I Want My Life to Stop Being About Surviving the Next Week

I know work isn’t supposed to be easy or fun. It’s called “work” for good reason. But I also don’t think it’s supposed to be this hard. It’s not even hard. It’s just my job and my abilities do not compute. I can’t get a team aligned around something—esp when I don’t even believe in it. So instead I’m failing because I can’t drive alignment as a leader nor do good work as an individual contributor.

The mortgage debt does freak me out – but despite being high, it’s not horrible. I figure if I use 25% of pre-tax income per month, I can do $3000 a month if I can keep a $150k salary. My husband can do $2000 a month safely on his salary, and my FIL will be contributing $2000 a month for the foreseeable future as he lives in the master bedroom suite. While the setup isn’t perfect, it makes me feel good knowing as long as I can find a job at $150k then I am financially ok.

Now my goal is to far exceeded $150k so I can continue to invest and grow my family’s networth. I prefer not to be house poor—especially if I am in a career that gives me at least one heart attack a day. I am in this career for the money. It’s not a passion project. I am doing this so by the time I’m 50 (45 if I’m lucky) I can maybe slow down a bit. Or speed up, but on the things that matter to me. 50 is 13 years away. That’s crazy. That’s life. It’s fast. I started this blog in 2007. That’s 13 years ago. So little time. But in the next 13 years I’ll have 2 teenagers (and maybe a pre teen, we’ll see) and I’ll either be in a really good place financially — or perhaps in a mental institution.

I just have to get through and stay strong until 2021. I can do this.  It’s basically 3 months of playing the game as best as I can (mostly just meeting deadlines at this point — I’m not putting out anything revolutionary) — then coming back early next summer (exhausted as I’ll be with a toddler and newborn) and more game playing in my new role for 6 months. Then I see how things are going and likely start applying to other opportunities. That 6 months will likely be painful, but it will be worth it. Getting the rest of my stock is definitely worth it. Next year is really a life changer in terms of my savings. It shouldn’t be impossible. I’m fortunate to be out on maternity leave for some of it. The timing worked out. I really wanted to stay even longer but it’s pretty obvious I am not safe here and after 4.5 years on the job I am safe to go to a new role.

But what is the new role? I want a job where I can feel really good about my work. Where I have a boss who is supportive and helps me get better in my field. I don’t expect hand holding, but I want to work for someone who at least understands what I do and can provide some guidance.

This time — for the first time in my career — I think I am in the position to shop around a bit. Not to say I’ll find a job easily, but now I have a decent brand name on my resume. I think in the least I’ll get more calls when I apply—esp if the job market is in a better place in 2022.

Right now I HAVE to keep my head down, play the game, smile, be friendly and likable, get shit done, be forgettable except in terms of just always following through on everything I say I will follow through on — even if that means pulling all nighters here and there. I am 80 days away from a major milestone and barring any unexpected layoffs I’m going to get there. I need some time to figure out my future as well — I don’t want to settle for a $150k job just because I am afraid. I don’t want to end up working for a boss who will make my life miserable because I can’t live up to their expectations. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do. One thing is for sure – it’s not this .

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One thought on “I Want My Life to Stop Being About Surviving the Next Week”

  1. I sympathize completely. I too live a life that looks perfect on paper, but behind closed doors, things are falling apart left and right. I too never thought I could be so stressed with so much financial stability. I also bought a house this year and juggled a bunch of work issues. Can’t wait until 2020 is over.

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