Winter in California is bizarre for a gal like me that grew up on the east coast. Sure, we get our annoying rainy season, but snow and painfully cold whether isn’t involved in the concept of winter here. I kind of like that, as I’m definitely not a “cold” person, and it helps save on heating bills (though I have an ‘all utilities paid’ deal with my rent anyway) but sometimes I miss snow.
Scratch that. I just miss my memories of what snow means. Days off from school. Spending time with family. Watching bad tv all day (as a freelancer I tend to do that now… i mean, at least as background noise). Relaxing.
The only thing equivalent to a “snow day” out here would be a day when a giant earthquake destroys everything… or if a forest fire comes frighteningly close to my neighborhood. That’s not much of a snow day.
Most of all, I miss being a child. Like any other 24 year old, I’m now facing the fact that the future is all about being an adult. A young adult for a while, then an old adult, then a very old adult and then… well, that’s life.
How should I value my life? Should I see it in terms of how much money I make, and how much I can buy? I don’t expect to be rich, but as a freelancer I see how I can build up a steady income and at some point, if I have enough happy clients, I can possibly make six figures a year. That feels almost greedy… although if I have kids at some point I’m sure any money would help.
I feel dirty wanting money. I like working for just the amount I need to survive with a little extra to stow away for savings in case something terrible happens. Then again, I love eating at nice restaurants, traveling and buying overpriced clothing. It’s tough to both want to not be greedy and want to live a mildly lavish lifestyle.
More than anything, though, I want to feel like I’ve earned my money. That I deserve what I’ve earned. That’s why I like the idea of freelancing. Beyond actually having to do a good job, I constantly have to market myself and prove my worth. And if i’m not worthy of a project then I have to rethink my strategy for long-term survival. Maybe that’s a little scary, but I enjoy the ongoing challenge. It keeps me on my toes.
What’s with all of this ‘future’ and ‘past’ thinking? Well, it’s the holiday season, and while I’m not religious, the time around Hannukah and New Years always throws me into a state of extreme reflection. I think a lot about where I’ve been selfish in the past year and how I can change my next year to be a better person. I rarely make as much progress as I’d like, but at least through growing up I’ve stopped being so terribly narcissistic. I’ve accepted that for the most part people do not care about me, whether that’s caring about me being wonderful or a trainwreck. As a kid I was desperate for attention. Not anymore. Well, sometimes, if I’m having a random hyper moment and perhaps a few shots of Vodka. But…
Now… my whole view on life has changed. My basic morals haven’t. I still believe in freedom, I still believe in being a good person regardless of a belief in some divinity. That will always be a part of me. But now I don’t mind being invisible (usually). I’m not sure how I feel about that.