What Is It You Want?

Life is a series of decisions. Some you make for yourself, others that are made for you. For most decisions, there’s no “right” or “wrong,” just more like “left” or “right.” It’s challenging to embrace this notion when the entire education system we are raised with is tied to teaching that there is a correct answer. Life certainly isn’t a multiple choice test, and you don’t fare any better by just giving up and guessing C all day long.

As we age, decisions often become more “status quo” versus “something else.” And “something else” requires leaving the comfort zone we know so well. This applies to our jobs, our relationships, our homes, just about everything we take for granted as it-is-what-it-is. These stable elements in our lives are good, practical, beneficial, for the most part. They enable us to move pieces around here and there without the entire statue crumbling. You’ve got your foundation. You can shake things up a bit without the world falling apart. And, if you have kids, well, your life becomes their foundation. Less opportunity to move pieces around. More responsibility. Forcing yourself to stay in one place for a while / forever forces one to grow within these boundaries. There is beauty in cement.

I’m not there yet. So things can still change. Of course, the job is one area which is more flexible now and later, but especially now. I had, what I thought was a good interview for a position, yet I didn’t make it past the phoner. Which is fine, but it was a reminder that I’m unqualified for most positions, even if I wait in my role another year or two, and no matter how well I fulfill my role today, I’m sprinting towards a dead end. I don’t care that much today, but it is worrisome to think that in 2-3 years, if I have children, I’ll need to be the foundation. What if I’m out of a job with no one who will hire me? Maybe that’s a silly concern, but it might not be. After all, I’ve sent out quite a few resumes lately, just to see if I’d get any bites, and the only two potentials were one where I emailed virtually everyone in the firm’s marketing organization, and the other was via a recruiter who reached out to me (I still haven’t spoken with the company yet.) So, blah, blah, blah woe is me, realistically, there’s some truth to it.

Meanwhile, I’m always so terrified of cementing anything in life. I need to get over that. Give me a solid structure or a building built on wobbly stilts and I’ll pick the one on the stilts with the view. I don’t really like certainty. But I also can’t deal with uncertainty. I’m a walking contradiction to the nth degree. Thank goodness for therapy. Even if it does cost me, gasp, $500 a month. Dear lord, that’s nearly as much as my rent. It’s important to have an unbiased opinion on things, like my job quandary, et al. To review all of the impulses to crack the cement in various aspects of my life as it hardens, before I actually do.


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One thought on “What Is It You Want?”

  1. That’s why you save a lot now so that when you have kids, you don’t have to worry, you can spend less, spend time with them as much as you can, and then get back to work as soon as you can.

    If you are out of work for more than 3 years, even 5 maximum, it’ll be hard to get back in, nigh impossible.

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