[edited to add: a lot of you have left comments offended by my question if it’s wrong to hope for some inheritance from one’s parents one day down the road. I responded to the comments, but also wanted to note higher up in the post for future readers — I agree my parents owe me nothing. They have already given me so much, and for that I’m grateful. My father raised me and my sister always mentioning how one day we’d get the house a long time in the future, so in the back of my mind I just thought that would happen. My dad worked his whole life spending 8 hours a day plus a long hour-and-a-half commute, and he made a sizable income. My mother, who took care of the kids and house, always spent frivolously and taught me very bad spending habits. She is very narcissistic and only thinks about others when it benefits her. Thus, my hurt more than anything is the difference between the way my father thinks in terms of leaving something behind to his children versus the selfish nature of my mother. My father is dying of cancer and my mother will likely survive much longer than him, with all the money he saved hard all his life to have and spend in retirement. Ultimately, while an inheritance would be nice, I’m not expecting it or depending on it. It’s more of the principle of the matter, if that makes any sense. One day when I have children and get older, I want to be able to leave them something, to have something to pass on after my life. I don’t want them to expect that of me, but as a mother that’s something I’d like to do if I have the financial means. In much of history and even today, a person’s wealth is determined by two things – family and ability. Maybe with a little luck thrown in. If you want to judge me for thinking about these things, go ahead. I’m sure I’m not the first person to think them and I won’t be the last.]
My dad, now retired and receiving a pension of over $4k a month, is watching his money flush down the train, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Well, perhaps there is, but any reasonable way of maintaining financial sanity within my family is overwhelmed by his inability to be rational and my mother’s complete lack of ability to comprehend reality.
I tried to help my family out. When I went home, I found out a bit more about the financial situation. My dad is retired, he has a little under $1 Mil in the 401k, which is less than it was, of course, since the market is in the shitter. That’s a decent sum for retirement, I guess, though they do say you should save $1 mil per adult, and that’s $1 Mil for 2. Regardless, that should be enough, if spending is wise. It doesn’t even have to be frugal. But my mom refuses to accept that money, even that much money, is finite.
So they took out a $190k home equity loan to build on a new room to the house recently, and while my dad is keeping up on paying the interest, he isn’t paying off more than a few hundred dollars of the principal every other month or so. He can’t. My mom is spending something like $7000 a month. Or more. It’s really sad. That’s on top of what my dad spends on living… mostly food and medical bills (oh, yea, he has cancer, and has tons of co-pays for his doctor’s appointments and drugs).
They don’t need to be spending that much. It’s mostly my mom’s fault when it comes to this. My dad doesn’t buy a lot. He has to spend the money on his medical bills. But my mom is just ridiculous. She spent $1000 on 5 pairs of shoes recently. When I ask her why she needed 5 pairs of shoes, she explains that when she finds something that fits she has to buy it, and a lot of it, because what if she never finds something that fits again?
Beyond the clothes, there’s jewelery, makeup, a cleaning service that costs $800 a month (to clean the house once a week), overspending on groceries ($800 a month), etc, etc. And of course the few hundred on QVC each month. Which she watches picture-in-picture on her big-screen TV at all times to make sure she doesn’t miss out on deals.
So… is it wrong to be upset that she will spend away any inheritance I might have otherwise one day seen? My dad is more of a saver than a spender, and he always said that he saved up enough money that one day he’d pass it on to us, his two daughters. But he’s not going to live as long as my mother is and she’ll be left with all of his savings to spend into debt. And that’s what she’ll do. At this rate, I don’t think 1 mil minus the $190 in home equity minus my sister’s college education will last her.
Even without considering a potential inheritance, this situation is whack. I keep trying to tell my mom to get a job but she says she doesn’t have time. Yea, because she’s spending her whole life glued to the TV and QVC. She says she spends all day cleaning, and the house is never clean enough, yada yada. It’s one excuse after another. My mom is absolutely crazy.
My dad has given up at trying to get her to budget. She doesn’t listen. He used to scream about it. Now he just screams about other things. It’s so messed up. And I can’t do anything about it… except just be wise about my own financial life. It’s hard to change my psychology of spending based on how my parents taught me about money, but I’m trying… really, really hard. Ok, sort of hard.