I don’t know anymore.

This morning, like many mornings, I woke up excited about my job. I had finished a small project with high visibility, hit a pretty unrealistic deadline, and the quality of the output was actually strong. By noon, I was a mess of tears, after getting scolded for sharing the project too early, not communicating properly, and failing on many levels. The thousandth time I broke down in tears this week.

I can’t win. I really can’t. I know communication and project management is not my forte. But I feel like no matter how hard I try I ALWAYS mess up. No one cares about the quality of my work. As my coworker friend told me—I put out products that are consistently great. I care about the quality of work I put out. But our company doesn’t value that. They are about perception and quantity and speed. And the people who can look like they are on top of things get ahead. No one cares about the actual work quality. Although they seem to get caught up in random details and hack apart your work until your confidence is entirely gone.

It’s really not a good situation right now. But I have 12-15 more months in pure survival mode and then I can focus on a significant transition. These last few weeks of emotional roller coaster before I am out for a few months. Coming back and not over committing and hoping they forget I exist long enough.  Then what? I don’t know. I’m unsure I can get through next year. I just want to feel like my work is appreciated. I know I’ll never be seen as a valuable employee. To the head of the department, he will always see me as the small company employee who has no pedigree. My value is no longer valued. We can attract better talent now. Every time I do something half decent I’m told why it is definitely more than half horrible.

I just don’t know what I am good at. I am tired of jobs where I’m hired to do too many different things. I burn out too fast. But if I do just one thing, what is that one thing? Why am I not allowed to hire a team — and instead am left to fail on my own? Why is it the guy who is stepping into my former role was handed a strong agency to support him, and told he would get a headcount? I get why people trust him (he comes across as super confident) but how can I succeed when I’m put into another role where I’m not given resources or support to succeed. Or maybe that is the point. Maybe they want me to fail. Or don’t care. They don’t have time to deal with me either way. Meanwhile they are asking my coworker what they can do to make him want to stay. They treat him like royalty and me like horse manure. Yes he has done some great work, but is mine that bad compared to what he has put out? He just sounds better when he talks. I sound like 2 seconds after a train wreck.

Someone commented on my blog that I should leave Silicon Valley. Yes, I should. I feel stuck. I don’t want to leave and I have been fighting it as this place has been my home now for 15+ years. And my husband grew up here. But I no longer feel like I want to stay here. I no longer feel like it’s worth this insanity. I want to spend time with my kids. Have a nice house for, I don’t know, $600k, with enough money to travel and enjoy life. Our networth is basically $2M right now and all I can do is think about how I’m going to be the scapegoat employee for the rest of my life just to pay the mortgage. Why?

I started talking to my husband about moving in a few years. He doesn’t want to, but also the idea of early retirement is appealing to him. And early retirement, esp in another year or two, is very possible for us. I think with $3M (including home value after sale) we could buy a $600k house somewhere else, work flexible jobs, travel, enjoy life, do what matters. He is intrigued. I worry about moving somewhere new with kids. I know people do it, but it will be hard for us. I don’t have many friends but I have a few here. I worry about starting over.

I don’t know what it will take to convince my husband we need to leave. I don’t seem to have much of a say in it—despite being the breadwinner. I don’t know where I want to move anyway. And we just bought a house! — but I’m really over it all. Covid is yet another reminder how short life is. I never thought I’d be looking at a family networth of $2M but here we are. It feels hollow—nothing to celebrate. It is incredible and I’m grateful—but who cares?

I want more than whatever this is. I’m tired and stuck. In a year, I need to find something better here, or GTFO.

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2 thoughts on “I don’t know anymore.”

  1. You definitely need to move. You clearly hate your job/field and the thought of being stuck in it for 30 years just to pay your mortgage sounds miserable. It can all change if you move somewhere with a lower cost of living. $2M and you could retire immediately in the mid west. On the East Coast, it buys you the freedom to work part time jobs or only have one of you work to cover your expenses/health care i.e. CoastFI. You’ve literally won the game if you move. Why you wouldn’t is beyond me. And making friends with kids is so easy. They will make friends for you in daycare and you’ll find parents that you resonate with and voila, you have new friends. Who will introduce you to more friends. Aside from your husband’s parents, there is no reason to stay – it sounds like it is really unhealthy for you. So the costs seem to be outweighing that benefit.

    1. I think long term we might move. Right now I’m looking at the potential to earn up to $1M pre tax next year. That’s enough reason to stay, for now. I’d like to get to $3M in Silicon Valley before leaving. I think it’s doable in 1-3 years. Before my oldest starts Kindergarten we can seriously consider moving. I’m not sure where though. I’ve lived a lot of places and am happiest here. And I know I sound miserable but when I was living in midwest and east coast I was extra miserable. So it’s worth it to stay — for now. But I’m definitely leaning towards GTFO once I hit my first FIRE goal.

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