Tag Archives: relationship

Hello 2015! Goodbye 2014. And so on…

It has been one hell of a year. Accounting for all that has happened, no wonder I feel mildly overwhelmed. As life speeds ahead, I’m grateful for this one day a year to stop and reflect on how much changes in the course of 365 days. A lot, to say the least.

I’m trying to become a more mellow person, but that’s a struggle. Whatever seems massively important today, unless it has to do with your loved ones or close friends, isn’t really that important at all in the grand scheme of things. When I care too much about everything, that’s when shit starts to hit the fan. Work is work, love is love, and the two should never be accidentally interchanged. I’m not saying that one shouldn’t work hard and get shit done, but the amount of stress I create for myself on this impossible quest to perfection, and the ultimate downfall of such anxiety, is not worth it and it doesn’t help anyone.

In 2015, I’d like, more than anything, to manage a solid and productive year at my current job. This will not only enable me to reach or at least get near my 2015 financial goal of $400k networth (up from $300k today), but it will also provide me with the confidence I need to be highly employable going forward, with a playbook to use which can be followed in any role I take, at least within my specific type of position and industry. It’s creating the playbook that’s hard, especially when you have to learn from trial and error.

In my last opportunity, I realize now that a lot of the challenges there were not my fault. I didn’t make the right plays, for sure, but sometimes young companies have issues beyond what a marketing or sales person can help. Lesson learned there is to never take a job unless I believe 100% in the product and also know there’s a large pain point it is solving.

That’s not to say anything is going to come easy in 2015. I am in a much better situation, but some of the realities are the same as the last and I want to make sure not to make the same mistakes. While I don’t want every year of my life to be dedicated to my career and working long hours, I think 2015 is the year to do it. I don’t have kids yet (but hopefully will soon) and outside of a stable relationship with my boyfriend of nearly nine years, I don’t have much of a social life to speak of, so I might as well invest my 2015 into, as calmly as possible, kicking ass at my job. (And accepting help from the right people who can actually GSD. I.e. hiring smart and making decisions not based solely on resume but on my gut.)

I’m also accepting that there are some things I’m good at and some things I’m not so good at — and I want to forget about that and try my very best to see what I’m truly capable of — if that isn’t good enough for this role or this type of role then, well, I need to figure something else out. I’m hoping that’s not the case, but we’ll see. The difference this time around is that I want to push myself to do whatever it takes to succeed. It is going to be a struggle every step of the way, but what good taste of victory isn’t?

As a working professional, I’m not allowed to be scared, but I am, but I’m also reminding myself that it isn’t worth being scared over succeeding or failing in a job as long as you believe you’ve actually done your best (and you have enough of an emergency fund in the bank to help you through whatever transition needed should you falter.) I have to wake up every morning and ask myself — what needs to get done today? And I need to get that done. Period. No getting distracting on projects that may help the bigger picture but aren’t contributing to your core objective. To succeed at work, you have to be selfish. You have to learn to say “no” a lot. And you have to get results so people trust that when you say no, it’s for good reason.

Outside of work, I hope 2015 will be an exciting year on the personal front. It should be the year my boyfriend proposes to me, which I’m actually excited about given we’re pretty much married at the moment and there is no other person I’d rather spend the rest of m life with. What I have learned about myself is that – while I thought I’d want to marry someone who is career-minded and well-traveled, for many adventures throughout the next however many years of my life, I’m actually much more of a homebody who prefers stability in my relationship. That’s not to say we don’t take trips on occasion, but we’ve yet to travel abroad with each other (my Southeast Asia trip was with a high school friend, not with him) and that’s ok. I’ve discovered that the value of a relationship is having someone to come home to at night, to share a meal with, to watch a movie or tv series with, to cuddle with and wake up next to in the morning. And, of course, to raise a family with when the time is right. All of the other excitement can be obtained outside of a relationship in the form of individual adventures and sharing time with good friends.

2014 has also been a year of seeing my parents go through their own transitions. My mother turned 60, my father, in his 60s, still has terminal cancer, yet is doing miraculously well, #knockonwood, and they’ve been remodeling all of the bathrooms in their home, considering purchasing a condo in Florida to spend the long winters, and surprisingly enough have not killed each other on a series of road trips across their part of the country. I have to remind myself often that I’m now old, and so are they. I mean, 60 isn’t that old necessarily, but 60 year olds are grandparent age, and neither I or my sister have had a child yet, so they’re occupying themselves with a variety of other engagements. But it is strange, how fast life goes, and remembering your parents when you were young, and knowing your time with them, even without accident, is limited. Living far away, if you see them twice a year, for 30 more years, that’s even just 60 more times to say hello and goodbye to the people who made you, and that’s a terrifying thought, no matter how many times they drive you to want to jump off a bridge on each visit.

I hope that 2015 is filled with success, love, and friendships. My resolutions are to go to the gym every weekday (or walk at least one hour with commute), to NOT pig out, binging on crap food just because it is the only thing that helps combat my terrible anxiety, to focus on the primary success metric on my job and relentlessly show results to my boss and team so they can trust me and I can expand to do the things I enjoy most while still delivering unprecedented results, and to spend reasonable amounts of quality time with my family who are across the country, not just my parents, but my cousins, grandparent, and sister. I also want to get rid of tons of shit and live a simpler life.

Finally, my New Years resolution, which is crazy, is that I don’t want to buy anything (other than perhaps a new suit and coat) between now and June 2015, as my focus is on losing weight and saving money. I want to have my 401k and HSA maxed out by March ($20k), following by investing in a post-tax IRA ($5.5k) and manage to save another ~40k-75k through some serious frugality over the year. I can’t focus on that though, as it distracts me from what gets me there, being successful at my job, and growing into an actual executive who looks nothing like the me prior to 2014. Bring it on 2015, I might not be ready for you, but let’s make it happen.

 

Holiday. Celebrate. It’s All Right.

For that record, that song is way too perky for me. That said, I’m looking forward to this three-day weekend in the States to memorialize people who fought for this country and/or just sleep as much as I actually should be sleeping every night.

My boyfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary this weekend and off on our annual getaway to a state park nearby. I used to think it was silly to pay for a hotel in an area that’s less than two hours from your house, but now I like the idea of it. When you spend so much time working it’s nice to have a little getaway, even if you could have just gotten up early and returned the next morning from home Continue reading

6 Months Till 30: Trying to Figure Life Out

In one week, I’ll be six months away from turning 30. I’m not as freaked out about turning 30 as I thought I would be. I’m finally starting to grow some confidence in myself. I’ve been exercising a bit, losing some weight, and while I’m not happy with how I look, I’m headed in the right direction. I have the cash to pay for fixing what exercise won’t. And despite constantly worrying that I’m not being paid what I deserve, and that I’m not able to live up to my perfectionistic standards while getting everything done that needs to get done, from an outsiders point of view I’m doing very well for myself. I guess I’ve made it. Or I’m on the verge of making it. I should applaud myself a bit for these accomplishments, as my parents will never keep me that reward I crave.

But stepping back further, I sometimes look at my life and what I really want out of it. My mother’s voice complaining that my father didn’t make a lot of money rings in my head. She wishes she married someone with more money, so her life would be easier. The truth is my father made quite a bit of money. Complaining about his obesity or his constant berating of her ego would be something sane to go on about. Instead, she would complain that we didn’t have enough money for all the things she wanted. But then I look at where I’m headed and think, oh my god, I’m about to embark on a life with a man who at 31 hasn’t held a full time job, has nothing in savings, and likely will not break a six figure salary until much later in his life, if ever. And I hate, hate, hate being a gold digger of any sort (or even a silver digger) as I don’t want money to factor into romance. I don’t want to be that type of women. But admittedly I’m unhappy about it. Does it matter that he has $0 in retirement savings and a good $5k left to his name that will be gone once he finds a job? Continue reading

Love, Stability, Excitement, Passion, Trust, Safety, Warmth…

There is nothing I love more than waking up in my boyfriend’s arms wrapped tightly around me. This is a major improvement over my last bf who required that I sleep on the two-seater couch because he just couldn’t handle sharing the bed with me. There is so much about my relationship today that makes me incredibly happy, and I can’t imagine my life without my bf. We’re a bit co-dependent… ok, a lot co-dependent… but I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing.

However, as I get a bit older, I find myself around a lot of different types of men. Many who are more successful and established. The success doesn’t really matter to me, but the passion for getting out there and being excited about fully living does. I’m attracted to so many different types of people, but a fundamental element of this attraction is a lust for life. Being as I tend to be a negative person myself, it’s not good when I’m dating a Debbie Downer. We just bring each other down. And being as neither of us are incredibly social people — him by choice, myself by anxiety — we end up just drowning in our depression.

I always feel like I have to remind myself how much it sucks to be alone (because it does) and how much it sucks to have to be single and dating (because it really does) in order to not give into any sort of temptation for change. I can very clearly see what my life with my current bf will be. It won’t be filled with backyard barbecues and beer and good conversation with friends, or doing anything too social. It’s lonely because I have to put all the effort into any social relations outside of the two of us. And he’s just so quiet.

That said, before I put too much blame on him for the quietness, I really don’t have anything to say either. This makes it hard to start new relationships, for friendship or romantic reasons. After the first basic conversation, I get lost. I can talk about serious topics, but small talk is not a strong suit of mine. At least with my bf, we are comfortable sitting in silence over dinner. But that silence grates at me. I wish we could get into conversation about something… but what DO people talk about? We watch TV shows so we can occasionally have a short conversation about that — but we don’t follow sports or most mainstream topics. The news and politics just make us sad, and I get further depressed when he ends up making me sound like a conservative when he preaches his super liberal ideology.

There are a lot of things I find extremely sexy, and one of those is witty banter, sharp conversation, collaboration, creating together, even having a few glasses of wine together, I don’t feel like we have an adult relationship… we don’t because we’re not really adults, despite that he just turned 30 and I’m half way to 29. I don’t know if hanging out and drinking with friends really makes you an adult (or makes you healthy) but there’s something about being able to connect with the larger world through couplehood that my relationship is lacking. I wish I could marry my bf but still see other people for the excitement and connection I crave. Is that so terrible to want? No relationship is perfect. Clearly if I were with someone who had the excitement factor, they may be more likely to leave me for someone else who they find more exciting. I wouldn’t want to spend my life worried about this.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll look back in 10 years and be sad because I’ve lived a life of solitude, even one with amazingly sweet love. I feel like I haven’t really dated enough, even though I hate dating, to know one way or the other. But I can’t bring myself to even contemplating ending this relationship now… because there is so much I would miss. I haven’t had that problem in other relationships I’ve had, but with this one… maybe because all my few other relationships have been under two years and this one has been almost seven… but I’d miss him too much. I’d miss how he loves me. I’d miss the way he looks at me and how his green eyes sparkle with such sweetness. I’d miss his holding me when we watch TV shows and going to sleep and waking up in his arms.

But is that enough? I am working so hard now to establish a solid life for myself, financially, and I want a partner who I can explore the world with, who will expose me to new adventures and experiences. He’ll never be that person. I am not sure I need adventure, and I’m not sure life will allow it. But adventure doesn’t have to mean traveling around the world… it can just mean planning a surprise date, showing me something new, going to be social with friends… instead of just sitting at home, alone, together.