Career Change, Mental Illness

Trying to learn to be a normal, functioning human being

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“Your net worth is $3M — how can you not be a functioning human being?”

If anyone knows what is in my bank account, especially that the majority of it is from my personal savings and investments (even though I now track net worth collectively with my husband), the response to my explaining that I’m a barely-functioning adult human is this.

But it’s the honest-to-god truth. I’ve spent my life struggling. Not in the whoa-is-me sense, but just in my reality. It’s some combination of early childhood trauma (growing up in a domestic violence household), genetics, and whatever else makes me up. I’ve lost so many jobs over the years, from my earliest firing when I left a purse out at at train station at a little jewelry and accessories kiosk I briefly attempted to work at, to my most recent axe at the startup where I was on the executive team and failed to live up to expectations (I lasted a whopping four months).

I’ve long been embarrassed by my recurrent job loss. I look in the mirror and ask myself why. Everyone gets fired or laid off on occasion, but I’ve made it a habit. If we’re being honest here, I’ll let you in on a little secret — I’ve been fired nine times. Only ONE of those was what I’d consider a lay off. The rest were due to performance.

The good news? When I get the axe one more time, I’ll have a nifty clean ebook title “How I’ve been fired 10 times in 2 decades and have saved $3M.” Or something more punchy than that. I do like clean numbers.

No one understand how I’ve done this (outside of my husband’s $500k or so contribution to that). I don’t either. How — somehow — through luck, tenacity, fear, masochism, or some other force, I’ve managed to pick myself up again and again and push forward in the most positive and lucrative way possible. Loose a $190k job for being too socially awkward and unproductive to be an executive? Three months later, get another job that pays $250k a year through another contact that liked my from a prior position.

I kept jumping from one thing to the next. For the last 20 years, give or take. And every morning I’d wake up not knowing WHAT to do. My best days were the days I was working on a project where the task was clear and I could use creativity and my superpower of listening to a whole bunch of mildly sociopathic people who think THEY ARE RIGHT at all times and make them ALL happy (thanks childhood trauma and ability to walk delicately on eggshells!) This is not to say those sociopath-lites were untalented or wrong (some of the time), but…

I’m worn down and burnt out by trying so hard to make everyone else happy. It seems I can’t do it anymore. The asks may be impossible, or I may just be incapable, or both. I’m tired. I’m depressed. If it weren’t for my adorable sweet little kiddos, and certainly if I hadn’t somehow built this substantial cushion to see me through the dark times, I might be more serious about making an escape plan from this life.

But that doesn’t change that I’m 40 and don’t know what to do. I finally agreed to take antidepressants and am finagling doses with my psychiatrist to see if anything will help (but can’t take ADHD meds since I’m nursing). I’ve tried ADHD meds before and they just made me a bit manic, but I’ve never worked with someone to adjust and monitor until maybe I could fake myself out for being a real life functioning human being TM.

Every single path I consider is terrifying to me…

Stay the course — somehow get a job in what I’ve been doing and just do better next time. I’ve applied to 150 jobs in what I’ve been doing and haven’t had any luck. The market sucks at the moment so it’s not just me not getting work, but every job post I read makes me die a little inside… just knowing even if someone out there buys that I can do the job, the reality is I can’t. I don’t think that way. I don’t know if there are any classes that can teach me to be good in the career.

It feels like I have to start over anyway… so if I’m starting over, why not do something new…

But then I go down the path of what a mess it will be to invest in myself for any new careers. What if I spend $10k, $50k, or more, and I’m back where I started? That seems like a waste. Is it better to just try to live as frugally as possible (which I’m also bad at but getting better at — it’s just my $7k mortgage makes it impossible to cut down enough to cover our COL even without summer camp and vacations and dinners out) and get a low-paid routine job? The answer to that is no — as I’m pretty horrible at low-paid routine jobs. I do better in roles that require strategic thought, that keep me on my toes, that give me a little dopamine rush on a project that needs to get done and will have some sort of stage to show for it.

I also like helping people. I’m scared to put myself in a position where I am responsible for another person, and I don’t actually see how I can help others, but I do find my greatest satisfaction comes from actually helping other people — shockingly, since I’m a narcissist of some sort probably.

So — I don’t know what to do. The other options:

MBA > TBD: I’d focus on quant and finance, an area I have -0% experience in. I was in advanced math in 10th grade and then in 11th grade they kicked me out and I had to take the “easy 9th grade math” to graduate high school since I couldn’t focus enough to mange through FST. I bought a bunch of calculus books on a whim a few years ago. They are sitting in my garage.

CFP: I like the IDEA of being a CFP. I like helping people with their money. But I don’t like the idea that being a CFP is really being a sales person. I couldn’t work for a company that sold anything I didn’t believe in. And I don’t have it in me to build a business that requires contacting people, making them clients and keeping them happy. I’m also interested in helping people make and manage budgets, but not sure there’s much money in that.

UX/HCI: designing user experiences is interesting to me. This one is a recurring theme. However, I’m so far behind in learning this area and don’t have the technical or research skills for a job like this. I could go back to school but the market is flooded with bootcamp grads and to get a grad degree from any reputable institution requires a solid portfolio. It will take years to even get there. Feels impossible. And I’m not sure I’d be any good at it.

UX content strategiest: an interesting option with no clear path to obtainment. All the UX content strategy roles I’ve seen require experience and a portfolio in this. Which I do not have. So, next…

Therapist: if helping people is my goal, this could be a good career change. But who am I to help others when I’m this much of a mess? I can’t exactly miss appointments with my clients. What if I say something and they get mad at me? I’m bad in tense situations.

Coder: per my other post, this could be interesting. I really want to feel like I have a skillset that is valuable where I can actually DO something because I know how to do it and deliver quality work that — works. Not work in a field where success is subjective. But I’m scared of this path for so many reasons. Per the above, my quant abilities are what abilities would be if they were divided by 0. I like patterns and solving problems, but am I smart enough to do this?

Or… I don’t know. I don’t want to be a stay at home mom forever. I’m enjoying it now and wouldn’t mind it for the next few years. I just need to figure out something I can do and do well. Something where I can wake up in the morning and not dread the day. Is that possible? Am I hopeless? I don’t know. I know I’m not doing well. I haven’t been for a long time.  I need hope. A change. A dream. Something.

Career Change

Should I become a software engineer at 40?

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Like many people out there, I turned 40 and wondered — what am I doing with my life? For better or worse the tech job market has imploded. That, paired with my depression-fueled repeat firings and inability to do a job that requires a certain part of my brain to function, has led me to deciding that I need a major change. Given I can’t get a job and I’m moderately to majorly unemployable, this is not even an option.

So I wondered — should I become a software engineer at 40?

What’s funny is that everyone has recommended I talk to people in various roles I’m interested in to decide if they are good options for me. I’ve considered everything from UX to chief of staff to jobs outside of tech altogether. But it happens I know a lot of software engineers. Not only do I KNOW engineers — they are always my favorite people in the companies I work for.,. because they are often brilliant, socially awkward, and way more fun to talk to than anyone else on my (the business) side of the office.

But am I smart enough to be a software engineer?

My developer friends think so. Maybe they are just being nice… or thinking I have enough of a brain to manage an entry-level programming role. I have no support from my husband who only wants me to have a career that enables me to support the family. He has no idea what I should do but isn’t opposed to this. I don’t blame him that he doesn’t gung ho support me in anything. After all, he has dealt with my recurrent job losses and mental health cluster of a life. It’s no fun being married to me.

I want to prove to him… and to me… that I can do this. I want a job where I wake up in the morning and get to work. Where I don’t feel like I’m going to fail before I even start. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up and not dread going to work. Not know that I could only fake it for so long until I imploded.

Last Feb, my boss, who hired me 4 months earlier, who happened to be CEO of the startup, slacked me and told me to cancel my flight to a conference I had scheduled the next day. I shouldn’t have responded to him on a Sunday but I did. He said to join him on a call first thing Monday morning. I knew what that meant. He was firing exec team members left and right and I knew I failed to live up to his expectations. Maybe I could have done a  better job if I didn’t let my anxiety get to me… but at the end of the day the role… was wrong for me. My whole career is.

Will becoming a software engineer at 40 help? Can I actually do this?

It all feels impossible right now. I don’t feel intelligent enough. I struggle with ADHD and anxiety and depression and am using most of my energy to keep 3 kids alive. How can I become a software engineer? It seems more like a joke to me than a possibility. But maybe it could be real. After all, I’m the girl who in high school was hacking together geocities sites for fun. Sure, it was just HTML (and a lot of scary bad frame design), but it was… me. Something. Something I could have pursued more. But I didn’t. Because as of first or second grade, despite testing as “gifted,” I accepted I was dumb. My father told me I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I didn’t. I stopped because it was too hard for me to focus. I gave up. I was seven years old, and I gave up.

Now I’m 40. I’m tired of giving up. I don’t have much life left. I want to show my kids they can do anything if they put their mind to it. I want to work for a company and cause that is meaningful. Maybe coding would be where I fit, I don’t know. But I’m so so so tired of not firing, tired of the constant suicidal ideation, the inner monologue that tells me I’m a failure and can’t do anything right. I’m just tired. I need a do over. Maybe this is it. Not for anyone else. For me.

 

Other

CoastFI: How do I make $150k a year doing what I love?

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(I should probably start by saying I have no idea what I love.)

At this point with my portfolio I am pretty much CoastFI which means that as long as I don’t dip into my savings/investments I should be fine to retire (and probably retire early but at the least to retire at a normal retirement age.) That’s nice to know. It gives me some relief… but not enough… because I know how quickly I’m decimating my savings without a job.

My husband makes $110k a year, but that doesn’t include any health insurance. My estimate for our monthly expenses is $15k ($7k of that being our mortgage, another $2-3k being cost of home ownership). So $5k on life outside of our house. That alone is a reason I want to move, but my husband refuses, and I’m still torn on that since it feels like owning a home in the Bay Area is probably a good financial move long term (after we’ve made $600k in value in 4 years it feels like it might be… plus we have a 2.6% loan locked in for 27 more years on another $1.2M that we owe and taxes only go up 2% a year here.) Still… it’s frustrating to be so “house poor” when we don’t have to be. I imagine a life living in a MCOL city where we have money to take trips and all that on a lot less. Sell our house, walk with $900k cash, and basically buy something outright or with a small mortgage.

That isn’t happening, though, so I need to figure out how to make money so we can Coast and not flop.

Husband’s after tax is probably around $6k a month. So I need to make up $9k a month… or about $155k to break even. If I want to take vacations that involve airplanes (and islands and hotels) with my family of 5, I’m really needing $200k income… but for now I’m just trying to hit $150-$160k.

I haven’t had a lot of luck getting interviews and I know that I might have to settle for $100-$120k for the short term… if I can even get that. It seems not the worst to do that for a year or two as long as by year 3 I can be back up to at least $150k. It feels crazy writing this as the last time I earned less than $160k was in 2015! And that’s not inflation adjusted or anything. Salaries are so low right now and it’s an employer’s market. I haven’t shared how I got fired from my last job which was paying $200k plus bonus in Feb, but it was killing me and I wasn’t a fit for it… I’m sad it didn’t work out but really I needed the time off for my mental health while pregnant with baby 3. Now I’m not sure wtf to do. Job applying is getting me no where and my self confidence is at an all time low, at least work wise.

Some days I wish I had cuter feet, you know?

Career, Depression

Should I change my career at 40? I need a do over.

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If you’ve been following this blog for the last — nearly 20 — years, you know I never exactly loved my career. While I struggle with depression and ADHD, I’ve managed to continue getting jobs after being let go over and over again… but the jobs I was able to get were the ONLY jobs I was offered at the time and I took what I could get. Am I lucky I got anything? Yes. Am I lucky those jobs sometimes paid a lot especially with a few solid years of stock being worth more than I ever imagined? 100% yes. But…

But.

I’m 40 and I have no employable skills. I’ve gotten by with a mix of getting lucky and having hiring mangers who had strong ideas of what they wanted and couldn’t find anyone else willing to execute on them. I have been a “yes” woman but never have built my own value in knowledge and abilities I can take from one organization to the next.

As I joined a “obviously going to be fired” zoom call last February, I no longer deluded myself into thinking the early morning meeting with my boss was going to be something else. I had flights booked for a series of conferences I was managing and my boss, over the weekend, told me to cancel my trip and meet him first thing Monday morning. I knew I deserved what was coming. I was lost, yet again, in a job that I couldn’t do. I didn’t know what to do. There were a bunch of things he wanted me to do but nothing came naturally to me and I spent too many hours spiraling over how I couldn’t do a good job. His constant berating me for the work I did do didn’t help.

If it was just that one job I’d say it’s a fluke — a bad boss — a bad environment — bad luck. But this is the story from day one of my career. And at 40 it’s no longer a little bit of imposter syndrome mixed with something I can learn. It’s obvious to me this isn’t going to improve in this field. I can maybe find the right combo of meds to help minimize my anxiety and help me focus — but even then — I’m not able to do this job at any company. Reading and applying to job postings just makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m hopeful I can find a career where I don’t feel that way about work. Maybe I’ll never LOVE working, but I want a career that doesn’t make me borderline suicidal.

Part of me is excited about starting over. Going into this with a big enough cushion that I can give myself two years to redirect and will probably be ok. It’s scary to drain my savings down, but scarier to think about 25 more years living like this (if I can even manage to find another job in my field, which is looking less and less like by the day.)

I do carry shame that I’ve failed to get where I should be at this age. If I had only focused and built my career in my field I could daily b making $250k+ a year. I could be providing for my family consistently. I could be good at my job. I’m sure shit would happen sometimes and there’d be new things to learn, but I’d be one of those people who just knew what they’re doing and acted like it. I could/should be a VP at my age. Instead, I’m applying to junior level job and not even getting calls for interviews because my experience makes no sense.

It really, really sucks.

And it’s an opportunity. To start over. Clean slate. Is that possible at 40? How am I 40? 40 with a newborn and two other kids under 5. I’m tired. And want to be a good mom too. Struggling to do a little work and also the mom thing. So how could I go back to school? I feel pretty lost right now. There are options — so many options — but which path to take? I’m scared to invest in myself. Scared to throw money at a problem when that problem is me.

I don’t know what choice I have, though. At some point the money will run out. My husband refuses to get a full time job until the kids are all in school full time, and even his full time income would not cover our expenses. I need to get it together. I have health insurance covered through the end of August and then need to either pay for COBRA or get insurance on the marketplace. It’s so expensive. Life is crazy expensive. I refuse to lose everything I’ve built over the last 20 years. The only question is — how?

Aging, Anxiety, Networth

I’m Back! And my financial life is as confusing as ever.

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My site has been down for a while. It apparently took a quick chat with my hosting provider to fix it, but my anxiety kept me from trying that until now. I finally decided I missed writing here enough to attempt getting this fixed. I didn’t realize it would be quite so easy.

I have no idea if anyone will still find this blog. Maybe some of you have my updates in your feeds and will see this pop up. If so — hi!

I don’t have time to write my entire life update tonight, but here’s a quick summary…

  • I’m now 40(!) years old (can you believe I started this blog when I was 22???)
  • I have three(!) kids. My oldest is about to turn 6, and my youngest is about to turn 2 months old.
  • Over the past 2 years I’ve lost two jobs and left one after 10 months. I was let go from my last role earlier this year while pregnant and haven’t found a position yet. Things aren’t quite dire (thank goodness for having a big cushion) but I’m pretty down about job prospects, my abilities, and what the hell I should do with the rest of my life before I retire.
  • Life is fucking expensive. Someone kick me for moving to the most expensive place to live in the country 20 years ago and not leaving.
  • It isn’t all a shit show… the house I bought in 2020 (for more than we could really afford) is worth about $600k more today. We could sell our house and walk with $900k+ in cash, which would set us up for a pretty good life most anywhere else.
  • Our total net worth right now is hovering around $3.3M (I stopped tracking separate because that’s a pain to figure out, but a lot of that is from my income and investments). We still owe $1.2M-ish on the house (ouch) with a $7k a month mortgage (double ouch), but things aren’t dire… yet.
  • Did I mention our net worth is $3.3M? This isn’t a humble brag… this is still me waking up every day thinking how da fuc did we get here (from $28k in 2007 plus the few thousand my husband had saved then).
  • Most of that is tied up in investments, the aforementioned home equity, et al, so the no job thing is still a mega issue.
  • We are bleeding cash right now. Our outflow is about $13k-$20k a month, depending on how sad I am and how much I am buying on Amazon on any given day. Or how much our house is breaking. Aiming to keep spending down but with a $7k mortgage an 3 kids there is only so much we can do…
  • I’m looking for a job. Contemplating a major career pivot but everything feels terrifying. I don’t trust myself to invest in myself even now. I’ve managed to bounce from one thing to the next where I let other people tell me what they think I’m good at… but I’ve never actually figured out what I’m… actually… good at. And my career history is a sad smorgasbord of fuck ups with the occasional project that cemented my next role or next next role as people forgot I’m not actually qualified for much.
  • I want to be qualified for… something. So I’m on maternity leave, luckily getting some pay through state disability, and thinking hard on what’s next. I’m also working with a psychiatrist to try to fix this brain of mine once and for all, but limited w/ what meds I can take because I’m nursing so it’s rough. I need to survive the next 22 months and then I’ll be done nursing and can take whatever. Drug me up.

Anyway, I’m back. Hello. If you see this feel free to drop a comment. Would love to know if anyone is still out there. Let me know if you have any questions on the above!

Career

Update on Life These Days

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I haven’t been in the mood to write a lot lately. Was just thinking about this blog and my readers as I work through my budget for the year.

The sort of everything is that it took me three months to find a new job. I got lucky — because a lot of interviews were getting to late stage (including projects I put a lot into) and then I didn’t get the job for one reason or another. One I thought I would get was eliminated as the company went in another strategic direction. A contact of mine from the past referred me to an opportunity and the interview process was very smooth as she is super well respected in the org, so I didn’t even have to do a project to get hired!

The role is much more junior than my past roles and on paper it’s a lot less than I was making at my last job (for even more work). I’m enjoying the role, though. It’s hard but I’m learning a lot and I feel appreciated for what I bring to the table. I realize the past years have felt like an abusive relationship with my past employer and I should have left a long time ago. I’m glad I didn’t because the comp was worth staying for — but it was definitely time to leave.

This job is very much a transitional role. I need to run with my new title and pick up as much experience and data for my resume as I can in the next 1-2 years. I’m at $175k salary now with no bonus or anything (plus minimal private co stock that won’t be worth anything.) It’s not horrible but going from $250k+ to $175k is pretty rough on the ego and home budget front. My husband is earning $100k so we can get by on $275k but it’s tight (yeay HCOL.) I need to spend some time reallocating investments as things are way off now. I’m tired and don’t have time to think about it. Plus I need to help my mother with her investments as she sold her house and it’s all in cash now. Fun times.

ADHD, Adulting, Career

Never Gonna Get Laid Off, Never Gonna Turn Around and Desert You…

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Weellllllllllllp. Layoffs have hit my sector bigly and I’ve had an axe hanging over my head by a thread for a long while now with my boss salivating at the chance to slice the string. I know, though I don’t know, but I know, and everyone at the company knows, because it’s pretty obvious when such things are going down, that I have a job for mayyyybe two to three more weeks. Then — (f)unemployment? Ugh, if only I could take a chill pill and lean into the “fun” part of that, you know?

Here’s the deal… I never was a fit for this job, or any job I’ve had. I’ve gotten by on producing shiny objects — tricking people into thinking I can actually do a job. I’m not a one-trick pony, mind you — I have a whole host of magic up my sleeves. Problem is, I got short arms, and I run out of tricks soon enough. Then everyone realizes I’m a total fraud.

Oh, before you start throwing “imposter syndrome” at me let me tell you that I am convinced most everyone is a fraud, their brains are just not trying to solve every single problem in the universe at once so they can slow down and focus on whatever it is they are doing at the moment and get it done and move on to the next thing. My anxious-as-fuck brain freezes up all while jolting around seeing ALL OF THE POSSIBILITY. And then, when I’m working on creative projects — which is most of my work — I don’t know how to give useful feedback as I nit pick to sculpt the project until I’m happy with it. I don’t actually know what the end result is until I see it, and that’s not the way one can work in the corp world. Everything is all frameworks this and Simon Sinek that. Yea, I came up with a blog business idea earlier that while on unemployment this winter I’m going to read every single “top” business book that my colleagues quote to quote-zoo to sound smart and I’m going to summarize them for people like me who have no attention span and create quizzes so we can all remember the important bits to sound like we know our shit.

After I get through my little project, I’ll be seeing stars and going to interviews quoting all of the visionary visionaries, nodding along as yet another CEO references yet another book that everyone in business obviously has read, duh, even though I haven’t, oops. Even if my name isn’t as alliterative or sepia-toned colorful as as 

I’m glad I’m getting let go. Really. Not really. Kind of. I should have left this job a long time ago. Let me say I am glad I didn’t. I’m so fucking lucky. Soooooo lucky. The amount of income I made the last two years is abso-fucking-lootely ridiculous. It’s unlikely I’ll ever see that kind of AGI on my annual tax return again, ever. Unless this blog blows up bigly and I get a book contract that goes top 10 NY Times bestseller list and my face magically appears in all of the airport bookstands next to all those other books someone must buy waiting for their flight because why else would they put them there?

So if you haven’t noticed I’m flipping out a wee little lot bit and terrified of what happens next. I’ve managed to land a series of interviews for a series of companies and they’ve all gone nowhere. I fucking HATE feeling like I have to fake it in interviews to get a job — both because I don’t like faking anything (TMI never faked it, that it, thank you much, yes I know you were wondering and wonderers cannot be left hanging in these parts) and also because that is just a recipe for disaster if I get hired under some pretense and then have to actually do the job. I just want to be able to be myself (well at least 80% of myself, I can leave  20% of myself  in the  NFT car in the virtual parking lot) and get hired for who I am and what I bring to the table. Ah, such wishful thinking. Who would hire that? Who would hire ME? I wouldn’t. That’s a problem.

I’ve got a whole host of ideas on what to do next. Because I need a job. One that pays well. I haven’t made less than $165k in over 7 years. And I’m looking at jobs that pay $100k-$125k. And I can’t even get those. I’m considering a year or two of a low-paid job to build up some specialist experience but still I have to get the job and do a good job at it and that all leads me to that I need an MBA and to get an MBA I need to learn math and take the GMAT and I’m going to be 40 in a year and it’s too late for all of this, I’m just fucked beyond fucked. I do figure that there are certain things I can improve — skills I can learn — and other things that are harder to get better at. Creativity seems hard to optimize. I can beg borrow and steal ideas but I’m never going to be some sort of creative genius. I can, however, perhaps, learn data science. So I’m shifting to trying to find a path that’s learnable. Real. Hard. Skills. Ones that pay well, ideally. Or I just start this business book blog and start interviewing business people and make a podcast and make myself a person that people quote. Yea, my dream job is being paid $250k to speak at a conference for an hour. Who’s hiring?

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Other

Checking In — An Update

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Hello everyone! Wow, so a few of you who read my blog have wondered where I am, and I wanted to post a general update.

With two littles and a busy life working and all, I haven’t ‘had much time to post. This year has been a bit of a cluster financially (I guess I have a lot to write on that when I have the time) but my goal from 2022 has shifted from growing my net worth to not losing too much of it. The markets are down, but it’s not just that. In any case we still have the house, I’m paying the mortgage, and by the love of whatever financial god there is I’ll have my 2021 taxes done by Oct 21.

So readers — if you’re still out there — tell me (in comments) how your year is going. 🙂

ADHD, Mental Illness

Career Revamp: How to Accept Lost Income and Savings?

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I am trying to make it through my job, but at this point I’m acknowledging that my career is just not a fit. I’m very (incredibly) fortunate to be in a position where I’ve been paid a lot, which has allowed me to purchase a home and superfund my children’s college savings accounts. Compared to most of the world I’m in a really good place. It doesn’t feel that way, but I constantly I have to remind myself that I’m doing pretty great.

But it’s still hard to look at the future ahead of me and think about what to do next. I could pretty easily (with the right antidepressant anyway) stay in my current role and continue to earn $200k-$300k per year. If I knew 100% there was something else out there that would be a better fit I would be willing to give that up for lower compensation, but the reality is I don’t actually have any idea if another job would be any better. I could leave this role, take a position for $80k, have to dip into savings for years, and still be completely unhappy — maybe more so.

There are things about my career that aren’t a good fit for me. Some of these things are part of any job but maybe lesser so in another field. Having to influence people is really challenging for me. I am not a good communicator. I’m not great at being organized, but also I’m worse at it when I have a job that requires so much context switching and doesn’t have clear measures of success or completion. I worry that a job with clear measures of success and completion would bore me–when I’m bored I don’t do good work either.

I’m really seeking a career where I can be in “flow” more often than not. Maybe that’s unrealistic. I know I like working on projects where I’m collaborating with a team and building something and being part of that trajectory to create something from nothing and then get it out to the world. I think this is pretty consistent in the few moments in my career and life when I’ve felt in the right place. But this concept is not a career. This concept does not pay the mortgage.

I wish I could just figure out a way to do this job and not feel so horrible about it. But when it comes to creative work I find I’m either all in and doing really good work or I can’t engage at all. I can’t half engage. I can’t just get it done and not care and spend the rest of my day doing other things. It haunts me from the moment I wake up in the morning to the instant I fall asleep, and often even finds it way into my dreams and/or nightmares.

Really all I want is to feel good at something and like I’m actually contributing value. I don’t think I am now. Often I’m told that I must be or else I would’t be paid what I’m paid. Well, someone at the top believes in me despite my being a total mess, but not to the point where he cares to help my career make any sense. My job is to get random things done that are high-stress projects with no clear definition of success other than a bunch of people decide they are ok and then they are done.

The work I have is not impossible time-wise. It’s just impossible in the sense that I cannot do it. Or, I do manage to do it, at the last minute, after a whole lot of stress. Maybe that’s why I get paid so much. Because no one else really wants to do the jobs I do.

I’m just tired. Tired of not knowing what my career is. Tired of feeling like everything could fall out from under me at any moment. I realize I’ll never be perfect at my job, but I would love to have a real career where I start at a lower level and have regular promotions every few years because I’ve actually done a good job. Is it possible for me to do a consistently good job at anything? If I could do ANYTHING what would that be?

I think fundamentally I need to revisit if I’m really a creative person. I’m constantly pushed into creative type roles but I don’t think I’m creative at all. In fact, maybe I’m at the point in my life where I prefer to be quantitative in my work. Not that I know how to be, but maybe that’s an area to explore. I just can’t imagine myself in a job interview where I can hold my own where I’m asked questions about data. I process too slowly. No one would hire me.

And I like to do things my own way, which isn’t how the world works. People want you to know what you’re doing and follow the established path with minor deviations.

Part of me wants a job where I interact with people more. Again, going back to the drawing board — being some kind of counselor… or even a nutritionist? But then I realize that I’m just not mentally well enough to have a job that requires being stable enough to see clients regularly. So that crosses off a lot of jobs out there. I don’t know. Maybe my current job is the best job I’ll ever have. It pays well. It’s not that hard, it’s more like managing a puzzle that constantly has new pieces showing up and you just have to figure out how to put it all together well enough that people don’t realize you’re missing pieces and then you move on to the next puzzle. Nothing ever feels done or good. And that makes me feel sick.

I’m trying hard to start building a life outside of work. To at least focus on my health with exercise and eating well. If my entire career is going to go to shit then the least I can do is make sure I’m as healthy as I can be physically. I have to try to believe that there is an answer out there for me somewhere. I need to find it and I need to drive the change. I need to start believing in myself. I’m embarrassed of how I present myself to people. I’m going to be 40 soon. I need to get my shit together.  On so many levels. I should go to the psychiatrist and get meds and I will soon. I’m not sure how that really helps but maybe it does. I’m willing to try anything right now. To help me stop being this–whoever it is that I am. I need to grow up, grow a pair, and just get on with it. Life isn’t waiting for me and I’m too impatient to wait for it.

Career, Career Change

Struggling and Scared. What’s New?

2 Comments

I have 70 days until I will feel good about leaving my current job. But that still leaves the big question – what job should I go to next?

Reading job postings is the most depressing thing ever. I don’t have any skills that would land me a new job. And the jobs I’m qualified for, well, they aren’t even clear fits, and they would pay A LOT less. My only hope for making the same income is to take a VP level role, which is possible since I think I can probably convince some company no one wants to work at to hire me to run a department… I’ve done it before… but that means I actually can’t suck at this time. And while I think I’d be better than I was in my early 30s, I don’t see myself really being able to do the job well.

I keep having this sinking feeling that I’m stuck. That isn’t worst case, of course. That means I continue to do a good enough job where I don’t get fired. For however long I need to do that. I’m just not getting any more relevant experience for leaving and the longer I stay the more stuck I become. Until I get so depressed that I can’t function and end up losing my job anyway.

But I feel like I need to dig into something meaningful as my next step. I’m scared because part of me likes not giving a shit about my job beyond just doing a good enough job. If I am doing something that actually betters the world then I will be extra angry at myself when I slip up. It feels good to not care, I guess, but then I can’t motivate myself to do good work, so I think I need to care overall.

I wonder if I took some time off would I have the energy to get back to things. But I’m still convinced I don’t have the ability to learn enough skills to be employable in any job that a sane person would want to have. My number one skill is managing to make crazy sociopaths happy by doing what they want even though I disagree with it entirely. It’s not the best life though, at least for the past few years, it has paid well. But this year it’s leaning into being asked to do things that I’m not ethically ok with plus I don’t believe in and I just hate it all.

I’m curious what I’ll get for my bonus and raise (if any) this year. If I don’t get a raise again that’s going to hurt because inflation is bonkers. But I’m, well, not putting any money on a potential raise. I know even 5% is going to be pretty standard this year and anything below that is just a kick in the face and a clear sign to GTFO. But where do I go? I really don’t know. I’m just so worn down. I’m taking it week by week. 10 weeks left. Just 10 weeks. I can at least get through the 10 weeks right?

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