I love talking to people. I hate conferences. I’m a marketing director. I’m an introvert. It’s the oxymoron of my life. I’m currently traveling for a work event, and went to an evening mixer at this conference, with an open bar. I’ve had three drinks; after two and a half I was able to talk to people, but probably clearly seemed a little tipsy. Without that I hide in a corner. I hate my social anxiety and introversion. I feel like my insecurity, my social anxiety issues, and my lack of any sort of confidence in myself leads me to this downward professional spiral.
Yet who know what people see from the outside. I feel like I’m a huge mess. I feel like, I believe, I don’t deserve success. I try to fight that. I want to believe in myself. But I see myself as a huge joke. I’m not good enough, I think. I’m not smart enough. I’m not ___________ enough.
It’s sickening how lost I am in this business world. I don’t belong here, but I am here, incredibly awkward, trying my best to generate interest for my company, to talk to people, to drive leads, and I don’t know how to relate to people. Small talk? What to talk about? I am only interested in talking business or about the deep psychology of humankind. Not appropriate subjects for business conversation. I wish I could work a room, to come off smart, not slutty or drunk. I don’t know how to relate to people. Maybe it would be easier if I was a man, but I’m not. I’m a 27=year-old woman and now I’m young and soon I’ll be old, and I’ll always be female, and that seems to make everything all the more challenging.