I decided I don’t want to die. That is, I don’t want to suffer some horrible too-soon death caused by some sort of self-inflicted attempt to put an end to awareness. I have not interest in dying if I can avoid it. However, I very much would like to disappear—and not literally either.
I’m just so tired of my mind. I’m tired of caring about things or wishing things were a certain way and always being disappointed. I’m tired of wanting anything. It gets me no where. My husband is constantly upset at me because I’m selfish and complain too much. It doesn’t actually get me anything other than a pissed off husband. So i decided in 2021, I want to kill myself—with no death involved. Hear me out.
This will be a positive in my personal and professional life. The second I stop allowing my ego to control my emotions and put 100% of my attention on making other’s happy (or at least not not happy) then people will like me more. If I have no specific goals or wants outside of supporting my family and colleagues, then I won’t be disappointed.
I am not a good person or a mentally healthy one. But I don’t have to be a bad person. I can control my emotions by accepting I do not exist for my own satisfaction. I do not need to feel like I “fit in” anywhere because I never will. It’s impossible. Yes, I’m lonely alone and lonelier around everyone else. I don’t know what to say or do or how to act around others. If I drink (when not pregnant) it gets ugly even though at the time I feel like I’m actually engaging with others successfully until I sober up and realize whatever I said was the opposite of a social success.
This is not a self pity woe is me post. This is acceptance. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to take myself out of the equation. So what if I’m not thrilled with the house we bought. It’s our house now so I should accept that and not dwell on its imperfections. I think gratitude is important as well, but you don’t even need to be grateful if you remove your ego from your life. Or, you don’t allow anyone else to see it. You fade into your skin and smile and nod and try to be that person who everyone just likes for no particular reason. You are so reliable and punctual and just have such a good, stable attitude. You aren’t funny or anything special, but you are consistent. You can keep your house clean and stick to a routine and eat healthy and exercise every day. You don’t lose your job every 1-4 years. You take credit for nothing because you exist to keep things moving forward without any recognition or reward. That is, the reward is never being disappointed because you never want anything at all. And you simplify everything so you don’t lose things or break things that have any significance. As long as your family is healthy then that is all that matters. That is the best way to be.
So as I look ahead to 2021, I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye from the person I was and hello from the person I desperately need to become. I think it’s possible. And necessary. Because I have no ability to be happy without being special somehow, which isn’t healthy. Instead, I need to accept that being like everyone else is victory. It will lead to a much better life.