Like many people out there, I turned 40 and wondered — what am I doing with my life? For better or worse the tech job market has imploded. That, paired with my depression-fueled repeat firings and inability to do a job that requires a certain part of my brain to function, has led me to deciding that I need a major change. Given I can’t get a job and I’m moderately to majorly unemployable, this is not even an option.
So I wondered — should I become a software engineer at 40?
What’s funny is that everyone has recommended I talk to people in various roles I’m interested in to decide if they are good options for me. I’ve considered everything from UX to chief of staff to jobs outside of tech altogether. But it happens I know a lot of software engineers. Not only do I KNOW engineers — they are always my favorite people in the companies I work for.,. because they are often brilliant, socially awkward, and way more fun to talk to than anyone else on my (the business) side of the office.
But am I smart enough to be a software engineer?
My developer friends think so. Maybe they are just being nice… or thinking I have enough of a brain to manage an entry-level programming role. I have no support from my husband who only wants me to have a career that enables me to support the family. He has no idea what I should do but isn’t opposed to this. I don’t blame him that he doesn’t gung ho support me in anything. After all, he has dealt with my recurrent job losses and mental health cluster of a life. It’s no fun being married to me.
I want to prove to him… and to me… that I can do this. I want a job where I wake up in the morning and get to work. Where I don’t feel like I’m going to fail before I even start. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up and not dread going to work. Not know that I could only fake it for so long until I imploded.
Last Feb, my boss, who hired me 4 months earlier, who happened to be CEO of the startup, slacked me and told me to cancel my flight to a conference I had scheduled the next day. I shouldn’t have responded to him on a Sunday but I did. He said to join him on a call first thing Monday morning. I knew what that meant. He was firing exec team members left and right and I knew I failed to live up to his expectations. Maybe I could have done a better job if I didn’t let my anxiety get to me… but at the end of the day the role… was wrong for me. My whole career is.
Will becoming a software engineer at 40 help? Can I actually do this?
It all feels impossible right now. I don’t feel intelligent enough. I struggle with ADHD and anxiety and depression and am using most of my energy to keep 3 kids alive. How can I become a software engineer? It seems more like a joke to me than a possibility. But maybe it could be real. After all, I’m the girl who in high school was hacking together geocities sites for fun. Sure, it was just HTML (and a lot of scary bad frame design), but it was… me. Something. Something I could have pursued more. But I didn’t. Because as of first or second grade, despite testing as “gifted,” I accepted I was dumb. My father told me I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I didn’t. I stopped because it was too hard for me to focus. I gave up. I was seven years old, and I gave up.
Now I’m 40. I’m tired of giving up. I don’t have much life left. I want to show my kids they can do anything if they put their mind to it. I want to work for a company and cause that is meaningful. Maybe coding would be where I fit, I don’t know. But I’m so so so tired of not firing, tired of the constant suicidal ideation, the inner monologue that tells me I’m a failure and can’t do anything right. I’m just tired. I need a do over. Maybe this is it. Not for anyone else. For me.
Should you become a software engineer at 40 is a question only you can answer, but that was the decision I made and I’ve been very happy with it. I was 41 when I left my accounting career and enrolled in a bootcamp to become a web developer. Six months later I started my first SE job. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Being an engineer can be a fun and rewarding career, but it’s not without its frustrations. I once spent an hour hour day where I wrote six characters of code – not lines, characters. That was my most frustrating day. I’ve worked 12 hour days, but that was mostly because I was on a roll and didn’t want to put the code down. I’ve been unemployed for at least six months twice. And there’s where you really need to start thinking about taking this up as a career. The market for mid/senior developers is tough right now. The market for juniors is brutal. Make no mistake, no matter what kind of game you can talk, any or all of your degrees, your years of experience… you will be entering the field as a junior engineer, and it will be tough to get a foot in the door. You’ll also need to consider what you want to do as a SWE. AI is hot right now, and that takes a different skillset and mindset from creating apps. And how are you going to learn it? Self-taught? Boot camp? Xth bachelors/masters degree? Those will have an impact on when you can start working and your baseline level of knowledge and competence. Whichever path you take, you should learn about the advantages and disadvantages.
You can do it, but make sure you go in with your eyes open. 150k per year might be possible, but depending on the entry-level salaries in your area it might take a few years to get there. Or maybe you live in a place where juniors start out that high. I’ve been doing it 10 years in a tech city and I haven’t leveled up to 150k.
Thanks for your comment. It is very scary to think about what this all looks like. I don’t want to throw myself into a field where I will remain unemployed. What do you need to do to hit 150k? I thought mise SWE make that much.
Same, I’m 10 years in as a software engineer near a major city and haven’t broken 150k. I’m not in SF, NYC, or LA, but along the lines of Boston, San Diego, DC, Chicago. I too went to a bootcamp. Though I know a CS grad who is making over 200k in my area. I don’t think a bootcamp can replace a CS undergrad degree. Maybe if I worked harder to study all the CS fundamentals, I’d be at 150k now. But I have more of a FIRE/coastFIRE mentality so I didn’t feel like it.
Would you be open to sharing a bit about what your career is like? I just don’t understand if it would be a good fit for me. I worry that I won’t be able to get good enough at it to actually get hired or keep a job.
Sure! What do you want to know?
I would describe programming / web development like solving mini brain teasers. So it can be fun and it can be frustrating at times. But every day is different so it’s always interesting.
In my (completely biased) opinion, Ruby is the easiest language to start with, so you could try some tutorials and see if you enjoy it.
Interesting. I’ve done a little super basic Python stuff. My one concern is that I tend to give up easily because I have both anxiety and ADHD and when I encounter a problem I’ve always found it’s hard to worth through it. But TBH this is an issue in every job I’ve held, so I don’t know if coding would be different. It may actually be better as there is an actual solution vs some of my jobs where the solution is more vague and subjective. I think my biggest challenge with development is the idea of coding someone else’s ideas. It seems like good to learn and do for a while, but ultimately I’d like to be on the PM side and actually be driving the product, or maybe the UX side to design it.
I can’t reply to your latest comment, but regarding coding someone else’s ideas, I see your point. However, I think developers have a lot of leeway in shaping the product. Many times, developers tell PMs and designers that they can’t or won’t do something due to time constraints or complexity. The PM role seems interesting, but more stressful. When developers miss deadlines, PMs seem to get the blame.
This makes sense! I’m still scared to make a change… if all my potential jobs fall through I will though.
I can’t tell you what you need to do to hit 150k because I haven’t done it yet. I live in Seattle. It’s high tech and HCOL, but not to the extent that SF is. However, a lot of job listings show pay ranges based on different city groups, and Seattle and SF are always in the same group. SWEs come in a lot of flavors. If I were you, I’d find some software engineers and ask them how much they make, how long it took them to get there, and what the main things you need to know are (languages and general tech stack will be key). I imagine that if you can get in at a FAANG you might be able to get 150k within a few years. I looked at a couple of listings at Amazon, and they start Senior Developers at 151k. It takes 5-15 years to reach Senior (per google).
Usually the $ doesn’t include RSU so if I could do a public co it would be higher than base listed I think. But I should check.
I agree with LeisureSuitLarry – I think you can do it, but perhaps taking a bootcamp is the way to start. That way you’ll really know if you are cut out for it and enjoy coding. It’s obviously not for everyone but given your interest level in high school and your personality where you can cram for hours on end and crank things out, you could be incredibly productive in short bursts that allows time for life with your family. I think that if you can get a first SWE job as a junior where you’re competing with fresh grads, you’ll easily be above $100k as a starting salary. $150k might only be 1-2 years out in the Bay Area (or possibly a starting salary if you can get a job with FAANG or similar).
Go for it! You’ve always seemed like the software engineer type from the way you write, as someone who is a software engineer and switched into that role after a bootcamp. It’s a great career for someone who lacks focus or is easily distracted (I am both as well), because each task is so small and quick. Other people around and above me are keeping track of the big picture for all of my projects, but not me. I just work on one small thing at a time and avoid worrying about the rest. The job market is getting more competitive for bootcamp grads though, so be mindful of that if you plan on shelling out a lot of money on a bootcamp.
Do I? I’m not sure what that type is. I think the fact I was overwhelmed by the bug on my blog for a year that I didn’t fix it (I just needed to email support at my host, turns out) is a bad sign. 🙂 I’m concerned about the job market for developers also. There is a computer science masters for people from other fields I’m looking at. I have a fantasy that I can suddenly focus and learn and be good at programming, but then I remember who I am, so. Not sure what else to do, though.
Yeah, I think you’re the type of person who’s always looking for problems to solve. The job market is indeed a concern. The one issue with a CS master’s degree is that getting the degree might be a lot harder than doing an entry level job.
I am the type of person who creates problems. 🙂
I posted for years that you needed to switch fields, but you generally kept going after the same jobs because of the money. I think it’s great that you’re finally realizing you need a change. I personally think you have enough of a cushion that you could make the switch and not have money as your top consideration. Unless the economy tanks, the nest egg you have should continue to go up in value, and while it’s never a good thing to have to draw from your investments, I get the feeling you’d be able to draw off the gains only, and still have some leftover. So long story short, go for it.
Also, what happened with your father-in-law? Before you stopped posting, he had contributed toward the house purchase, was living with you, but I think there were some issues. I haven’t seen any updates since your blog came back to life, so I thought I’d ask.
FIL didn’t contribute to the house purchase, but he did pay us while he lived with us since he didn’t have to pay for his prior rent at his apartment. My FIL now lives with my MIL and in short he’s still paying us for now (because she doesn’t need the $ and she wants my husband to have that $, so he pays him instead), which helps a lot — but given he’s 80 years old it can end at any time (and if he has to go on medicaid we have to pay back the last 2 years, I think).
I do think it’s a good time to switch jobs, I just don’t know what to do. My mental health is shit and I can’t focus on anything. I known it will get a bit better when my baby is a year or two. Right now I’m worried about taking on any sort of education as my mind is mush. But if I wait even longer I’ll only get older and lose time in my career to make that education valuable. I’m really not sure what to do. I do think financially we are in pretty good shape considering the cluster that I am. I’m so glad that’s the case.
Also, I hope your husband sees you as more than an instrument to deliver babies and make money. You need to make sure first and foremost that you are valued and loved for who you are as a person and a partner. Your top concern with this decision needs to be your personal well being and mental health. If he’s putting money above those things, this could be a serious issue that will be a growing problem if you can’t get on the same page.
He isn’t. He just doesn’t grasp the cost of living and thinks I just spend too much. He also assumes I can get jobs so he isn’t that worried. And he figures if we need to we will sell and move. I’m working on aligning with him on overall goals and plan. He is open to getting full time job in 4-5 years. I’m also trying to help him figure out what to do. I’m worried how he will do handling a full time job — he struggles a lot with something part time. But he’s open to it.