I’ve been rather depressed lately. Whether or not I’m clinically depressed, I don’t know. Unless someone has been abused or has obvious genetic-caused psychosis, I don’t really believe in mental disorders.
That said, I’m yet again on a downward spiral. I’m bored at work, yet feel stuck because there’s no where to go. I’m only bored because I have no power or control over anything. And because people don’t like me, don’t trust me, and don’t want to hear me.
Ultimately, this all ties to money. This is the first year I’m making a good salary in my life. In one year I’ve managed to make over $60k. That’s incredible. What would be more incredible would be being able to maintain that. And it’s just not likely.
Some of you commented on my last post about career that you’d rather have a career you don’t feel personally attached to, so you could just focus on enjoying your life outside of work. I guess I just can’t live that way. I can’t detach myself from anything I do. Either I care too much or I don’t care at all.
I took the Myers Briggs test again. I used to be an INFP but the older I get the more INTP I become. I was 70% “T” when I took the test today. Everything about INTP’s speaks to me, as do the careers mentioned for the type… architect, scientist, engineer. Yet that isn’t what I was, academically, trained to do. I don’t see how I can go from where I am to where I might be happy.
Sure it’s possible. But it will cost A LOT. And is it worth it? Will that really make me happy? I’d only know after going into massive debt on my quest. And that may make me even more depressed than I am now.
I’m going to see a career counselor this month. On my 26th birthday. As a gift to myself. Maybe she will help me find a direction. Clarity. I spoke with another career counselor for a free consultation on the phone and she basically told me… a few decades ago women didn’t have any choice. So you are doing fine. You just have a lot of choices now. Don’t worry so much.
I can’t help but worry. I see dollars and cents in my future. Savings that could be. Not that my desired careers wouldn’t be lucrative, but getting there just seems impossible.
That said, I’m not sure how much longer I can stay where I am, doing what I do, feeling so helpless. The salary may be great, but I can’t hide it when I’m miserable. I’m so so so lucky to have a job right now with the unemployment rate at double digits, but I still feel so… empty. I don’t think I’m gaining any skills at this job that are transferrable, I’m at a dead end. Any other job with the same title requires me to be more extroverted than I am, and I’ll never be an extrovert. I just don’t know what to do.