i wrote this entry as a friends-only post in my personal blog, but i felt like sharing it here because it’s relevant to my personal finances and also my tagline “a quarter life crisis and change.”
i just wish life would click into place. i’m starting to accept that i never will. when i was younger, i always believed that one day i’d just get it. i’d fit in, i’d be loved, i’d just know what was going on and i wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
geez, i’m almost 25. almost 20 freaking 5.
i don’t know what i want to do with my life despite the fact that i’m doing a lot with my life.
i used to feel like i needed to do something important. now i just want to get from day to day.
i used to believe passion was everything. now i’m numb more than ever. disconnected.
i feel love and it feels great. but is love enough? i mean, for life, that is. is that all there is to want? or should i chase money? fame? what is it i should want? family?
that’s my problem. i don’t know what to want anymore. sure i want to make money. i want to save money. i like buying things. but i’m not really driven to become rich. i maybe want a family one day but i’m not sure. my ovaries are not exactly my best friends and they’re going to fight me if i ever want to have kids. could i even deal with having kids? i’m too selfish and irresponsible to have children. at least for now. will i ever change? i haven’t changed yet.
i think what’s bugging me so much is that i’ve lost my drive. i’m almost content. still scared, still worried that i’m going to end up unemployed and alone.
i don’t know. i find these little things to drive me for a while. theater. auditions. even though i know my singing voice is off key more often than not. sometimes i get a part. and there’s the rush. there’s the reason to go forward in life. but it’s gone so soon.
my old friend wrote an entry today about how she feels disconnected from her family and siblings because she lives so far away. i kind of feel that too. not that i’d want to live back home. god, i’d be miserable.
i just feel so terribly lost. and maybe that’s how i’m supposed to feel. like life is pointless and i’m lost and just wandering on blindly. and maybe my goal is to just deal with it. try to smile and laugh as much as possible and enjoy the simple things in life.
but then i’m just so… bored. and in some respects so empty. but that’s because more than anything i want to want. to need. to have that hunger for… something.
i’m going to israel in a month and i’m not even excited about it. nor am i worried that i’m going to lose at the least $2000 in salary for the two+ weeks I’ll be away. i just don’t care… at all… about much of anything… anymore.
is this depression or just growing up?