Tag Archives: parents

How Did My Father Leave Such a Financial Mess?

It has been a while since I’ve written about my mother’s financial situation because seeing the full picture of the train wreck that it is has taken time since my father’s passing. I think we now can see it – and it’s not a pretty picture.

We lived in a fantasy wackadoo financial world, and I never realized this until seeing the hard numbers after my father passed away last year. Sadly, there was a time when there was a significant amount of family wealth–but since my father retired early and then went on disability around age 55 and then got cancer and was told he had 2 years to live and then lived for 8 more, the money disappeared. Well, it was spent, and it was mispent.

My mother isn’t entirely at fault for this. Did she spend the money? Yes. But my father was abusive to her and not only would not let her be involved with the household finances but also told her that the financial situation was fine and she would be set for life. He told me that he had $50,000 set aside for my wedding and another $50,000 for my sisters (I would have never spent $50k had I understood the actual financial situation, and I do feel guilty about this and also want to help as much as I can at least up to that amount over time, but I can’t even afford a house right now so it seems like now is not that time – but down the road, should my mother be out of money, by then hopefully I can help.) Anyway, it was either one big fat lie or my father was delusional (and who knows what the strong cancer drugs did to his mind in those years, let alone his standard aging process.)

I’ll never know what happened. I know from around 2005 to 2018, my parents lost a significant chunk of wealth and it didn’t have to be that way. I know that I will always feel guilty for not stepping in sooner to really push them on their financial situation. I don’t know if I could have helped as my father, until close to the end of his life, kept this information to himself–he even did his own taxes (which was part of the problem–as he DIDN’T end up doing them for a few years) — and everything is clearer in hindsight but I just am not sure if I could have done anything at the time to help avoid this nightmare. Regardless, it’s too late to go back and change things. All I can do is try my best to help the current situation.

The current situation is that:

  •  my father’s supposed “paid” taxes were actually three years of unfiled, unpaid taxes, with two of those years having major amounts owed and massive penalties on top of these amounts – to the tune of $60k+
  • my father was unable to handle dealing with his certain death, despite having 10 years of living with a terminal illness, so my mother had to, the day after he died, race around to find a burial site and pay top dollar for their plots and the service, etc. This cost $30k. I couldn’t bring myself to push for cremation, even though I know it would have been cheaper. The $30k was also due to my mother picking a nicer cemetery (since she’d be buried there too!) and not having time to shop around. Then there was the reception after the funeral… it wasn’t at the fanciest place but everything adds up when you have a lot of people and last minute expenses.
  • So it turns out there was no money out of the IRA (just $400k in there, more on that in a bit) to pay that $30k, then put on my mother’s credit card. My uncle (father’s brother) kindly let her borrow the money to pay it, but she owes him it back by 2020, which is right around the corner. All this happened before realizing there was such a massive tax bill due!
  • my father (and mother) took out a home equity loan to the tune of $200k on a home valued $500k (which was paid off!!!) in order to add on to their house, renovate bathrooms, who knows what else. My mother has no idea what everything cost and sadly there are no records that we can find (which is shitty, because it makes her have to rush to sell the house, see next bullet – though maybe this is a good thing.) Anyway, there’s a $200k home equity line of credit that is tapped with variable interest that’s about $650 a month right now interest only that will be $1600-$1800+ starting May next year when she has to pay principle and interest…
  • I didn’t realize this, but after your spouse dies, you have 2 years to sell your house to get the $500k capital gains exclusion… after that time it goes back to $250k. If my mother and father kept good records of all the work they had done to the house over the years, this wouldn’t be an issue–but, shockingly, these records are no where to be found. My father supposedly, messy as he was, kept all his papers – so I’m hoping they will turn up somewhere, but so far, no luck in finding them…
  • the house is a money sink. This is the hardest for me because I grew up in that house and I’m so emotionally attached to it. I know a house is a house is a house and the memories made in it will never go away once it’s sold, and people sell their childhood homes everyday and it’s not like we could own the house forever—but that doesn’t change how hard selling the house will be for me. I don’t have a great memory… but when I’m back in those walls, my childhood comes flooding back, the good and the bad of it, and I feel like time isn’t slipping away quite so fast. I also dreamed of having my children visit my parents there–it’s a great “grandmas house” — to spend lazy summer days playing in the backyard on vacation as my mother watches my kid(s) run around… it’s just readjusting the plans I had and mourning the loss of my father, my childhood, my past. It has to happen sometime–why not now? But I don’t feel ready for it. I’m so not ready for it I’m wondering if there is a non idiotic way I can purchase the home and rent it back to my mother–just so she has access to the cash and we still keep the home in the family for another few years. I know I can’t even afford my own home living in The Bay Area BUT this would motivate me even more to keep my job and earn more money. The house is worth $500k-ish, and that’s actually affordable. If I can’t buy property here, then is it horrible to own property elsewhere?… but it’s in a high tax state and the taxes on that house are killer, and so is managing the property… it’s not a HUGE house but it’s certainly not small, and the land is expensive to take care of. It doesn’t make sense, but that doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about buying the house and helping my mom stay there for another few years and still get the $500k in capital gains exclusion in time…
  • In the years of financial recklessness, my parents purchased a “snowbird” condo in Florida. My father told my mother this was always going to be a vacation home, so they purchased a 2br/2ba condo for $60k and fixed it up for another $40k (or so I’m told) paying cash on this (which kills me because it was yet another expense that led to having to pay a bazillion dollars in taxes since all the money was held in the IRA and my dad then somehow failed to pay the right amount those years) — he could have taken a mortgage to buy the property and not paid for it all up front. He could have taken me up on my offer to pay for my wedding or at the least to pay for some of it since I had access to money and he could pay me back over time, if he really wanted to pay for the whole thing. But he was too prideful, or his brain was broken, or both. I wish I could ask him what the hell he was thinking. But they bought they condo. That $100k in cash, with tax penalties for taking the money out of the IRA and not filing/paying on time, probably ended up costing them $200k. I am not sure how to figure out how much money was lost by simply failing to manage the money left wisely due to it being in “tax advantaged” accounts, and I’m not sure it matters now–but I know there was a substantial amount lost because of extremely poor management.
  • The good news is that my mother set up the condo in Florida to meet her liking, and she seems happy there. It’s unclear if she will be happy living there full time since most people in the community go home for the summer and I worry she will be lonely. At least she is the type to be happy anywhere there is a pool and people willing to listen to her stories. But in the summers there it will be extremely hot and the pool area will be rather empty. Her sister also now lives in Florida but a 2 hour drive from her condo. I worry about her being alone, or more alone then I ever imagined she’d be. There’s nothing wrong with retiring to Florida (certainly tax wise it’s a good idea) but how can I manage to help her as she ages without other family close by to check on her, etc? And no money there to help put the proper support system in place?
  • My father was talked int putting an annuity with a death benefit in his IRA by a Bank of America rep. I talked to the rep after my father’s death and he shared why he thought it was a good idea (I’m unsure, but too late for it to matter.) My mother did get a ‘death benefit’ payout in the IRA, which is now sitting in cash, which is a problem, because of the $400k in the IRA, only $100k is in investments and the rest is sitting in cash – and I’m sure to afford her life the rest needs to at least be in bonds or something that is making money but it’s not. We want to hire a CFP but after working with my CFP (more on that in another post) I’m not sure what CFP is the right option as they’re quite expensive and CFPs typically don’t manage tax issues, or other weird issues like the ones my mother is facing. They can certainly run an analysis of when she’ll run out of money and when she has to sell the house, but we still don’t have the final tax bill so it’s hard to even run those numbers yet.
  • Taxes. Do we hire a lawyer or enrolled agent to help with attempting a penalty abatement and lower-cost-per-month payment plan? Another substantial expense and I’m not sure it’s worth it – I mean, it’s worth it if we can get the penalties abated and a good payment plan, but it seems like either we can do this ourselves or the IRS won’t allow this. My father apparently had a number of years where he already had a bad history of payment on time, so the IRS may just disallow our abatement request. However, I’m hoping with proper documentation on my father’s illness and also my mother’s documented abuse record, there’s a chance they’ll take off some or all of the penalties. Do we really need to spend $5000 on a lawyer to do this? I feel like I can probably help here and save that $5000, but if it doesn’t work my mother may blame me (even if it wouldn’t have worked with a lawyer) and if it does, but partially, then how will we know if we got the “best” deal? But all his money – $5000 for a tax lawyer, $5000 for a CFP, etc etc, needs to come from somewhere and that requires taking more out of the IRA. I’m trying at this point to help her avoid taking too much out of the IRA.
  • The good news – if there is any good news – is that my father did have a sizable pension and made sure to take the one that would provide lifetime income for my mother. That, with social security, amounts to something like a $50k-$70k salary before tax. A single person SHOULD be able to live on that income just fine…
  • But my mother is horrible at budgeting. That is to say she refuses to budget. I have her set up with a Mint account and I’m watching and documenting how much she spends on everything each month. She has definitely reduced her spending A BIT but I can’t get her to stop buying clothes “on sale” and spending on unnecessary items. Right now she is spending about $40,000 more than she earns per year, give or take as I’m not sure what her total tax liability is for this year. With $400k in the IRA, she is going to be in credit card debt in a few years at this rate. It will slow a bit once she gets the full SS amount (see blow), but not enough. Really the only way to stop the bleeding is to sell the primary house…
  • This is ESPECIALLY important this year because we have decided (and I’m not sure if it’s the right decision) to wait until she turns 66 to take the full survivors benefit for social security. If the math we ran was right, it will take about 17 years till break even on this choice – so it might not make any sense at all. I think it’s a pile of shit how social security works in that you’re supposed to get the same amount whether you live a long time or not long as all as long as you properly estimate when you’re going to die–because that’s an easy thing to guess.
  • My father made other bad money moves that have left residual issues. A few years ago my sister got into a car accident that wasn’t her fault. She earns minimum wage and although my parents paid for her car in full she didn’t have the type of insurance on it that would pay out in the case of a hit and run. Well, she was in a hit and run and her car was totaled. She was willing to pay a certain amount for a new car (about $10,000) but my father decided that $10,000 was not enough to get a car that was “safe” he would pay $5000 on top of that for her to get a certified pre-owned Toyota Corolla. That certainly was nice of him to do, and would make sense if he had the money to spend in the first place.  He did decide not to pay for this in cash entirely and instead to take out a low interest loan offered by the dealership, you know, while he had a terminal illness… without thinking what happens to the non-transferable warranty or Gap insurance he paid for in the purchase price when he died. So now another issue is figuring out what to do with my sister’s car… about $6000 is left owed on it, and my sister has been dutifully making monthly payments on the % she owes, but apparently once the person on the loan dies it’s necessary to pay off the loan with the estate (so I’ve read) or take a new loan out to pay off that loan. My sister assumes my mother will pay off the loan and she can pay her back, which is fine except that will require taking $ out of the IRA to do and that will cost more than $6000. So I suggested my sister look into how much a new loan would cost (I assume the interest on a loan — if she could get one — would be quite high.) I told her find out what this would be and then let’s talk. I could possibly loan her the $ at a much lower interest rate. Maybe I should just give her the money at 0% interest rate (and I might) but I’m trying to strategically figure out where I should be offering money to help with the whole mess across the board, while also trying to save for a down payment and afford my life. I don’t mind loaning her the money and maybe even for 0% interest but I want her to take the steps of figuring out how much it should cost her to get a loan and at least be an adult about this.
  • My sister finally moved out of the house and in with her boyfriend and she got a job that pays shitty but at least has benefits. So my sister is no longer living rent free (with high utility bills) in my mother’s house, so that will bring down costs a bit, but I’m worried about my sister’s financial well being in the long run. She has no retirement savings and isn’t listening to me when I’ve told her to put aside more money for emergencies and such. I ran her budgets and I know it’s tight and she thinks I don’t understand living in relative poverty but she can be making better decisions overall and I’m hoping eventually she listens to me so I can help her start on the path to financial security. I’ve always said I would never let her end up on the street and I definitely wouldn’t, but I want her to at least take responsibility to try to manage her money better. She doesn’t have any debts outside of the car situation, so that’s good, but she also doesn’t have enough money in an emergency fund and it’s different now that my mother can no longer afford to help her out if needed. I can, as long as I don’t own a house and I keep my job, but I really want her to try as hard as possible for it not to come to that. It’s not like she spends a fortune on things, but when you make that little you have to be even more cautious with your budget.
  • There is so much crap in the house that selling it will be a nightmare. My father has always been a “collector” of (likely) worthless stuff — paintings and sculptures from art shows, baseball figurines, records and CDs and DVDs, books, and who knows what else. Maybe some of it is worth something but selling it all and determining if any of it is worth more than pennies on the dollar is going to take more time than it’s worth. Once he was diagnosed with terminal cancer his collecting definitely increased. I get it – he was dying and collecting was a hobby and maybe helped him feel like he wasn’t in such a horrible position. Still, I wish there was some fiscal logic in the behavior those last years the my parents should have been downsizing anyway, not buying more stuff.
  • My father almost built an additional storage unit in the back of our house (the house already has 3 attics!) as my mother is a hoarder and has run out of room for stuff. Did I mention I’m not looking forward to cleaning out the house to prepare it for sale?
  • My parents spent a lot on making the house accessible and livable for my father. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but the amount of years of use vs the probably better thing to do of selling the house years ago and moving to an accessible building just is sad when you look at it from a sheer numbers perspective. Even if they did want to stay, they could have more wisely spent those dollars, and less of them, to make it livable but not to the point of spending way more than the house will ever be worth.
  • Meanwhile, parts of the house are falling apart. The oven has been broken for years. Who knows when a new roof is needed (not my mother, that’s for sure.)  There will be costly updates before selling the house likely that weren’t handled with all the money spent on additions and renovations.
  • He paid for years into long term care but ended up not using it at the end because to use it he would have to admit he was dying soon and he never could. He also wanted to be home and the LTC policy did not cover the full amount of in home care, so I think he knew he didn’t have the money to use it- but unfortunately was unable to have an honest conversation about this – so his last months were spent first in the hospital, then in rehab, and then for a horrible few weeks at home where my mother could not properly care for him, and then his condition worsening (who knows if it would have been better if he never went home or had actual in-home care), and then back in the hospital and then back in a different rehab where he died. That whole process is a long blog post or a book of trauma which haunts me and makes me feel sick every time I think about it. But from a financial perspective, it was just extremely sad that he didn’t use his long term care policy when he needed it most. Meanwhile he stopped paying for my mother’s LTC policy years ago because he said it was “too expensive.” Well, now it’s too late to get her one (probably) and she probably will be the one who needs it. I’m terrified of what happens as my mother ages. She may be a looney toon but she’s still my mother and I want to make sure she’s as ok as one can be in her senior years.
  • My father constantly mentioned wanting to pass money down to his children (myself and my sister) and while at this point I do not expect that, it’s still sad that he made this comment time and again (esp for my sister since he saw her as incapable of taking care of herself) and now there’s basically nothing left. I don’t know how to advise my mother on this as I don’t want to have anything to do with whether or not she cares to pass money down to her children (and I certainly don’t feel like I have the right to anything) but I am worried about my sister and I also just think it’s sad that this was so important to my father but he failed to set things to up to make sure it happened. As a parent now, and one who hopefully accumulate substantial wealth, I want to make sure my child(ren) are set up to be ok even if the world goes to shit.

Well, I’m sure I’m forgetting and/or not seeing other financial issues that will come up. Thus far we’ve successfully filed 2015-2017 taxes (and have an extension on 2018) so that’s step 1. Baby steps. I see the light at the end of the tunnel here, once the taxes and loans are paid off, and the main house is sold. I think her Florida condo, as a full time dwelling, should help her get to at least break even for a few years, and hopefully she can even save some of the pension and social security money at some point to increase her investments and stretch out what’s left of the IRA.

Update on the Whole My Mom’s Finances are Fucked Situation

Sorry for the foul language, but hey, when things are fucked, there isn’t a better way to describe the situation than the appropriate terminology.

The saddest of all is that THEY SHOULDN’T BE FUCKED. At first, I felt super guilty for letting my dad convince me that he had $50,000 set aside for my wedding to spend without, I don’t know, asking to see all of his bank statements before signing the contract for my venue and vendors. Ok, I still feel super ridiculously guilty about this.  I feel guilty for never saying thank you in the right way for this generous gift.

BUT – it turns out, the $50,000 wedding was just one financial mistake in a list of what may be hundreds. Even if I were to repay my mother back every penny, she’d still be in quite the pickle. And I’m willing to repay every penny (my father would never let me do that, but he’s not here anymore, so there’s that.)

I’ve run the numbers. I put them in front of her face. I try to share how each year, not counting the tax debts and family loan she’s overspending her income $40,000-$50,000. Despite her $50/$60k or so after tax income with her SS and Pension, she’s still draining her IRA. She keeps saying she’ll take money out of the IRA. I keep telling her the IRA won’t last forever or anywhere near it.

The house has to go. I really, really, really don’t want it to go. I know it’s just a house. It’s just a stupid piece of property with a dumb room that I lived in for my first 17 years of life. It’s just a dumb piece of wood that has so many memories good and bad all jumbled up in it that I see maybe twice a year if I manage to make it out to the east coast that often and with it I can escape back to childhood and feel like there’s some sense of stability in the crazy fucked up world, but that’s not enough reason to keep a house that’s costing my mother $40,000+ a year to maintain and that isn’t even counting big fixes like… needing a new oven (it hasn’t worked in years now) or a roof or carpeting or anything else.

But I tell her over and over again that the house needs to go, and now that I’ve run the numbers, sooner than later. I tell her I’d love if there was a way to keep it, but there isn’t, and the best thing to do financially is to sell it ASAP. That means starting work on getting it ready for sale NOW. But she’s down in Florida in her winter condo, swimming for a few months. I’ll give her this winter — her abusive husband just died and left her with a bunch of unexpected debts and she needs to just get away and have some time to relax and not think about it. But then she’ll say in summer it’s too nice out and she has to go to the pool and she doesn’t have time to clean. My sister, who lives in the house for free, btw, works a minimum wage job and always says she is too tired to help with anything (her job does require her to be on her feet all day) but she lives there for free and really is no help… physically or financially….

I wish there was some way to have reasoned with my father about his spending… but he’d just blame my mother for HER spending. Well, they both spent too much. I understood and empathized with him wanting to spend his retirement income before he passed away. But he didn’t need to buy a zillion worthless paintings and sculptures at local art fairs (that now represent a rather large collection which has to be sold or donated or trashed) or all the worthless “collectables” and my mom didn’t have to spend so much on shopping and they both probably should have moved to a smaller property a long time ago (vs buying a second home which was cheap to buy but expensive to own in Florida) and…

I just feel absolutely sick because no matter how many different ways I spin the numbers they don’t work unless she sells the home. The whole tax situation is a trainwreck as well, as we’re now awaiting to find out what penalties will be assessed on some very late taxes that he refused to let my mother file on time and lied to her about having the correct amounts paid off (maybe he thought he did, I think he lost his mind in these last few years.)

You know, even at the end, my mom had to rush around to find a cemetery plot and paid top dollar because my father couldn’t handle thinking about these things and kept putting it off, despite being diagnosed with a terminal illness 13 years ago and told he had 2 years to live. Even after all that. So my mother ended up spending god knows what on the cemetery plots for both of them and funeral home expenses and all that, plus a brunch at a decent restaurant afterwards and poof there goes the money that my father said was saved for my sister’s wedding! Oh, and there was no liquid assets to speak of so my mother had to put it all on her credit card. My uncle did offer a $30k loan after we asked him for help to pay off the bills but that’s coming due next year as well and I’m sure he wants his money back and I unofficially said I’d be on the hook for it if she couldn’t pay or some reason. They have a legal agreement signed so he gets proceeds from the house when it’s sold. All that, just to pay for a funeral my father couldn’t properly plan for because he wanted to be immortal. I wanted him to be immortal to, but clearly we cannot have what we want.

And I feel guilty about moving away but I also know if I was there every second of every day these last 10 years it would be no different as my father only complained about my mother’s overspending but never ever would look at the bigger picture. I understand that being terminally ill was horrific and he couldn’t admit it to anyone so instead he just bought things as they made him feel like he would live forever, I guess, but those things are just things and I wish there was a way to bring him back and somehow give him happiness without having to just spend all this money on so much stuff that now has to be sold just to sell the house…

Even with the house sold, my mother will still be overspending, but I think she’ll be ok… if she were to sell the house immediately, which she won’t do. She says she needs years to clean it out. The reality is that she needs help to clean it out. A lot of help. Emotional and physical help. It will be very hard and stressful. It will be very hard for me as well. I certainly will struggle to part with my childhood furniture, which I thought one day might be used for my own children (especially if I had a girl), but it probably doesn’t make sense to ship it across the country, esp given right now I live in a one bedroom apartment with no room for it.

I wish I had a zillion dollars and could just throw money at this problem and be done with it. So. I have some liquid assets right now and I’m tempted to do just that. I mean, my parents paid for my college education AND my wedding so it wouldn’t be the strangest thing to pay my mom back now and help her out financially. But I also have a child and need to support my own family as I’m the breadwinner and I have serious mental illnesses and I can’t maintain my jobs for long enough and I still can’t afford a house.

I’m really struggling and I’m not sure what to do. I can just let her run out of money in a few years and go into debt, but then what? Do I just say “I told you so?” A few years ago I set her up with a Mint account and tried to teach her how to budget and it went nowhere. I think she’s starting to get why she needs to budget but she refuses to, so what do I do? She can’t spend $700 a month on food (I get how she can, I’ve done it before, but she can’t) and she especially can’t if she’s keeping the family home with its $700/mo variable home equity payments that will pop up to $1700/mo in 2020 and also whatever this tax payment plan of ~$1000/mo will be for 72 months…

Then these tax lawyers and enrolled agents want $3k-$4k to help her reduce her penalties for taxes and I’m sitting here thinking maybe we should just try to do this ourselves because she doesn’t have $3k-$4k to pay for help (if we can do it ourselves) and I’m just sick of feeling like I have to protect her from vultures who prey on the weak but also don’t want to be stubborn like my father and refuse help when it’s needed.

I could give her $100,000 but it wouldn’t solve anything, it would just delay the inevitable. I’d rather save the $100,000 for when she’s older if she really needs the support, vs now when she’d just spend it on things she doesn’t “need” though she’d say she does.

So that’s the state of that.

A Widowed Mother Who Lost Her Wealth (And a Grieving Daughter Trying to Help)

My family was never wealthy, but for my entire life we’ve been more than comfortable–comfortable enough to not pay close attention to our spending. While we never took lavish vacations (unless paid for by points acquired through my father’s work), we didn’t budget. We should have.

As an adult with my own job and an understanding of the value of a dollar (and my motto – no matter how much you make, every cent counts), I’ve managed to build up a networth of over $650k, give or take, at age 35. I want to be proud of that. I want to enjoy this as some sort of accomplishment. But I can’t. I can’t because I feel incredibly guilty and lost when it comes to helping my mother out of the financial mess she is in right now.

Some may look at her situation and say it’s not that bad. I guess it isn’t, but it will be soon if she doesn’t plug up the holes in her sinking ship. Not all of the holes are her fault–but she’s just so delusional and has no ability to stop spending. It is impossible for me to advise her beyond subtle suggestion that she cease spending when my parents paid for my college education, a nice wedding, and an overall nice life. Part of me feels like I ought to help her out and provide the funds to plug up some of those holes. And–most of me knows that even if I were to give her my entire $650k, she’d still find a way to burn through it.

This is a long story… a very long story… and one that is keeping me up at 2am with a newborn who is sleeping so I really ought to be sleeping. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything but let my mind spin on this giant dilemma, trying to find some sort of solution to the puzzle. There isn’t one that’s pretty or that my mother will agree to. But, after sitting back and letting my recently-deceased father make a mess of the finances in his last years of life (not that I had much say in that, but I could have maybe done something… more on that in a minute)… I feel like NOW I have the opportunity to stop this sinking ship before it reaches the bottom of the ocean.

The picture was looking rather unfortunate on the first go-round of budget vs income that I quickly ran after my father passed away this summer and my mother had to make some decisions about her social security survivor’s benefits (which are confusing as hell, yet to be fully understood, and the subject of another post I’ll write one day.)

As we did more digging, we uncovered that in 2014 there was $1M in an IRA. By 2017, only $400k remained. During that time, there was the purchase of a second home which cost, including renovations, about $100k (or maybe more because my parents seemed to always underestimate the cost of their renovations and not keep tab.) There was my wedding, which, at $50k, was a lovely affair and something that made my dying father beam with joy, but was an event that never should have happened given the financial situation my father either somehow didn’t understand or hid from me and the family. He said, over and over again, he had $50k set aside for my wedding and $50k for my sister’s. He said many things. I’ll never know if he was delusional due to the cancer drugs, unrelated mental illness, old age, or maybe just a serial liar–to not only us but himself.

When he was working he was bringing in good money, at least for a middle class household. Ironically the man who left his family without a stable retirement spent his life’s work as an actuary–planning pensions for companies and accessing risk of running out of money to fund those pensions. I try to find humor in this.

But then, and I guess I didn’t realize this since I was already away at college, he stopped working around age 55 due to his obesity and mobility issues, and then shortly after that began collecting disability. His work paid out nicely for a few years, and also offered a good pension, but the reality was (and where I was blind sighted is) that the amount coming in did not cover the amount spent. I don’t know the exact gap, but it was substantial, and ignored.

Although the wedding was a big expense and the second home purchase wasn’t for pennies,  what really did them in, based on my research into the last 10 years of spending, was their crazy high expenses. My mother, ever in denial, would say she doesn’t spend like rich people do, then come home with piles of clothes “on sale” from Chicos or some “non luxury” store, not to mention a pile of face creams on auto-purchase from QVC and who knows what else. Then, there was the dining out bills, and the $600-a-month house cleaning services (I’ve convinced her to drop that to 2x at $300 a month.)

I’m not one to judge how they spent their money — they had a right to spend it any way they wanted. And I understand my father, facing certain death, wanted to enjoy his limited wealth in his final years. It was just the perfect storm of financial chaos. Even his long term care policy, dutifully paid into for many years, likely costing over $20,000, ended up going unused because he refused to admit he was dying–or, perhaps because he realized that the policy didn’t actually cover enough to not require dipping further into the shrinking retirement savings left.

With this, I’m left to wonder if my father, as ill as he was, didn’t go to doctors outside of his cancer doctor because he hated going to the doctor–or, if part of this was because he couldn’t afford the treatment. In the end it wasn’t the cancer that killed him, but issues with his heart and blood pressure–perhaps related to his cancer treatments, but undoubtedly something he could have had treated better over his life and especially those final years… but he chose to only focus on his cancer. If his goal was to die of something other than cancer, then he succeeded. I’m pretty sure his goal was to live forever and he couldn’t think of the world any other way. I get that, no one wants to admit they’re dying–but when you are facing a terminal illness and are told you have 2 years to live (and then you manage to live more than 10) at the very least you can pick out a funeral plot and prepay for a burial, not leaving your wife to run around to cemeteries the day after you die to pay the highest possible amount for both of your graves (yes, this happened. Yes, I was out-of-my-mind with a one-week-old at this time, trying to provide advice.)

But now–now the biggest issue, and the one I find saddest–is that we’ve uncovered a horrible situation regarding taxes. Taxes unfiled and unpaid. All of the numbers I’ve been running to try to save her primary home in the northeast–which, while worth $500k, has a $200k home equity loan out on it, by the way–were thrown out the window. And I threw my hands in the air. I give up. This is looking bleak. Sure, she can cut all of her spending. She can stop the house cleaning services and limit work on the house to only vital fixes for a while… nothing cosmetic. But even then, she starts dipping into that small $400k IRA immediately–which shrinks to almost nothing after the taxes are paid, and she has nothing left to pay the home equity that comes due in 2020 and flips to principle and interest at 3x what she’s currently paying.

In short, the only real answer is to sell one of the properties, and sooner than either of us would like. I’ve told her clearly that the northeast home, while a place that holds all of my memories as a child, and one I’d love to keep, is a complete money suck and sadly I think it needs to go. She agrees, but wants years to clean it out (she’s a hoarder and my attempts to help her get rid of things on my last visit, outside of taking care of a 3 month old, did not make a lot of progress.) I selfishly want the house to stick around for a while too–although it won’t be the home for my “dream” visits with my family… holiday visits to grandma and grandma — long summer nights with my kid(s) playing in the backyard through the sprinklers, running after fireflies like I did as a child–I thought maybe a smidgen of this could exist.

I know a house is just home and a home is just a house. I’ve lived enough places since leaving that house now… gasp… 18 years ago. I mean, I knew, deep down, we couldn’t hold on to it forever. Mom would move out when dad died at some point. But either time went by too fast or I didn’t think it would be this soon. She clearly wants to stay there… but it’s not possible, especially not with the vacation home as well.

She could potentially sell the vacation home, which would pay off some of the home equity. But she doesn’t want to do that, and I think it wouldn’t be wise anyway–they invested quite a bit in renovating that property and, while it’s small, it is a good place for her to live in her “young” old age. Even though some of her friends still live in our development in the northeast, many are moving away, and few still go to the social gatherings she goes to–whereas the 55+ community with the vacation home is filled with active seniors, at least in the winter months. I’m worried about how she’ll like it there in the summer when it gets extremely hot with violent storms and most of the residents leave to the north–but maybe she’ll be ok. She seems to find people to talk to wherever she goes (or talk “at”, but to her there’s no difference and she’s pleased either way.) So, the financial planner in me says — get her out of the northeast home as fast as possible. Like, yesterday fast.

But she’s committed to not moving until at least 2020, and she still thinks she can make it there much longer. She keeps asking me how long she can stay and I try to explain to her that there’s no exact number because the question becomes how much she needs left in her IRA to grow to afford her lifestyle–AND what is going to happen to her later in life if she needs long term care (since my father cancelled her long term care policy years ago saying it was too expensive.)

Now, she does have an after-tax income of $60k+ per year once she gets full social security benefits. That’s pretty darned good. If she had one home, especially one home that doesn’t cost as much as one with a lot of property and an aging architecture, then maybe she’ll be fine. She can sell the house, pay off the home equity, take the remaining $250k or so to pay off the taxes (est $80k) and family loan ($30k), and then take the remaining $150k and, ideally, invest that somewhere safe, while slowly drawing down the IRA and minimizing tax damage in the future.

She could, alternately, sell the vacation condo and put that money into the northeast home, but the costs are just too high there and she’ll still run out of money. I think with the vacation home she can actually live on her income, even if she wants to travel to visit her grandson or spend some time in NY.

The problem is, the longer she stays in the NJ home, the harder it is to ensure her life when she moves is financially ok. What I don’t want to happen is that she burns through her IRA in a few years because of credit card bills and loans and having to pay this ridiculous amount of taxes that sadly are just so high because of penalties due to my father not filing (yes, getting to that in a minute)…

So the taxes… I really don’t know what happened. My father always, ALWAYS paid the right amount each year. He didn’t always file on time–but if you pay the right amount and don’t file the IRS doesn’t actually care. Somehow, whether on purpose or by massive mistake, he was short about $23k one year and $18k the next. The $42k in taxes owed is crappy, but the penalties on that because it was never fixed are what is extraordinarily sad. For that money, not only did he take too much out of the IRA in two years to cause such high taxes owed, but he ALSO then didn’t pay those taxes or file or anything. I want to ask him WHY? But I can’t. Because, you know, he died. And I’m still dealing with processing that and all these feelings I have around wanting to empathize with him for being such a sad, sick man but also then being angry and grateful and who knows what else–is why I can’t sleep.

I’m now looking at any tax relief available to my mother, but it seems unlikely she will get any help from the IRS. Innocent Spouse theoretically applies to her–my father was abusive to her for years and refused to let her partake in household finances, even when she offered, and later, begged–especially regarding the taxes. He would yell at her and occasionally become violent. There are even police records of this (though not in the years the taxes are owed.) But “innocent spouse,” as far as I can tell, is for partners who lied on their returns. Well, he didn’t file a return, so there’s not much innocent spouse we can claim…

Now there is an abatement of penalty clause where, if you were in good standing the 3 years before the year you failed to file, you can get the penalties waived for that one year. But you only get to do this once. Not only was my father failing to file year after year (always having paid the full amount on time except apparently in 2011 when he had a small payment plan), it’s impossible to know if he already requested this one time penalty abatement. There are no records. He did all of his own taxes. My mother is perplexed–after going through all the of the papers… she says to me, it doesn’t make sense–where are all the taxes? The papers from the IRS?

My theory is he, either strategically or in a rage or in a fit of paranoia, threw them all out one day. Maybe he just straight up lost his mind and got rid of a box of important things by accident. Maybe he realized he did that and was so ashamed he just gave up on ever doing the taxes. Who knows.

One thing is for sure – he refused help–even from his few close friends and his family. And, for a man who said he wanted to leave his family with wealth and ensure his wife was financially ok for the rest of her life (which never made sense to me given how emotionally abusive to her on a daily basis) he sure made quite the mess. He just couldn’t admit he was struggling. He had way too much pride. And, in his final years, he didn’t want to accept his mortality. He told my mother she was overspending, but then he’d overspend himself. He once asked my mother how much my aunt and uncle gave me for my wedding — $500. He immediately wrote out a check to their daughter for $600! It wasn’t about generosity with him, though he’d like you to think it was. It was always about showing off how generous he was.

Even during the year of my wedding–I offered to pay for more of the wedding up front, even if he wanted to pay, so he wouldn’t have to withdraw so much out of his IRA that year. I knew the taxes would be high. No, he said. He was offended by the suggestion. He had the money and he wanted to spend it. Yes, I have guilt for spending it, but I didn’t know how bad things looked. Last I heard there was still $1M in the bank and a home that was paid off. I failed to dig in too much–but as blind as I was with eyes shut to the downfall of the great American dream, my mother seemed to have clawed her eyes out in order to be incapable of looking.

So now what? I have my own life to sort out here. I’m doing well, but have a long way to go. My first batch of RSUs vest in a few weeks… and with that I should have a $50k bonus after tax (should the stock market not completely disintegrate before Christmas) and I could say, you know what, mom, you guys paid for my college and wedding, and now I’m gifting you $50k (or, $15k in 2018 and $15k in 2019 and so on.) But what good would that really do? She needs to understand the value of money. I think I’m starting to get through to her a little bit. I paid for dinner the other night and she actually said thank you. It’s not that I want her to have to thank me – it’s that I want her to realize the value of a dollar. It may be too late to fix this mess… but maybe it isn’t. Maybe I can gift her a happy next however many years she has… for as narcissistic and childish as my mother is, I still think she’s been beaten down by an emotionally abusive mother then an emotionally and physically abusive husband, and she deserves the right to happiness in her old age. She has to throw out the clutter and really be wiling to simplify… and that would be good for all of us.

I just don’t know if I can convince her of this in time, and also let go from my crazy ideas to “save” my childhood home by either purchasing it or providing enough money in gift form to pay off the home equity or… plenty of bad ideas that not only wouldn’t help stop the bleeding, but also could financially ruin me as well. So I hope we can all make the right decisions and fast enough to stabilize and move on from this challenging period of our lives.

Can you teach empathy? Pregnant daughter of narcisstic parents would like to know…

My sister and I surprised my parents this weekend with the news – I’m pregnant. While I envisioned the surprise – in a normal, loving family -to go something like this…

My parents would meet my sister, who was visiting for the weekend, and she would enter their condo and go to her room to pull out a gift from me to give to them, without them knowing. I would call “from the west coast” as a coincidence, to say hi, and they’d mention my sister just arrived. Then my sister would give them the “gift” and they’d open it to see inside something that clearly stated they were going to be grandparents. At the moment they were having a loving, emotional, “we’re so happy for you” reaction, I’d knock on the door and they’d be further surprised that I was there, not across the country, to celebrate with them this wonderful news. We’d embrace and cry, especially since they know and understand how much we’ve wanted children and how hard it has been to get pregnant, and we’d all go out to celebrate, excited for them to be grandparents, excited for my sister to be an aunt, and excited for myself and my husband to soon be bringing new life into the world. Continue reading

Wedding Regrets Two Years Later

Weddings are strange capitalistic creatures, especially in America. There are frugal weddings – which can be very personal and lovely – and then there’s the big “wedding venue” wedding, where it’s easy to suddenly spend an extra $10,000 and not be sure how it happened.

My wedding was the later. One of the days I’ll get around to writing a post tallying up all the costs — but I estimate that after my and my family’s generous contributions, the wedding cost $70k-$80k (my budget was a very reasonable $50k – but clearly I failed at staying in budget.) Do I regret going over budget? Not exactly. I’m the all or nothing type, and even though our wedding wasn’t huge by east coast standards (we had about 130 guests, minus a few last-min no shows.) I regret things that I didn’t know then — I regret pouring money into things that I thought would solve for potential issues, when I missed many cost-free opportunities to prevent the magical and glorious nightmare that was my wedding day. Continue reading

Florida

Surprise Trip to Florida to Tell Parents I’m Pregnant

As of today, I’m 7 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Due 8/4/18. I don’t particularly feel 7w4d pregnant, but that’s what the doctor tells me I am, and what my ultrasound reveals. Given I went through infertility treatment, I know pretty much exactly when conception happened. Isn’t science amazing?

Anyway, I’ve yet to tell my parents I’m pregnant. There are a few reasons for this. One, it’s ok to wait until your second trimester to tell anyone you’re with child, given miscarriage rates are high. Continue reading

Smile, Though Your Heart is Breaking: My Memoir

The older I get, the more visits with the parental unit become concrete episodes of psychological disorder ripe for analysis, versus emotional jabs to the heart. An obese, hot-tempered and narcissistic father dying from not one but two-types of cancer yet beating the odds thus far despite terminal illness, and a mother who has no ability to process emotion and who lives solely for capturing life in posed photographs where everyone looks happy, never mind how they actually feel.

When I hear of yet another occurrence of my father jabbing my mother with his cane or throwing her phone against the room, shattering its screen, or him calling her any number of degrading terms, I can’t help but blame the victim, or see them both as victims, as she has no ability to empathize with others, only to nag and focus solely on the illusion of happiness in moments captured on camera with no context to the disorder and discomfort underneath.

If I were to write a memoir, perhaps its title would be – Smile, though your heart is breaking. I had rationalized throughout my life that every family takes photos, that smiling and looking pretty in pictures was a normal part of life – which is it, if not to the extent of addiction to photographs without having the ability to live in the moment. The measure of the success of any life event or family outing could be measured in two ways — did my father not have an outburst, and did my mother capture photographs of everyone smiling at the camera with our eyes open and teeth showing just the right amount.

Yesterday, I had to stop my father from flinging across the room the $700 point-and-shoot camera I had purchased as a gift to my mother for the wedding. At dinner with my grandmother, sister and parents, my mother asked the waitress to take a photo on her phone, which inevitably didn’t come out that great because it was dark and the phone doesn’t take good pictures, so she asked the waitress to take another photo on the camera instead. This prompted my father to threaten to toss the camera across the room in a way where you knew he was serious. His mother luckily talked him down and the photo was taken by the waitress, albeit with my father purposely with the back of his head to camera.

Earlier in the day, a friend from childhood came over to visit. She was in town as the same time as I was by coincidence, but she actually had planned to see my parents at the time when she didn’t know I would be there. She came over and talked to us for a bit – time wise it was not ideal as we had to leave for dinner with my grandmother. We had to say goodbye and get going to be on time, but of course, my mother needed to take pictures of us smiling for the camera. My father nearly struck her with his cane, but company was present so he somewhat behaved himself. He took a swing as to threaten, but did not get near her.

I hear that this year when they were at their winter condo in Florida, with no one watching the moment, he struck her on the side. She knows that’s not ok, but at this point it’s just her life.

Mom complains about going to the hospital with my father for his surgeries, and shares that she is not looking forward to “taking care” of him if (when) his cancer gets worse. It breaks my heart that she can’t empathize or sympathize with her husband of all these years, of another human being who is dying of cancer and who has his best years behind him. But then I remember all the things my father has done to her, and I can’t blame her for her reaction – though it would be the same if he were a loving, kind man, she’d still only care about herself. She’d still complain about how the events are harming her life, not showing any modicum of care for another human life.

Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it’s breaking. — I see my family infrequently, and when I do, I always remember why I moved so far away. I wish I could have a close relationship with them, but that just isn’t in the cards…

I knew, getting out of the car, that my jeans had shifted too low and my shirt to high, and my stomach, plump with the roundness of a long winter’s depression and its related binge eating, was protruding in a non-flattering fashion. My father, of course, had to comment. “I am going to say it,” he said, and I knew what was coming. He paused, for a moment, clearly about to say I look fat but instead shifting the language to say “you should change before we go to grandma’s, she won’t appreciate how you are dressed.” I took a deep breath and said “I just need to pull my shirt down,” and left it at that. Years ago the comment would have been more direct towards my weight gain, but I think at this point since I have a husband he doesn’t bother me with that, only the inappropriateness of my clothing choices, despite having just traveled to visit them.

I know it could be worse – much, much worse. I’ve heard stories of friends who have parents who have done horrible things, or who just weren’t there at all. Parents who were divorced, who got remarried, who dated abusive men or women and alcoholics and drug addicts. Plenty of people are born into much worse situations – perhaps into loving families, but in areas of the world riddled with war. Few, in th history of time, come from healthy, stable families. Some do. And those who come from stable households often struggle with life when it gets rough unable to handle any imperfections. Perhaps in a way being hardened early is a blessing as life only gets more emotionally challenging over time, with the loss of loved ones built into not one the status quo, but the inevitable.

I’m trying to break free of all of this to find myself – before I have my own family. I have a wonderful husband who is everything to me. As I said to a friend the other day — one can be grateful and still miserable. Today, that’s me. Grateful, but broken. Appreciative, but empty. In awe all that I have, but have long forgotten what happiness feels like, my mental definition of the emotion locked in as a moment where I tilt my chin lightly downward, pull my shoulders back, open my mouth slightly with lips tilted upwards at the smile, and wait for the flash to capture the shell of a person who appears to be having a wonderful time.

The Slow March of Death: My Father’s Cancer and Necessary Denial of Mortality

Yesterday, I joked with my husband that it’s difficult to say “poor dad” in any scenario. My father, with his chronic narcissism, is quick to blame you with a massive guilt trip for any slight mistake, to debate your opinion to the ground telling you you’re flat out wrong, and to make thousands of careless mistakes only to get extremely angry at you if you dare to call him out on any of them. Yesterday was a day when “poor dad” would be the tinge of empathy I feel for him bubbles to the surface.

It has been nearly 10 years since the doctors told him that he has an aggressive form of late-stage prostate cancer and he had “two years” to live. He is 67, and with all his health issues – his obesity, his diabetes which he fails to keep in check, and the cancer which was supposed to take his life long ago, has surpassed the lifetime of Carrie Fisher and many others who have died too young. Still, there is never a good time to die, and despite his personality shortcomings we all want him to live as long as possible and as comfortably as possible. I had a bit of a breakdown years ago about his looming mortality, and then as time passed and the drug concoctions they put him on started to slow down the growth of his cancer we all just put the thoughts of death out of our minds. He briefly lost weight and seemed a bit happier. Then he returned his old habits – overeating, yelling horrible things at my mother, and being his typical anxious, narcissistic, grouchy self. Continue reading

Why I Can’t Even With Small Talk… And Medium Talk Even.

What are you supposed to talk about with your family that isn’t god awful over the course of a normal dinner out? I don’t see my family all that often, so you’d think we’d have things to discuss. Yet the conversation usually goes something like this, in no particular order…

  • How is your job? Do you still have a job? (It’s ok. I still have a job.) There’s nothing really more to discuss about my job because no one understand what I do and it’s not interesting to them, so that’s pretty much the extend of that conversation.
  • Politics – whoever is in office is doing a good job or isn’t and everyone at the table will have an opinion but according to my dad his is the only right open
  • Did Mr. HECC apply to grad school yet? Is he going to get another job / figure out what he doing with his life? (*this comes up only when he is not in the room)
  • Other family issues du jour as long as it’s about “not our direct family” — cousin tried to attempt suicide? Let’s all solve her problem over dinner. Aunt and uncle about to get a divorce? Good idea or bad idea — it’s the perfect time to debate this.
  • Let’s gossip about whoever else we all know…
  • Complain about something else…
  • Be sad for a moment about someone who has passed away…
  • Return to complaining or gossiping.
  • Bonus – not yet, but you know they want to bring it up – when are you having kids / buying a house / growing up like a real adult now that you are married…?

Do other families talk about anything else over dinner conversation?  I guess all that’s left is entertainment and sports, and since I don’t talk about sports that leaves talking about television or movies or books or other productions. But that conversation is rather bland and again someone at the table has an opinion that must be right even if I hate the show clearly I’m in the wrong on that one.

What should families talk about? Or, for that matter, what should people talk about? I occasionally like to tell stories about things that have happened but most often I don’t know what to say. Even with friends / peers / coworkers this is an issue. I never know what to talk about.

 

My Parents Are Actually Not That Great with Money

When I grew up I knew two things to be fact – my dad was talented at earning money and my mom was equally talented at spending it. My mother constantly complained about us not having a lot of nice things – and we indeed were upper middle class and not a millimeter over the upper class line – but we had it rather great. As my father worked a professional job requiring his math brain, the money kept rolling in. And my mom (and I) would keep spending it.

But despite the “every time we come back from the mall” fights on spending it never was  a “real” issue. We weren’t in danger of losing the house. My private college tuition was paid for outright. So was my sister’s private school for a learning disability and then college. Apparently at some point my father’s company was sold and he did fairly well for himself in his stock and income appreciation. My parents should be comfortably set for life and then some.

However my father (who was told he had two years to live about nine years ago, mind you) and my mother have spent and spent and spent post “earning” years and with the stock market underperforming all his estimates about his finances didn’t quite pan out. Shocking for a man who made a career out of calculating risk. Yet, here we are today, with my father looking at all the numbers involved in the family finances and he can’t make heads or tails of it. There’s a massive home equity loan out that has to be paid back fairly soon, and there’s little left on it to borrow at this point anyway. He wanted to spend a lot on my wedding but, now that I better understand their financial situation – I realize it was not a good idea. It’s not that they are broke – they have social security and pension money coming in… about $100k a year. But in order to afford not only my wedding but also a winter condo they bought in the southeast and renovations to that condo and fixing a bunch of things breaking around their main house there is the reality that my dad had to pull out a bunch of money from the IRA bumping him up into a higher tax bracket so most of the income they’re making goes to taxes.

So they have to in the next few years pay back about $200k in home equity. How? The idea seems to be either from a reverse mortgage (which as I learn more about I really don’t like) or taking more money out of the IRA and paying a lot of taxes on it or, well, there aren’t many other options. The money is there, but it isn’t. They’re so much more fortunate than most people their age (due to smart saving at least and the possibility of a one-working-parent household being able to afford a nice life and a decent retirement) but their spending is just out of control. It’s not just my wedding – which theoretically my father had budgeted “forever” for – it’s the lack of acceptance of 1 – what life really costs and 2 – what their life really costs.

My father keeps talking about how they’re going to have to “get frugal” and I can’t help but laugh. They aren’t exactly going on luxury vacations but my parents do spend. My mother has no concept of money and I worry she’s going to eventually spend every last cent of her retirement money leaving her with “just” the monthly income – which at some point may not be enough to pay for her care. I’ll help, of course, as much as I can – but I’m stuck in the reality of my world which = I cannot ever afford a house, I cannot figure out how to save enough for my own/my family’s retirement, even on my current substantial income (which will not last because I’m about to completely crack in my current career and my next step is something less profitable but more personally fulfilling, I hope) – in any case, I’ll need to help out of guilt knowing how much my own life has cost them, but it’s still frustrating that this didn’t have to happen… they were doing so well and then they had to put an addition on the house and had to buy too-nice further for the vacation property and had to get a new dress for every wedding-related event coming up (I’m glad I talked my mother out of purchasing a $2000 dress for my wedding when the $300 dress she got looked WAY better than the one the fancy store was trying to sell her.)

I just worry too because I know that in so many years my father’s cancer will eventually end his life (I hope this is a long time out but who knows) and my mother will – god willing – life a very long time. But as bad with money and gullible as she is she’s suceptable to all sorts of scams and con arts and just about any potential way for her money to disappear. My dad likes to talk to me (so awkwardly) about how he wants my sister and I to get an inheritance – and I can’t comment on that because on and hand I think inheritances are just plain awful and unfair and should not be allowed and on the other hand the world we live in is one where people can or can not afford to, say, buy a house or send their kids to college due to such mini dynasties. It’s not a topic I’m comfortable talking about and I certainly don’t want to be the person held responsible for convincing my mom not to, you know, spend that money that one day would possibly end up trickling down to me and my sister – even though I honestly don’t want it if she needs to spend it, I just don’t want to see her getting conned. I worry I’ll have to be the responsible one because my sister knows nothing about money and clearly I’m the best educated on the topic (I don’t know how that happened but anyway, it happened.)

My father was even asking my advice on how to repay the home equity. I have no idea. $200 is a lot of money. It took me a very long time to save $200. Now I have almost double that. But it’s all locked up in retirement funds and such. It’s about half of the cost of their actual house. I don’t understand home ownership and the whole taking loans out against your property. It seems like he has a really great rate (2 percent?) so maybe that’s a smart/good thing. But it’s only smart insofar as the needed to spend the money. It’s my wedding but it’s more than that for sure. It’s just this nature of spending and spending and spending and being delusional slash not wanting to deal with the time to come when they really do need to be “frugal” in their own middle class sort of way… not something my mother has known how to do for years. I worry they’ll lose their home – though my father said that will never happen – but I’m starting to doubt his ability to predict these things. He seems rather surprised about how much taxes he owes in general and how things add up and money keeps disappearing. He seems perplexed that the stock market didn’t perform strongly so his networth shrunk more than expected and he didn’t have a backup plan to deal with this. And this all has led me to the conclusion that my father – the math guy – the financial industry risk expert – is actually really bad with personal finances. I worry for them, and I also hope somehow I can do better with my own family and wealth. I’m beginning to think that all starts with NOT owning property – EVER. Rent is expensive but at least it’s not handcuffs.