Love, Stability, Excitement, Passion, Trust, Safety, Warmth…

There is nothing I love more than waking up in my boyfriend’s arms wrapped tightly around me. This is a major improvement over my last bf who required that I sleep on the two-seater couch because he just couldn’t handle sharing the bed with me. There is so much about my relationship today that makes me incredibly happy, and I can’t imagine my life without my bf. We’re a bit co-dependent… ok, a lot co-dependent… but I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing.

However, as I get a bit older, I find myself around a lot of different types of men. Many who are more successful and established. The success doesn’t really matter to me, but the passion for getting out there and being excited about fully living does. I’m attracted to so many different types of people, but a fundamental element of this attraction is a lust for life. Being as I tend to be a negative person myself, it’s not good when I’m dating a Debbie Downer. We just bring each other down. And being as neither of us are incredibly social people — him by choice, myself by anxiety — we end up just drowning in our depression.

I always feel like I have to remind myself how much it sucks to be alone (because it does) and how much it sucks to have to be single and dating (because it really does) in order to not give into any sort of temptation for change. I can very clearly see what my life with my current bf will be. It won’t be filled with backyard barbecues and beer and good conversation with friends, or doing anything too social. It’s lonely because I have to put all the effort into any social relations outside of the two of us. And he’s just so quiet.

That said, before I put too much blame on him for the quietness, I really don’t have anything to say either. This makes it hard to start new relationships, for friendship or romantic reasons. After the first basic conversation, I get lost. I can talk about serious topics, but small talk is not a strong suit of mine. At least with my bf, we are comfortable sitting in silence over dinner. But that silence grates at me. I wish we could get into conversation about something… but what DO people talk about? We watch TV shows so we can occasionally have a short conversation about that — but we don’t follow sports or most mainstream topics. The news and politics just make us sad, and I get further depressed when he ends up making me sound like a conservative when he preaches his super liberal ideology.

There are a lot of things I find extremely sexy, and one of those is witty banter, sharp conversation, collaboration, creating together, even having a few glasses of wine together, I don’t feel like we have an adult relationship… we don’t because we’re not really adults, despite that he just turned 30 and I’m half way to 29. I don’t know if hanging out and drinking with friends really makes you an adult (or makes you healthy) but there’s something about being able to connect with the larger world through couplehood that my relationship is lacking. I wish I could marry my bf but still see other people for the excitement and connection I crave. Is that so terrible to want? No relationship is perfect. Clearly if I were with someone who had the excitement factor, they may be more likely to leave me for someone else who they find more exciting. I wouldn’t want to spend my life worried about this.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll look back in 10 years and be sad because I’ve lived a life of solitude, even one with amazingly sweet love. I feel like I haven’t really dated enough, even though I hate dating, to know one way or the other. But I can’t bring myself to even contemplating ending this relationship now… because there is so much I would miss. I haven’t had that problem in other relationships I’ve had, but with this one… maybe because all my few other relationships have been under two years and this one has been almost seven… but I’d miss him too much. I’d miss how he loves me. I’d miss the way he looks at me and how his green eyes sparkle with such sweetness. I’d miss his holding me when we watch TV shows and going to sleep and waking up in his arms.

But is that enough? I am working so hard now to establish a solid life for myself, financially, and I want a partner who I can explore the world with, who will expose me to new adventures and experiences. He’ll never be that person. I am not sure I need adventure, and I’m not sure life will allow it. But adventure doesn’t have to mean traveling around the world… it can just mean planning a surprise date, showing me something new, going to be social with friends… instead of just sitting at home, alone, together.

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7 thoughts on “Love, Stability, Excitement, Passion, Trust, Safety, Warmth…”

  1. OMG. How many times do I have to say it?

    It is not enough. It is better to be alone by yourself then to be alone with someone else. For the love of god, leave him.

    PS at age 29, you are an adult. so pull yourself up to the bar and order yourself the man who will be that refreshing drink you need.

  2. HECC,

    I can relate. What I don't understand though is whether you want out of the relationship or not. It sounds like a good relationship – comfortable, loving, but ultimately humdrum and lacking excitement.

    Being socially awkward definitely reduces your chances of success in business, but you said that doesn't really matter to you.

    I am the same. In my 40s, I know I could have gone a lot further if I'd been more socially capable. My wife is also socially inept. I don't really have any regrets – if I had a more socially outgoing partner she would probably be hassling me all the time to do stuff I'm not comfortable doing.

    Like you, I wouldn't mind some adventure. But you know that takes a lot of effort. I'll probably stick to the humdrum.

  3. @one more knight — ultimately I think I like humdrum. It's just seeing how others live their lives makes me a bit jealous. I'm not sure I'd like that life either, but sometimes I feel like there must be something more than just sitting around and cuddling.

  4. I just google turning 28….found your post…and I just have to comment! Yes there is more to life, leave him, you do not sound happy! You sound scared of being alone, but just being the two of you forever will eventually leave you isolated and alone anyway! Also is he still not ready to commit, marriage babies etc? I know thats not all that matters in life but still you have a carreer and goals so dont settle, find someone who will be that exciting part of your life, who will have friends, Back yard Bbq etc!

  5. I have to agree with Erin. Being in a relationship where you have nothing to talk about, where you feel inferior and that your beliefs and motivations are less valid, where you are bored and not treated with any sort of effort–this may be a better relationship than what you've witnessed or experienced, but it doesn't mean that it's a good relationship.

    Look, you may have a borderline personality, you may be motivated by money and security, you may be conservative–but this is you. You get to be you, flawed and wonderful. He's not better than you.
    Kerry recently posted..How About Blackjack?

  6. How insightful. Into my own life. He's 30, I'm 28.

    He's content to just.. well be.

    I'm content a 1/4 of the time.. the other time 3/4 wondering what other social adventures await us out there.

    It seems there are quite a few couples like us out there.

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