Somehow or other I’ve made it — almost — to my 29th year on this earth. I can’t believe next month I’ll be one year away from 30. Being 30 doesn’t scare me that much, but the idea of the next ten years flying by as quickly, if not more quickly, than my 20s is what terrifies me. That means soon I’ll be 40. And I’m not even scared of 40. But I am scared of 40 being when I’m supposed to already have kids that are approaching prepubescence and what needs to happen before that.

Dealing with mental illness, everyday is a struggle. I live my life knowing that I could drop into a deep depression and not be functional, and I could lose my job. I plan to not work for months of my life, but I still have great anxiety over how much money I have and don’t have. Even though I have $201k in the bank right now that just doesn’t feel like enough. Every month I survive my job feels like a game where I need to celebrate that I’ve survived. I can’t even plan for a year ahead, it’s all based on months or at the most the quarter. Somehow I hit my $200k goal for this year (somehow being the stock market recovering) but I can’t imagine getting to $250k next year, as I’m trying to have $300k in my bank account when I’m 30 and before I get married.

It is frustrating that my boyfriend gets so upset at me when I “nag” him about not having a job. Well, he just quit his part time job to take some time to figure things out, and then will apply for a full time job. We’ve made a pact that he needs to either have a job or be enrolled in graduate school by February, and I’m not allowed to say anything until then. When I start to be annoyed by this, I think about a colleague of mine — who is likely making $150k per year — who admitted that he’s still in debt from massive spending and partying after he graduated college. He surely spends quite a pretty penny on rent to live in a nice location as well, so while he’s going to undoubtedly be able to save in his 30s earning a really strong income, he’s not exactly in a better place today than my boyfriend who has lived at home in his 20s and isn’t in debt, but also doesn’t have savings. And my boyfriend will never spend a lot on anything, he’s pretty simple, so we’ll be able to save a lot even if neither of us make $150k per year.

Still… I worry, a lot, about the future, and having enough money to have children. I just can’t imagine having kids before I achieve $500k networth. According to my plan, that happens when I’m 34. But that requires me to save $50k every single year until then and in reality that’s highly unlikely — last year I probably saved about $20k and the other $30k was paper gains on my stock. That won’t happen for five more years. I’m making a little more this year, so I can save a little more, but as I mentioned earlier I take everything one day at a time, and I’ve already accepted that given my bipolarness, I probably won’t be able to hold onto my job past 2013 (it will be a miracle if I make it to 2014.)

So maybe I don’t have kids. I don’t have to have kids. I’m not sold either way right now. I don’t see myself as ever being mentally stable enough to have children. But then I think — man, I’m 29 and I’ve saved more than $200k, and there are many, many people who have kids who are deep in debt. If they can have children, why can’t I? But this just causes so much anxiety as I worry about my life with or without kids… and turning 29, this is a serious decision I need to make soon.

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