After bawling my eyes out at my weekly therapist’s appointment due to just way too many first-world stressors going on in my life, we discussed what was really bothering me most — my inability to prioritize tasks. People with ADHD are known for being creative yet unable to accomplish seemingly simple projects because they just can’t break down larger projects into smaller tasks and then prioritize these tasks.
So my therapist asked me to picture all of my projects at hand as different airplanes flying into an airport, and for me to be the flight deck controller determining which one needs to land first. She asked — which can you help land while you let the others circle until you are ready for them? That was a terribly hard question to answer. I couldn’t just pick one and ignore the others. My mind had to actually start going through every single step and potential issue that might occur for each “plane” and seemed more satisfied running through the problems than settling on the project that needed to actually be done first.
This is what I deal with on a daily, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute basis. It is life with ADHD. And anxiety. It is not something I have time for in a small company where every second is a vital moment of productivity where I need to be contributing. But I’m freezing more now than I did at my last company. I think it’s because now there are these expectations of me — when I started at my last company I was underpaid for my role and what I ended up delivering but not for my experience. But now it’s an entirely different story. I really need to step up and prioritize projects. I need to figure out how to solve complex problems and organize projects from start to completion to reach semi-clear objectives. And I don’t have an instant to waste.
My therapist also reminded me that it’s only a few days into my new job and I really should not be so hard on myself. But I am so far behind already. I need to make sure to tomorrow is productive. And I’m going to try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if I can get back on Adderall to help me focus.
The reason depression and suicidal ideation is common in people with ADHD, at least personally speaking, is because death seems to be this one clear final prioritization. Yes it probably involves some sort of task selection to lead up to end of life, but then all of the chaos inside your mind is just over. I often wonder why society looks down so much on this — not that I would ever do it — but in the end we all die anyway and life is, afterall, pointless, so as long as we do it before we have any dependents why does it matter? Perhaps some of us aren’t really designed to function in normal society. Life does require the ability to maintain a regular job to some extent whereas death does not require this.
Just a thought. I am tired of my mind spinning. I am tired of the inability to develop numerous meaningful professional relationships with others. I am tired of my mind, how it works, how selfish I am, how fortunate and incompetent at the same time. I want to figure out some way to fake everyone out and to succeed at least for two years, maybe live really cheaply, save up some more money, then who knows, maybe I don’t have to have kids, maybe I can run away, maybe I can run away where no one can find me, maybe I can live off $300,000 somehow or work random jobs on the side to barely break even each year and stop wanting to be something I’m not. All of this life is set up so I can have stuff, and I don’t even want stuff anymore. I don’t even have time to enjoy it anyway. And I have plenty of time compared to most people.
I really need to figure out how to fake this well for at least two years. Come on. Just two years. Or I start looking for other options.