The ever unwinding journey to selflessness.

The only time I’m every happy is when I forget myself and give something to others, so why is this so hard to do? My overarching ego gets in the way of satisfaction; I’m no better or worse than everyone else, and there is no reason I have to be.

I don’t want to give out of some subconscious desire to receive in return, whether through admiration, boomerang generosity, or karma. I want to let myself be happy making other people happy. After all, no matter how much I ramble about my selfishness, my freak outs, my quest for millions of dollars, I just want to make people smile a bit and feel not so alone in this world. Then again, is wanting that selfish too?

Today, I took a minor step in the right direction. I receive a quarterly bonus based on my performance and if my team succeeds it just isn’t fair for the entire bonus to go to me. I can’t fairly accept that entire bonus (if it is offered) without splitting that with my team. I’m not doing this to buy back the respect I lost, I know that it’s fair to use this bonus as a way to reward my team, not just myself. It’s still selfish of me not to split the bonus 50/50, but I have reason to believe my team members, who are supposedly my subordinates, make a higher salary than I do, and if the entire bonus is received the amount offered is still substantial enough that it will be noticeably absent from my bank account, and hopefully and more importantly noticeably present as a bonus where it was earned.

To be honest, I’m not even so interested in asking for a raise anymore; I don’t want to think about money when I’m already so fortunate to be where I’m at. Ok, so maybe I’m underpaid — maybe I’m not — I have no idea how to value myself especially in terms of an overall compensation package, and I’m tired of trying to guess. If my company decides I am valuable, at some point I believe I will be fairly rewarded. In the meantime, it’s up to me to prove this.

I’m still managing to save with the money I make now. My room is small, I share a reasonably nice apartment with two other girls my age in a rather nice part of town, I drive an 11-year-old car, I still spend too much on eating out, and it’s pretty easy for me to save $1.5-$2k per month. That’s not the $4k I’d like to be saving per month to reach my theoretical goal, and that doesn’t allow for moving into a 1br apartment with my bf or have enough for the downpayment on a small $600k condo, or even thinking about having a family, but so what? That’s not my life right now. My life right now is pretty awesome for what it is. It doesn’t seem to translate to what I’d like my 30s to be, which is now less than 2 years away, but maybe my 30s won’t be what I expect either. After all, my 20s turned out vastly different than what I envisioned. Things will all work out. Or they won’t. Making $100k or $120k or $150k or $200k is not going to change that. Fixing a lot of the “priceless” elements of my life however will.

And commenter on my last blog post — you’re right, I do need to get over myself. I want to. Trust me, I do.



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