drowning.

The words out of my mouth sound terribly pessimistic, frustrated and panicked. I’m excited about the opportunity that abounds but lost in my train of thought. Drowning.

I am frustrated most of all because I need help. And there are many reasons that I cannot get that help. My eating addiction / PCOS is getting worse, but I don’t have time to do anything about it. I’m up to 170lbs. My mental state is numb at best, exploding at worst. I’d like to see a psychologist on a regular basis but that would be a major drain on my finances and there is no way I can get out of work on a weekly basis to see a therapist. Even if I could, I’ve done therapy before. Talk doesn’t help. Action does. I don’t have time to act.

Complain, complain, complain. Some days it seems the only thing I’m good at doing is complaining. I’m so good at it. My first world problems. My panic. My taking the last few pills of adderall I have because it’s the only way I can focus. But they make me more anxious.

I want to go to the endocrinologist, see how close I am to diabetes, see if that’s one of the reasons I am having trouble focusing, get a better picture on my blood sugar. I don’t have time. I work from 8am until 8pm lately. Which is fine, I enjoy working, I just want more flexibility, freedom.

Then there’s dealing with the DUI, which is a deserved, super expensive pain in the ass, that I also don’t have time for. I didn’t drink a lot before but now with everything about to explode it’s one of those things that you could see drive a person into alcoholism. Complain, complain, complain. Bah. I just don’t understand how people can be so productive and on top of everything and healthy.

I love my job, my job is my life, I want my job to be my life, but I also want a life. Is that possible, to have both? Just to be in a work environment where I can actually go outside for an hour in the middle of the day when the sun is out? I don’t remember the last day I took an actual lunch break. And still I’m so far behind. I’m not the only one in a startup environment who feels this way, clearly we’re all super busy and that’s part of the type of job this is. I want to be able to handle it. I want to be a rockstar. But the more and more there is to do the less I can focus. The fast the day goes by. The more I desperately need a therapist or psychologist to help me, but the last psychiatrist I reached out to who had an office near my work charged $300 an hour and didn’t take insurance. I live in a bubble of rich people and I am not one of them. Everyday new people enter that bubble and maybe one day I’ll get there.

I’m just struggling to find my purpose in life, and given how fast it’s going, I see it all disappearing before my eyes. Didn’t I once want to be an artist? But I didn’t have the talent or tenacity. Didn’t I want to do something special? I no longer want to be special. Didn’t I want to be a mother? Will I ever have the time to do that?

Given all of the trouble I have it’s incredible I am where I am today, but all that could change in an instant. And if it did, what would be my next steps? Would I be able to pick myself up yet again? I’m so scared of what the future holds, and I’m just trying to hold myself together. I need help but there’s no time, and I don’t trust anyone to help me, because no one can, because my problems aren’t really problems at all, because I’m so fortunate for everything I have, and anyone who wants to “help” me is just in it for the money, charging $300 an hour during an hour when I need to be at the office.

 

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2 thoughts on “drowning.”

  1. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I am too. Though I've been eating lower carb, primal-style (real food only, plus more fruit than atkins would allow), and it's helping me with binging IMMENSELY (I've lost 15 lbs so far) and hopefully with my PCOS. I'm so hopeful that I even stopped the pill to see what happens when I leave my cycle alone. Probably not the best idea, but time will tell.

  2. I suspect you don't need a therapist. You need to sort out your eating and brain chemicals. Going Atkins/paleo/ primal/ ancestral eating is likely to be the way to go. Get hold of The Diet Cure by Julia Ross and try it. Much cheaper than a therapist and her approach is healing rather than just managing your condition. You will need to make some changes to what you eat but it is so good not to be a compulsive eater, weight gainer with health issues. Good luck.

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