Get Rich Quick…. Quicker… Quickest

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On the eve of Facebook’s impending IPO, and all the buzz about the winners of the mega millions jackpot, the rest of us are left to attempt to build wealth out of our monthly savings. At the Personal Finance Conference a book on wealth generation was handed out to attendees, which stated clearly over and over again that the only way to really build wealth — other than to win the lotto — is to build something that other people want, and do it better than everyone else.

The good news is that I accidentally figured that out on my own. The bad news is that building anything is a huge risk, and has much more potential to fail than succeed. While I dream of getting rich overnight (who doesn’t) I personally feel that if I do not “earn” my wealth I would never feel comfortable spending it, even on reasonable purchases for a frugalista in the upper class.

PersonalCapital.com, my Mint.com replacement, is geared towards people who are actually saving and investing wealth (versus Mint’s focus on debt.) They recently added a really cool feature where you can put in your stock options in a private company and track vesting schedules. They even have a “what if” feature where you can put in the amount of the stock in the future and dream about how much you may have down the line, should your company be a huge success. Granted, I’ve already done this in Google Spreadsheets, but actually seeing the graph makes it feel that much more real. The difference between $3 a share and $5 are share becomes huge once all of the stock is vested.

Even so, I carefully plot my expenses and networth ignoring my company stock, not counting the amount I paid up front to exercise. If the company happens to fail, I’ll consider only the amount I paid to exercise a loss. But I’m not going to get my hopes up about the future too much. It’s definitely thrilling to think that I may have a shot at some sort of wealth at some point in my 30s. My boyfriend and future husband has not saved a dime — so it’s on me to build the life I want for myself and my one-day family. Deep down, I know I will be hugely disappointed if this doesn’t work out, at least somewhat. I don’t need $20M, but I’ve always felt that if I could have $1M by 35 I’d feel comfortable to not have to worry all the time about money, despite still having to work FT with kids, and $5M by 35 I’d be set to live the life I want.

So I guess my goal is $5M. That leaves $1.5M for a house (which is not extravagant in the bay area); $2M to invest and let grow, and $1.5M for life, kids, vacations. It’s quite possible that I’d never live in a $1.5M house, and instead move somewhere more affordable, buy a nice house for $800k, invest more, etc. I’d certainly want to start generously donating to charity, and would make sure to include that in my overall spending plan. $5M is certainly the dream.

It’s no April Fools joke that I have a much better chance of achieving that then ever winning the lottery. After my last startup that had no growth momentum, I went to work for a giant corporation, and decided that I never wanted to work for large corporate America again. Building companies is my passion, and it doesn’t hurt that if you get in early you have a shot at wealth.

The other day I read an article by a big businessman in Europe who said the trouble with today’s generation is that everyone wants to be Mark Zuckerberg and get rich quick. I don’t think that’s a problem, the only problem it creates is that company’s build what they can get out at the minimum versus having the time and funding to create something truly revolutionary. But for individuals, these products and companies can be very successful. Failing fast is probably the best advice I ever received in my life. After all, life is pretty short, whether you live to be 50 or 100. Even if you make it to 100, and you figure you will be working about 50 years between 20 and 70, that’s just 10 jobs if you stay at a company for 10 years. But if you stay at most 2 years, and only stay at the ones that have a solid chance for success longer, you can at least have a greater chance of success, especially in early-stage companies. Just make sure your company has a business plan and measurable objectives. If your business says it doesn’t need to worry about how to make money yet, unless you 100% believe in the idea and can imagine how it would eventually have revenues, get out, or don’t get in at all. When your company has a clear, measurable business model, you can tell very quickly if it’s going to succeed or fail, not just by the numbers, but by how management handles changes if they fail to hit those numbers.

But, really, who knows… it’s a crapshoot. I’ll continue to gaze like a starry-eyed dreamer at my PersonalCapital.com chart, showing how my $5M dream just may one day be a reality. In the meantime, I’m well on track to hit my target goal of $200k networth this year, which is all cash and investments. On that path, I may never have $5M, but I’m confident by the time I retire I can gather a million or two, as long as the world avoids any sort of apocalyptic nuclear holocausts… at which point, even $5M wouldn’t help anyway.

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What If I Don’t Want to be a Leader?

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It seems almost everyday there is an article written about there not being enough women, especially female leaders, in technology. While I’m not an engineer, I have managed to make a career for myself in tech. Not counting my first year out of school when I was working a variety of non-profit jobs, I now have 5.5 full years of experience working in some area of the technology industry.

There are days when I dream of one day being CEO or VP of a company, but in reality I don’t have what it takes to be a leader. I’ve written about my poor lack of management skills previously, and while some of them can be learned and approved on, I just don’t have what it takes to lead. I’m quite socially awkward to begin with, and I am a bit of a perfectionist. I have trouble managing myself let alone other people. I’m decent with managing an agency where the relationships are not so connected, but I can’t see myself becoming a true in-office team building type of leader, ever. I’m not a follower, either, though. I’m a do-er. I like to come up with ideas and make them happen, and then move on to the next project. (Maybe I should work for an agency… hmm…)

Leaders must be extremely confident in their own abilities, confident enough to make someone look up to them and at the same time not to worry that the person who gain enough power to replace them at any given time. They must know when to prod someone to improvement versus when to let things just get done. When they prod, they must be gentle but firm, and ideally closer to right than wrong. They must be able to follow up on priorities, ensure process is followed, and deliverables are of high quality.

Since I’ve decided I will never be a leader, at least not in the technology space, I’ve been wondering what my goal in life should be. It’s a bit frustrating because where I am now professionally, in a senior manager level role, puts me in a prime position to move on to better paying roles with leadership written all over them. When I get to that point, will I really want them? I wonder if there will come a time in my life when everything will click and I will suddenly be ready to lead. But I’m more absent-minded professor than slick and savvy CEO. But instead of dedicating my life to study and research, I yearn to create.

In 20 months I will be 30 years old. The biological clock is also ticking and this only makes me more confused over what my career path should be. I just cannot see myself as VP or CEO of a company — in fact, the only thing I can really clearly see myself being is a mother. That can happen with also being VP or CEO, but not in the way I envision it. Even if I was a natural born leader, would I ever be able to achieve the same career success as a man with the same talent and proclivities?

All the while, I don’t like the bitter taste business leaves in my mouth. I’m the type of person that wants everyone to win, and while it’s fun to feel part of a team competing against another group (in fact, the professional world is the first time I’ve ever felt like I sort of fit in), it’s still something that grates away at my values. It’s not my business in particular, it’s any business. It’s the nature of the game. Some people (I’m guessing mostly men) thrive on competition, which works well in business — especially cut-throat, rapidly changing industries like technology — but those people are definitely not me. I hate competition and I hate feeling like I’m attacking someone else(‘s product) or that they are attacking me back. Are there a lot of women that really enjoy this sort of this? Is it possible that men just thrive on this constant war and women biologically are inclined to protect and nurture?

This must be why the technology industry is such a boys club. I can’t talk the same talk. I can’t shoot jabs at the competition, or get into the game fully heart and soul. Watching newer members of my company, all male, jump on board and get into these conversations, makes me realize how much of an outsider I still am. It might be because I’m a woman, or it might be just because I’m not someone who excels in business. I’m reasonably talented at marketing strategy and overall enjoy anything involving strategic thinking and defining process. I’ll put down the rules to the battle, but will step out and take a long walk far away before the first shot rings out into the night.

The trouble is that success, at least financial success, relies on one’s ability to stand up and fight battle after battle with a chance they’ll win the war. Is it so wrong that deep down I want my knight in shining armor to come and rescue me from the war and tell me he’ll fight the battles while I stay home with the kids? Not that I really want to “stay home,” but I want that option, and more freedom. Many people don’t even have that option ever, and I don’t think I “deserve” it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want it. Or, that suddenly a life of doing a more mundane yet important job like cutting hair or designing living rooms seems much more attractive, versus everyday waking up to battle.

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Love, Stability, Excitement, Passion, Trust, Safety, Warmth…

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There is nothing I love more than waking up in my boyfriend’s arms wrapped tightly around me. This is a major improvement over my last bf who required that I sleep on the two-seater couch because he just couldn’t handle sharing the bed with me. There is so much about my relationship today that makes me incredibly happy, and I can’t imagine my life without my bf. We’re a bit co-dependent… ok, a lot co-dependent… but I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing.

However, as I get a bit older, I find myself around a lot of different types of men. Many who are more successful and established. The success doesn’t really matter to me, but the passion for getting out there and being excited about fully living does. I’m attracted to so many different types of people, but a fundamental element of this attraction is a lust for life. Being as I tend to be a negative person myself, it’s not good when I’m dating a Debbie Downer. We just bring each other down. And being as neither of us are incredibly social people — him by choice, myself by anxiety — we end up just drowning in our depression.

I always feel like I have to remind myself how much it sucks to be alone (because it does) and how much it sucks to have to be single and dating (because it really does) in order to not give into any sort of temptation for change. I can very clearly see what my life with my current bf will be. It won’t be filled with backyard barbecues and beer and good conversation with friends, or doing anything too social. It’s lonely because I have to put all the effort into any social relations outside of the two of us. And he’s just so quiet.

That said, before I put too much blame on him for the quietness, I really don’t have anything to say either. This makes it hard to start new relationships, for friendship or romantic reasons. After the first basic conversation, I get lost. I can talk about serious topics, but small talk is not a strong suit of mine. At least with my bf, we are comfortable sitting in silence over dinner. But that silence grates at me. I wish we could get into conversation about something… but what DO people talk about? We watch TV shows so we can occasionally have a short conversation about that — but we don’t follow sports or most mainstream topics. The news and politics just make us sad, and I get further depressed when he ends up making me sound like a conservative when he preaches his super liberal ideology.

There are a lot of things I find extremely sexy, and one of those is witty banter, sharp conversation, collaboration, creating together, even having a few glasses of wine together, I don’t feel like we have an adult relationship… we don’t because we’re not really adults, despite that he just turned 30 and I’m half way to 29. I don’t know if hanging out and drinking with friends really makes you an adult (or makes you healthy) but there’s something about being able to connect with the larger world through couplehood that my relationship is lacking. I wish I could marry my bf but still see other people for the excitement and connection I crave. Is that so terrible to want? No relationship is perfect. Clearly if I were with someone who had the excitement factor, they may be more likely to leave me for someone else who they find more exciting. I wouldn’t want to spend my life worried about this.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll look back in 10 years and be sad because I’ve lived a life of solitude, even one with amazingly sweet love. I feel like I haven’t really dated enough, even though I hate dating, to know one way or the other. But I can’t bring myself to even contemplating ending this relationship now… because there is so much I would miss. I haven’t had that problem in other relationships I’ve had, but with this one… maybe because all my few other relationships have been under two years and this one has been almost seven… but I’d miss him too much. I’d miss how he loves me. I’d miss the way he looks at me and how his green eyes sparkle with such sweetness. I’d miss his holding me when we watch TV shows and going to sleep and waking up in his arms.

But is that enough? I am working so hard now to establish a solid life for myself, financially, and I want a partner who I can explore the world with, who will expose me to new adventures and experiences. He’ll never be that person. I am not sure I need adventure, and I’m not sure life will allow it. But adventure doesn’t have to mean traveling around the world… it can just mean planning a surprise date, showing me something new, going to be social with friends… instead of just sitting at home, alone, together.

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How much for a minute?

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The sun goes down as fast at it came up, and the hours between disappear as I spend every waking minute attempting to keep up with work. I am a bit of a workaholic, so I don’t mind it so much, but lately it feels like there is no end in sight for being just buried in so much to do. While there are many tasks of my job that I over perform in, it still comes down to the other elements where I’m behind, or end up submitting substandard work because I’m rushing, taking no breaks, and not sleeping enough.

It’s already March, which amazes me, and I don’t remember the last time I felt like I could go outside for a walk without feeling guilty about not getting work done. That’s really taking a toll on my health as well. I’ve gained about 20lbs in the last year. I’ve given up on going to the doctor. A conference I’m attending soon goes through the weekend, so I’ve requested two days “off” in place of losing my weekend — which I’ve been granted — but I can’t imagine not working those days. If I don’t work, I just fall further and further behind.

That is, of course, one of the realities of working at a startup. Everyone puts their heart and soul into the work in hopes of a successful exit at some point. If things go well, the years of not seeing the sun might be worth it. Still, this just isn’t healthy, and it doesn’t help my productivity, so I need to somehow focus on catching up, getting ahead of things, and staying ahead. I wonder if that’s possible.

There are some things I can improve on, outside of work, that will help. Making sure my room is clean, getting rid of many of the clothes I don’t wear, keeping everything simple. Then, forcing myself to go for 30 minute walks per day. I was doing such a good job at that last year and I was even starting to lose weight, and then I got busy and put on even more weight. The final, and most important piece to the puzzle, is not signing on for more work than I can actually do. I haven’t figured out how to do that. It’s not that I have too many projects that I commit to, really, it’s just that so many other projects pop up along the way, and suddenly three months have gone by and my to-do list is a mile long. I know I’ve accomplished a lot… but not a lot of what I’ve accomplished is on the original to-do list.

It’s almost as if I know I can’t get everything done that is going to be thrown my way, so I might as well try to have a life outside of work, do the best I can, and if that’s not good enough, I’ll have to find something else. It’s not that I’m worried about finding another job — I’m confident in my experience and abilities at this point, and think I could find another position fairly quickly. It’s just that I really like my job and my company, I just get so frustrated when my life becomes this long run-on sentence and I forget how to live life.

Perhaps that’s just adult life, though.

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Fantasy Millionaire: How Far From Reality is It?

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One of the “benefits” that comes with working for a startup is stock options. I put benefits in quotation marks because stock options end up being worth nothing, or in the case of NSOs that you exercise early, end up costing you money. But along with the risk comes that little glimmer of hope that as the months go by, you’re quietly collecting what, in the future will be worth hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars.

At the same time, I’m still living in my $600 a month shared apartment, feeling depressed looking at basic homes in the area that cost $1M, and feeling like I’ll never come near to affording a home and stable life until my 50s or 60s. I’ve managed to save $170k thanks to the stock market returning and a weighted investment in Apple,  but that still is a long way away from the type of money you need to live a comfortable life in Silicon Valley. Meanwhile my boyfriend has saved absolutely nothing and will likely be enrolling in graduate school and taking on debt before we get married in a couple of years. Saving enough money to lead my dream life is all on me.

The possibilities of what stock options could be worth are exciting, but the reality of life is a bit of a mindfuck. It feels like all my chips are on red and the roulette is spinning for a half decade before I see where the ball lands. Luckily there aren’t too many great sacrifices because my life is pretty simple now. But in a few years when I want to have a family, that changes. I’m absolutely terrified of the future, and spend everyday wondering what if, or what if not.

At least there’s a tiny chance that my reality could be my dream reality — one where I reach financial independence before I have a family, where I can go back to school for art or film, and not worry about the financial implications of creative failure. I have so many dreams for this life, and with a little bit of luck, patience, tenacity, and hard work, maybe dreams can come true.

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