Tag Archives: school

I don’t care about money anymore.

For the last almost 15 years of my life since I graduated from high school, I’ve felt overwhelmingly lost. I may as well have been wandering blindfolded through Siberia with my hands tied behind my back. Somehow or other I’ve managed to float from one job to the next, things I never really wanted to do, but it all just happened. I got really good at faking it enough to get hired in only the things I didn’t actually want to do.

I always return to my $325k+ networth, because that’s my one heaping achievement at this point in my life. I don’t own a house. I paid for my used car outright. I live in a relatively modest one bedroom shared with my boyfriend. I have no kids. I barely have a social life. I spend most of my time working or thinking about work or doing something related to work, despite not being nearly as productive as I should be. And I’ve given up on all of my dreams for fame or fortune. Right now, I just want to find my calling. I don’t need a six figure job. Ironically I find the more money I make the less I want to spend, the more I want to save – and I’ve figured out I can get away with about $3k a month in expenses, or less if I was desperate.

Part of me thinks I’m absolutely crazy. I should be fighting for my current life, my current job, with every ounce of my being. It may not be enough – I may just not be intellectually capable of doing a good job in this specific type of role – but I should at least be trying with all my might. I don’t feel like I have the right to be burnt out at this point – it isn’t burn out, it’s just the wrong fit. My whole life has been the wrong fit.

But I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not completely on the wrong path. There are elements of my role, the industry I am in, which are more than fulfilling. I just know that the only thing that stands between me and a life I can be proud of is the GRE. Yes, there’s graduate school as well, but the GRE is the big giant monster standing in my way. When I say this out loud it sounds like I’m throwing a pity party but I’m really not that intelligent in the book smart sense of the term. While I need a billion hour of study on quant to score decently on that section, I feel like I have a chance to master quant if I put my mind to it. I’m terrified of verbal, surprisingly enough, because my comprehension skills are limited.

Clearly I’ll need to study a lot for the GRE. With an undergraduate GPA of 3.2 (barely, it’s a bit all over the place) I don’t know i fan self-respecting graduate program would seriously consider my application without some crazy stellar GRE score. I’m talking top 95%. Or, you know, I just don’t go to grad school, and I figure out something else. But the longer I think about it… you know… 10 years or so… the more it’s clear that I need to go back to school to get where I want to be. There are specific programs I want to apply to, and all of these are at top schools to where I wouldn’t have dreamed of applying for undergrad. And I still think it’s rather funny I’m considering applying to them for grad school. If I were to actually get in, I think that would be the first actual accomplishment of my life that I’d be proud of.

At the moment I’m trying to figure out how to arrange my studying. I’m not opposed to putting $1000+ down on a class, but I feel like it would make more sense to TRY to study on my own and take the test first – see how I do after seriously studying on my own for two months or so, and then go take a class or get a tutor to hone up on the parts I couldn’t learn on my own. The whole prep class thing reeks of scam — the GRE is supposed to be the type of test one can learn themselves. And would 8 weeks of classes really get me where I need to be? Tutors are crazy expensive though. I realize compared to a $100k graduate program spending $5k on getting in is really not that insane. I just don’t think a one-size-fits-all type of program would really work. So I’m going to see what I can do on my own first… probably. I’d like to double down on quant first. Answering verbal questions is frustrating because I can’t go back and “work” them and figure out what I did wrong – other than memorizing words. And I SUCK at memorization.

In any case, the next 4 months of my life = intense GRE study. I need to approach this like a game. The game is the GRE. And I want to win it.

Looking Back and Looking Forward

This week I attended my high school’s 10 year reunion. After it being cancelled (not enough people wanted to pay $90 a pop for an open bar), a bunch of my classmates decided to meet up at a local bar on the same night. The evening was as awkward as reunions must always be  — seeing people you haven’t seen in 10 years (except on Facebook), people who hated you or ignored you in high school, now attempting to act like grown ups and be nice to each other.

It was, as reunions are, a place where plenty of people were connecting with lost connections, and old friends. What was most fascinating to me was where everyone was in their lives, 10 years in from high school graduation. Of course the people who showed up at this reunion (maybe 6% of our whole high school class) weren’t the ones who were stalled in their lives. But everyone was on a path, some more clear than others, and it was interesting to see how people’s lives were shaping out.

It also made me quite introspective about my own life and my choices. I’ve done so much, professionally, since graduating college, that I haven’t really had time to stop and think about how to make a living doing what I really love — helping people and understanding people. The INFP in me does my best work when my ethics and beliefs align squarely with that which I produce. I like harmony, not discordance. And life isn’t like school where there are right or wrong choices, you just make choices, day in and day out, with some making sense and others leading you off the deep end, where you may or may not be able to swim yourself out of it.

In any case, this has led me back to thinking I really would like to go to graduate school, and have the time to pursue something that lights up the right spots in my brain. This something will be psychology, sociology, or human computer interaction. And will be sometime in the next five years. I realize that despite an MBA being the right choice for my career, it’s not the right choice for me.

Should Everyone Go to College?

My alma mater, a private midwest college with a strong arts program, recently announced that it is raising tuition to $30k a year. While this is quite high, other private schools in the area also announced tuition hikes… The University of Chicago raised tuition to 4% to $55,416 for 2011-2012 and beyond.

At least the students at The University of Chicago have high odds to earn back their extremely high tuition fee… but what about the others of us who are not Ivy League material? Is it worth it to pay $100k – $250k for a college degree?

We were raised to think YES, but some are now arguing the opposite. In The Atlantic, Professor X returns to further on his original controversial article “In the Basement of the Ivory Tower: University education for everyone is a destructive myth.” Professor X is a professor at a “college of last resort,” he calls it. In 2008, he wrote:

“I wonder, sometimes, at the conclusion of a course, when I fail nine out of 15 students, whether the college will send me a note either (1) informing me of a serious bottleneck in the march toward commencement and demanding that I pass more students, or (2) commending me on my fiscal ingenuity—my high failure rate forces students to pay for classes two or three times over.

What actually happens is that nothing happens. I feel no pressure from the colleges in either direction. My department chairpersons, on those rare occasions when I see them, are friendly, even warm. They don’t mention all those students who have failed my courses, and I don’t bring them up. There seems, as is often the case in colleges, to be a huge gulf between academia and reality. No one is thinking about the larger implications, let alone the morality, of admitting so many students to classes they cannot possibly pass.”

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Contemplating a Serious Career Change

Maybe it’s because I’m an INFP with ADHD, but I always feel the need for a career shift every couple of years. I get bored at jobs but that’s not the only reason I look for a change. There is something missing at every job I’ve had so far and what that thing is becomes clearer as I get older. That thing is feeling like I’m helping people.

Of all the jobs I’ve had so far, the moments I’ve liked most were when I felt most connected to my “NF” side. Admin? Hated data entry. Liked answering questions when people needed help. Retail? Hated “selling.” Loved helping people shop for something that fit what they wanted. PR? Hated “pitching.” Liked helping journalists get the information they need. Journalism? Liked when I got to write articles to give a voice to people in the local newspaper who otherwise wouldn’t be heard. Disliked when my whole job was getting stories first about corporate drama. Marketing? Well, it’s hard to find a lot to like here in this sense. I do enjoy the strategy end of things, but I’m lacking motivation to promote something that doesn’t benefit people in any way. Notice a trend?
This has me sitting here, wondering if I have gone the entirely wrong direction with my life. I’m “only” 26 but some jobs out there require years of training… a high GPA… and a whole lot of commitment. The worst thing is that now I am making really good money. That would be great if I loved my job, but it’s hard to stop everything and go into debt for another x number of years of school to ultimately learn less money. My secret TJ side is screaming “that’s stupid!”
One of the fields I’m tossing around is nursing. If I like helping people so much, and I like jobs that are fairly high paced, why not be a nurse? I always wanted to have a job where I could be special and different. Being a nurse is not about you at all. It’s a job just like any other job. But where I’d never get recognized by the masses, I’d be recognized for helping people every single day. Would that be enough to make me happy? Maybe.
The only thing I know is that if i keep on the route I’m on now, well, I’m looking at doing what I do best… getting fired, or laid off, or quitting, and being depressed, but too scared to change my track, and then managing to find something else that is “better” in theory (better pay, more reasonability) but worse in getting me closer to career happiness. If that exists.
There are other things I’m interested in… especially psychology… and if I’m going to be a nurse why not just go for the PsyD? Or, heck, get a postbac in premed and go to school for 12 years to become a psychiatrist? It feels too late for all of that. And I don’t want to kid myself. I’m definitely interested in psychology, but I’m also not a good test taker and I’m of average or only slightly above average intelligence and below average focus and motivation. I’m on a roll right now faking it in the field I’m in, why change? — and, granted, I don’t totally fake it – but I feel like a big phony. But… if I have one life… why give up a chance to feel like I’m helping people every day? Wouldn’t that be worth more than any salary?