Stuck. Glued to 37 and a half years ago when it was ok that I didn’t know anything as that was a given. But now? What worth do I have? Oh, somehow I’ve tricked many into thinking I have value to add. Until they figure out I don’t. Then. I’m out. Out onto the street. Well, it’s not that bad. Out onto unemployment. Unsure what’s next. Trying to convince myself I’m worth hiring so I can convince someone else of the very same thing. And repeat.
I really don’t know what I’m good at. Going back to work in a month now from maternity leave I’m just incredibly beaten down. I’m walking back into a toxic situation 75% or so of my own making. I don’t think there is any actual recovery at this point. Only trying to just get work done and make it to my next performance review. I’ll try hard to do a good job but that never really works anyway. I’m just not good at this whatever this is. I don’t know how other people do it. Maybe some of them have degrees in their respective fields but even then so much is learned on the job. They figure it out. Why can’t I?
I’ve accepted this field is not the right field for me. At all. But still, it is quite lucrative. It has been. I get recruiter calls for similar roles. It wouldn’t be easy to get hired elsewhere, but someone will take a look at my work history and think I’m a good hire. And I’ll try my best as I always do. Until I’m tired and burnt out. Which happens too soon. Beating myself down. Then they’ll notice. And then they’ll realize that I wasn’t that shining star of a hire they thought I was. And repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat.
I can’t take it anymore. I’m depressed. Why can’t I just have a job that feels more natural? Where I feel like I know what I’m doing. Sure, every job has struggles. But where do I really fit?
My concern, suspicion, fear, is that I don’t fit anywhere. Change my career, ok, maybe I should, but where can I go? I have ideas. A few. Starting over. Ok. Would anyone hire me? And then what?
How do I pay the mortgage?
How do I do a good job?
Do I end up back in the same spot, in another career?
What if I’m still miserable and I took a giant pay cut and am back here with less in my bank account?
I’m scared going back. I guess I ought to not be as the worst that happens is I get fired and I know that drill. I go somewhere and cry ,y brains out for a day then pull myself together. But I didn’t have 2 kids and a mortgage then. Or then. Or any of the times it has happened. What now?
Is it better to quit while I’m ahead? While I’m still employed? Can I make it until the end of this year with my new role and fractured ego and then figure out what”s next?
If all I want is a job I’m good at where my boss is pleased with my work then does it matter how much I make? Maybe I need to make a lot less. Like a lot lot less. But the mortgage,