My youngest cousin just posted that she was promoted to VP and while I am, of course, happy for her, I can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy mixed with some serious sadness about my own non-existent career at 41. She’s in a different field, but she’s 30 and sprinting ahead towards what I’m sure will be even more success and I’m… I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m not even crawling in my career right now. It’s more like I’m stuck in quicksand.
Do I have a job right now? No. Managed to grow the net worth through 2024 thanks to the markets moving up and up some more, but that isn’t going to be forever. Money is important but at this point I just want to feel proud of what I’ve done and I don’t. I can’t get a job. I can’t get a good job and I can’t even get a not-so-great one. I thought maybe grad school, but then I realized that doesn’t make any sense… why throw money at my problem when I need that money to keep growing, and I’m the problem.
So… what do I do? I ended up having my disability extended for depression, which has been helpful given it softens the bleeding for a bit, but that’s ending in three months. I may be eligible for $1800 a month in unemployment for a while, but that doesn’t exactly pay the bills. Part of me wants to just wait until my daughter is one, and then, it’s basically summer and that same part wants to wait until the end of summer to get a job… the other part of me is freaking out thinking I should get something NOW.
Weird convo today with my now-aware-of-things 6 year old in the car, where I mentioned I was getting a new job in 2025, and he asked about the job I already had, which I had to inform him is no longer a job I have without saying “mom got fired.” Why am I not working there? I didn’t agree with what they wanted me to do. Well, that’s part of it. “Mom saved a lot of money in her 20s so you don’t have to worry we will be fine, I just want a new job so we can go on nicer trips and get better presents.” Sort of the truth. Sort of.
Right now I just want a career path. I want a promotion. I’ve never really had a promotion. I want to do a good job and go from IC to manager to director to VP. I’ve been “director” level for 15 years in most roles and only once had direct reports. I don’t know if I care about having a team, but I do just want to be good at what I do. Good enough that someone says “promote that woman.” Now, I know that person saying “promote that woman” will be 10+ years younger than I am and the longer it takes, the worse that will get. Not that I think younger people are not worthy of being my manager and my manager’s manager and so on… I just feel… old… and like such a massive failure.
I have been applying to jobs here and there. I’ve been through a few interview rounds, even make it to the final rounds with two companies. One, well, the hiring manager was fired about a week after I didn’t get the job. The other was weird and I’m glad I didn’t get it, I would have failed there. They were all over the place, basically asking me when I could start then… ghosting me. The hiring manager there didn’t think I’d be able to handle startup life as a mom with a young baby which… was not cool for him to say… but also, given I know what startup life is… is probably true.
Bullets dodged?
I’ve never aspired to… do anything in my career, really. It just happened. I just kept doing things. Whatever I was asked to do. Sometimes logical things. Sometimes things that made me roll my eyes or question the meaning of life. But things happened. When I had the energy. When I wasn’t 41 years old with 3 young kids, two of whom are on the spectrum, and all of whom need my attention 24/7.
I’ve felt better the last month or so because I decided to stop thinking about work entirely. Outside of a small side project I have that gives me a little needed reminder that I’m capable of working, even in small amounts. Maybe I can get a job. But what kind of job? Will it be a dead-end, will-never-ever-ever-get-promoted job? Does that even matter?
VP. I’ll never be a VP. I don’t care. I guess. I just want to do something… good… for once. I’m scared and sad and what’s new, but hey, my net worth is $3.6M, so that’s something.