Nothing Works Out Like You’ve Planned

The word of the day is “resilience” – meaning dealing with the shit life throws your way, because no matter your best efforts the, ahem, shit will be thrown. Being able to handle whatever the day has in store is the most important skill there is in surviving adulthood. Even the smartest, most talented people have setbacks. It’s up to us to remember that it’s those setbacks that make us stronger over the long term.

Relatedly, there are a number of reasons why I’m struggling significantly with my job right now. At the end of the day I manage to get hired for positions I’m not qualified for — largely because the people who are qualified for them are already in other jobs that come with a dose of sanity or at least a level of respect. In hindsight, I’m not qualified for much of anything, but I keep managing to convince people otherwise — or at least that I’m a good fit to clog up the hole for a while until budgets expand and I can be replaced.

It’s frustrating and not sustainable. Money isn’t everything. So what if I won’t make it to $2M or even $1M? I’ll figure it out. While I’m not the type that likes to work all the time around the clock I’m still the type that likes to work. I can’t see ever retiring without finding opportunities to earn a little income on the side. And if I do have kids, my bf and I will just figure it out. It isn’t worth killing myself over to get there.

I’m still upset about the whole situation — because there are parts of my job and the people I work with that I really like. I still go back to envisioning all that someone in my role can do for the company in a short amount of time, if I were actually good at my job. I see the pieces of what needs to be done but I don’t know how to get there. And, quite frankly, I’m a terrible manager and leader. This isn’t a pity party — leaders are organized and good project managers. I’m definitely creative and collaborative but I’m not the type who will ever be talented at this thing they call management. And you know what? I’m ok with that. I mean, it still makes me queasy to think I’ve come this far and it’s the furthest I can go – but it’s good to accept the situation for what it is.

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