This isn’t the first time I’ve been called into a conference room with my boss only to be handed my exit papers. I wish it was. But this seems to be a trend. I’m not surprised. I’m not heartbroken. But I am ashamed and lost. I am relieved and little afraid and mostly disappointed in myself. Yet I knew this would happen all along. I knew that this wasn’t the right position for me.
The problem — the big $1M question — is: what is the right job for me?
Perhaps I’m not as intelligent as I sometimes pass for, even amongst intellectuals. Or maybe I’m just lazy. Or my bipolar (II) depression is the cause for periods of massive productivity followed by seasons of inability to do just about anything. Irregardless this habit of mine isn’t funny nor is it fun. In my 20s it was ok to fuck up a few times but I’m past the age for fuck ups. I wanted this to work out.
My last job was a fairly successful role for me. I found myself thriving in an environment where people gave a lot of feedback on my ideas and guided me to the right decisions. But I never was a strong leader. I could execute on projects and I’d still get stuck in the details but I worked hard when I felt there was a chance to win. The odds weren’t massively stacked against me. But it wasn’t super easy either. Without a challenge I grow bored.
That said, I feel like I’ve been spending my career doing whatever job I can get, versus really doing something that I would be proud of years from now. I don’t know what that is – or if I’d actually ever be happy and successful doing anything that involves responsibility – but there has to be something out there that I can at least maintain a level of competence at. Hasn’t there?
Getting laid off… fired… really sucked. I knew it was coming. I saw a note on a calendar about an interview with someone who clearly was set to replace me. I noticed a few other moving parts that aren’t lining up correctly if not for today being my very last day at this job. I made it a whopping 5 months. Impressive, I know.
If it wouldn’t for the glowing recommendations I received from some professionals I greatly respect, I wouldn’t feel so bad right now. But the worst is feeling like I let people down who put in a good word for me. I can’t exactly ask them for a recommendation again after I failed. And the worst part is that walking into this I knew I was going to botch it all. I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t prepared. I got fixated on the details and didn’t work fast enough to make progress. I was distracted. I was depressed. It was right for them to let me go. I applaud their wise business sense. I kick myself for not going out with a fight. I knew I was never going to get gold, but I wanted a chance at the bronze. Instead, I wasn’t even in the running to medal.
I don’t want to get depressed this time around. I mean… more depressed. I just got back from vacation though I wish I could just go somewhere to figure shit out for a while. I can’t because my rent is damn expensive and I really need to find another job. My company was extremely gracious to provide me with pay until the end of the month and health insurance as well. The month will go fast and I’ll be on unemployment soon. I won’t go broke (at least not for a while) but it certainly isn’t ideal to have to spend $1300 of your $1800 monthly unemployment check on rent. With health insurance, car insurance and my phone bill I won’t exactly have anything left for food and that’s pre-tax. My boyfriend won’t let me starve and I’m fine eating chicken and rice to save money et al, but it’s going to be tight to not have to dip too much into savings.
And I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding this year which is quite expensive as it is al the way across the country requiring 3 RT flights, the dress, alterations, hair and makeup, gifts, et al. I’m contemplating applying to jobs on the east coast and living w/ my parents for a while… it won’t save anything on rent since I have a lease but it would save on those pricey flights. Though I don’t want to tell them I got laid off, so I don’t think that will work. Sigh.
I hate how when I need a therapist most I feel like it’s a bad idea to spend any money on my mental health… or anything else.
Oh no! Sorry to hear, this is why you have savings though, to handle emergencies. You just weren’t the right fit I’m sure, you previous company loved you, next job will be the same.
Sorry to hear about the sad news. Hope you can get back on your feet again soon. Make the best of your situation. Take some time to relax and enjoy the wedding 🙂 Don’t judge or think about the past too much because internalizing emotions may hold you back from finding a new job that you’re probably going to enjoy more and will pay you more money 😀
Maybe this is a good time to back out of the bridesmaid commitment… you definitely can’t afford it now. And you don’t sound like you were that fired up about it, in the first place.
Give yourself a few days, now you’ve written this post, to rest. Sounds like you need it. Then you can start to think and plan.
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