academically, trained to do. I don’t see how I can go from where I am to where I might be happy.

Sure it’s possible. But it will cost A LOT. And is it worth it? Will that really make me happy? I’d only know after going into massive debt on my quest. And that may make me even more depressed than I am now.

I’m going to see a career counselor this month. On my 26th birthday. As a gift to myself. Maybe she will help me find a direction. Clarity. I spoke with another career counselor for a free consultation on the phone and she basically told me… a few decades ago women didn’t have any choice. So you are doing fine. You just have a lot of choices now. Don’t worry so much.

I can’t help but worry. I see dollars and cents in my future. Savings that could be. Not that my desired careers wouldn’t be lucrative, but getting there just seems impossible.

That said, I’m not sure how much longer I can stay where I am, doing what I do, feeling so helpless. The salary may be great, but I can’t hide it when I’m miserable. I’m so so so lucky to have a job right now with the unemployment rate at double digits, but I still feel so… empty. I don’t think I’m gaining any skills at this job that are transferrable, I’m at a dead end. Any other job with the same title requires me to be more extroverted than I am, and I’ll never be an extrovert. I just don’t know what to do.

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Feeling a Little Overwhelmed

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My life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. It’s been on the up lately, which, is really good. But every so often I slip into a down, and it’s tough to keep myself on that much-needed upward trend.

When I’m most successful, I always make mistakes. Now, I guess in some respect mistakes are natural. No one is perfect. But I’m talking about stupid mistakes. I can solve the hardest problem and mess up the easy stuff. Maybe it’s my ADD. Maybe I’ll just never be good with the details.

And that is what depresses me so much. I can work my ass off, I can really, really care, and still, in the end, it probably looks like I’ve been lazy or didn’t care at all. Which is extremely frustrating.

When there is all this news about job losses around the world, and esp. in the US, I feel so fortunate to have my job, yet at the same time totally terrified about losing it, or worse, having my bosses be bitter for employing me when I’m causing more trouble than I’m worth.

I don’t mean for this to be a bitch fest, but truth be told I’m feeling depressed right now and I can’t kick the feeling. I’m happier than I’ve ever been thus far in my life and I’m still stuck in a wee bit of self hatred. How can I get over it? How can I stop making mistakes? That really is the only thing that will allow me to stay happy. Ugh.

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Sequoia says RIP, How Worried Should I Be?

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I’m trying really hard not to worry about this whole financial “crisis.” I’m young(ish) and resilient, as are my stocks, as is my career, and I’m in a much better place than all the baby boomers who are currently watching their 401k’s break even after years of saving… or worse.

Me? I have a job. It’s more stable than not, though after the latest Sequoia report came out it’s looking more and more like if I don’t have the skills to hack it at a web startup, I’m going to be toast. Or dust. Or dust-buttered toast. I’m nervous.

More than anything, I wish I had some serious skills – like computer programming. Then I’d be able to do something useful. But I know that I have to do a lot to prove that I’m useful over the coming months, or it will be my head on the chopping block.

Working for a startup, I’ve always assumed any day could be my last. That’s the joy of working for a startup… even if the markets are doing great, you could be unemployed tomorrow! 🙂

I really wonder what the Silicon Valley shakeout will look like in the coming years. During my brief stint in business journalism, one thing I saw was how many silly companies were getting millions of dollars just because they happened to have a persuasive CEO. It’s totally a bubble, and with the latest turn in the economy, it’s certain to burst. I’m trying to just hold my breath and hope for the best. Again, I’m young, and this won’t last forever. I just hate that I’m trying my darndest to save and I’m still losing money. Bah.

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What Recession?

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Every other day the media is telling us that we’re either in a recession or the government has miraculously saved us from entering one. I’ve even heard talk about an upcoming depression, despite plenty of safety nets in line to prevent another 1929.

These are the times when I really wish I knew more about the economy and what it all meant. I watch my stocks go up and down… and down again, but understanding why is a whole other matter.

The latest AP article I read on the subject explained that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke just said that a recession is possible.

Seems like he’s late to the game, doesn’t it?

Ok, so he’s in charge of the Federal Reserve, which must have some significance, economically speaking. He said that policymakers are “fighting against the wind” in trying to steady the economy.

I guess earlier this year he tried to give a pep talk on how great the economic future was looking for this country and now he’s going for the surefire glass is half-empty approach in case of a meltdown. Better to say I told you so late then I never told you so at all.

This is where the tricky economic babblygook comes in and I get lost. The GDP (or gross domestic product) will not grow much over the first half of 2008 – and could contract slightly.

Sounds like a bad situation. Growth is good. Shrinkage is bad.(Just ask a porn star.)

Apparently under a rule someone wrote somewhere, six straight months of declining GDP means we’re in a recession.

So Bernanke thinks that the stimulus package will help economic growth in the second half of this year and into 2009.

Uhm, I’m still under the impression that a $600 tax “gift” is not enough to encourage most folks to run out and spend. Or maybe I’m just so caught up in this personal finance world that I forget how most people spend their money.

If I were the government, I’d give out larger chunks of money to random people, with a weighting on lower income families. $600 is not enough to encourage spending, but maybe $3000 is. So don’t give it to everyone or just limit to really specific demographics and viola, you have more consumer spending. $600 is usually just enough to pay off credit card bills, if you’re frugal with your credit.

Maybe what the government is doing for businesses will help more, as well as those interest rate cuts that I’m still unclear on. One of the key interest rates was cut to 2.25 percent to “spur buying and investing by individuals and businesses.”

I’m not sure how that spurs buying and investing. All I know is that my ING Direct account savings interest % is lower than it’s been in a long time and that makes me less likely to spend any of my money.

I guess homeowners and people who have larger loans benefit from this. I certainly don’t.

Will the Fed drop its interest rate again when it meets at the end of April? There’s plenty of speculation, but no one knows for sure. It seems that stocks will certainly be following the news closely.

Still – most of the trouble seems to stem from banks loaning out these unfixed interest loans to people who wanted to buy houses who just couldn’t afford them. Now those people, and those banks, are figuring out their screwed. I didn’t go to Harvard or anything, but does it really take a calculus scholar to figure out that equation doesn’t work?

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Lacking Charisma: Social Anxiety and Work

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I’m bad at small talk and, despite my desire to be well-liked, I lack adequate amounts of charm and grace. Looking back on my job positions over the past five years, I see a disheartening trend: my failures are more or less due to my desire to limit human interaction as much as possible in any given period of time.

Silicon Valley is all about the small talk. The inside jokes, the laughter. I probably seem like I’m stuck up because I don’t know how to just chat. Either I feel like I’m talking too much, or I feel like I’m boring the person I’m talking to with questions.

I feel like I do well on my job interviews. I seem personable enough. Then it comes to the actual ‘work’ part of a job… and I just want to work and be done with it. Well, that’s not entirely true, I love collaboration… working in small teams… when my ideas seem to be worth something and I can help contribute to a final product. That’s when I like talking to other people. But otherwise… I just crawl back into my shell.

It really, really sucks. I just want to be that girl that’s always smiling who everyone likes. Maybe I’d annoy some people because I’m just so perky, but when they figured out that the perk was genuine they’d have to like me, at least a little bit, right?

But instead I have trouble making eye contact and forming sentences that seem to resemble phrases that might generate some sort of interest.

I don’t know if there is something ‘wrong’ with me or if I’ve turned myself into this anti-social monster. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autism. I’ve never been good at socializing. When I was a kid, I’d only want to talk to adults, and that wasn’t because I liked talking to adults more, it’s just they’d forgive me for being awkward in exchange for accepting that I hadn’t reached puberty.

How much of growing up ‘the cootie girl’ influences ones ability to succeed down the road? There are so many voices in my head telling me that I’m a failure, and it’s hard to shove them all out and achieve some sort of clarity.

At my job, I go into the office, I basically run to my desk, and then I work all day, and then I go home. I’m too afraid to even say goodbye to people. I just appear and disappear. That’s no good for making employers want to keep you on as a worker. And don’t even get me started about why I should have never attempted to pursue a career in journalism with social anxiety…

Do you all think that charisma and charm are traits I can take on, or should I just try really hard to learn some super-specific geeky skill that pretty much requires me to be a recluse?

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unemployment and depression

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they say if you pursue your passion, money will come to you. i still don’t know what my passion is. i can’t figure out one job that i’d be happy doing 40-50 hours per week. i’ve tried public relations, admin, arts marketing and journalism, and ultimately i got bored with every single position.

you know what? some days i wonder what it would be like to be a photographer. i love taking pictures. but so many people are good at photography. pursuing a career in writing just feels safer. all businesses need copy. sure, most businesses need photography as well, but i just don’t believe in myself enough to pursue that career.

i just feel like spending my life writing will help me get by. maybe. if i can hold a job long enough to save some money, instead of failing every four months to a year.

i guess i’m writing at the moment because it’s one of my down days. i’m feeling rather hopeless about my future and question why i bother trying. i know that i’ve accomplished quite a bit for my age, but really, the accomplishments i have made all feel rather pointless and don’t bring me any sense of pride. if i was working as a photographer, or a graphic designer, i think i’d be somewhat happy.

i’m just too scared to take out loans and figure out how to get from where i am now to a new career. and emotionally, i feel like i have no where to turn. i love my boyfriend more than i can express, but he isn’t a very expressive person when it comes to empathy, and if i’m sad i just make him sad, so it’s not even worth telling him anymore. my parents are no help, they don’t really care about how i’m doing, as long as i have a roof over my head. but as for my emotional well being, i guess sometimes i feel like no one really cares. perhaps that’s just my depression speaking, but it’s just frustrating to feel that the only person i can really talk to about my problems is my therapist. I guess what i’m saying is I feel rather empty because the few friends i have all seem so happy. they might be working as hair stylists, or editors, but they’re all so content with their lives. i’m not content at all with where i’m at now. i feel like such a waste. i want so much more for my life. but sometimes i think i’m just the dumb kid who snuck through the system. maybe i should have ended up working as a hair stylist or something. not a writer. not a designer. maybe i should work at starbucks. or safeway. i mean, i’m losing faith in myself and my abilities. i want to be brilliant but i’m not even close. i want to help people, but i feel like i can’t even help my family, so how could I help anyone else? i really hate money, even though i love buying things. i hate that i’m such a capitalist.

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Health Insurance Plans & Depression

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I called up a psychiatrist for an appointment since I didn’t trust my general doctor to throw random meds my way just because I told her that I was feeling blue and anxious. Whether I’m really depressed or not, I don’t know, but upon my first visit and answering a few questions my psych jotted down a bunch of notes and decided that I’ve got a case of moderate recurrent depression.

After she bitched for about 15 minutes about how most shrinks really hate medical insurance because of “all of the forms” and that it takes so long to get paid, she decided to give me a free trial of an SSRI antidepressent (Lexipro.) I’ve tried a few meds in the past — xanax for my panic attacks and ritalin for my add, but I’ve never consistently taken anything in the past. I’ve just gotten to the point where I can’t take my anxiety anymore, and it’s really getting in the way of functioning. Well, anxiety has gotten in the way of functioning since I was born, it’s just it was easier to hide it when I wasn’t completely responsible for my well being and time management.

Anyway, I figure the medicine will be rather pricey, even with insurance, but at that point I was ready to try anything to get me out of my slump. (That was about a month ago, btw.) Soon found out that a month’s supply of the antidepressant costs $50 (that’s after insurance pays their part.) Ouch. Then my doc also decided to prescribe me sleeping pills — I haven’t picked those up yet so I’m not sure how much they cost.

“Lucky” for me, I’m “severely” depressed, so my insurance only makes me pay $15 a visit (instead of 50 percent of the visits costs, which would be something like $75-$100 a visit, I think.) Also, if I wasn’t “severely” depressed, I’d be limited to 20 visits per year with a shrink. But because I apparently need lots of help, I can go see a therapist as much as I want for just my co-pay.

I barely go to the doctor for anything else, so I figured I might as well make use of my health insurance to help me be, uh, healthy. I’m quickly slipping some place I don’t want to be, and I’m willing to admit I need some outside help.

Well, after the severe depressive disorder went down in my file, I started reading up about future health insurance issues that go along with having pre-existing conditions like depression. My shrink made an aside when she was diagnosing me that she needed to check over time to see if I’m bi-polar, but then she asked for permission to write that down on my charts since apparently that makes it difficult to get insurance later down the road. At the time, I was so out of it and freaked out about the costs of therapy, I figured the worse of a diagnosis I had, the cheaper my costs were going to be.

Now I’m potentially facing a lifetime of overpriced health insurance. My dream is to work as a freelance web designer and marketing copywriter, but being a freelancer I will have to get my own individual health insurance plan. I’ve read many horror stories about people who were depressed and once on meds getting flat out denied when they applied for individual insurance.

Sure it makes sense for the health insurance agencies to protect themselves, but I’m now terrified (and admittedly even more depressed) knowing that one day I might be SOL when it comes to obtaining affordable health insurance. But it just seems so ridiculous that, while health plans cover mental health conditions, it’s all so shady. When I was looking for a psychiatrist in my area, I must have called every single person on my health insurance plan in a 30 mile radius before finding the one psych I’m seeing now. And I’m tired of her bitching about insurance companies and how most psych’s she knows don’t even take insurance anymore. Ok, I’m sorry I’m not rich enough like everyone else who lives in the area to just pay your fees and deal with my depression. I’m like, a normal person with a fairly normal salary and I need help.