I do not want to lose my job.

I’m already feeling incredibly guilty for taking a small amount of additional time on disability for PPD, and am ashamed to face my colleagues when I return to work, especially knowing that I will be taking additional (legally-protected) leave in the next year to spend time with my kid. I hate, hate, have being THAT woman and would not blame my employer for figuring out the fastest way to show me the door.

I’m hoping that won’t happen. I don’t pray, but I’m praying that won’t happen. I just can see how they’re understanding how they can operate perfectly well without me, and they would rather replace me with someone else–or any mistake I make will be a quick reason to show me the door. I feel bad for becoming a mother and worse for not adjusting well to motherhood.

When I return to work, I really need to bring my A-game, from day one, through day a billion. I always try to do this, of course, but now I have to fight hard and strong to keep this job. I don’t deserve it, I am not good at it, and I have to try hard to do whatever it takes to be a good employee. I don’t know how to do this, because I’m socially awkward, unintelligent, and a complete fraud. But I’ll try. I’ll try and I’ll stop telling my husband I’m going to get fired because it makes him upset and he says I need to stop telling myself this because I self sabotage.

How can I keep this job? Like, really keep it. For at least three more years. Twelve more quarters. Thirty-six more months… 1095 more days…of amazing, irreplaceable-quality work.  Non stop. Full energy. Listening to my coworkers and doing whatever it takes to help them achieve their goals. Helping my boss who already looks great look even better. Being a team player. Never asking for anything other than the opportunity to do what’s right for the team and company. Maybe, maybe I can keep this job those 1095 days.

It’s a whole new ballgame now, being a mom. I’m terrified. I feel very alone in this journey and need to figure out how to just make it work, on my own. I wish I was smarter… higher IQ… or at least better at faking it. I’m so scared right now. It’s like I’m hanging onto a cliff with one hand with hurricane force winds swirling around me and gravity times a thousand puling me down. I’m holding on for dear life. I want to somehow minimize my interaction with others… I’ve been far to personally invested in my work projects. I get too emotional. I care too much. That’s the problem. I need to care less and do more.

There has to be a way.

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  1. anon reader says:

    How are you feeling these days? Are you doing OK? I’m just a frequent reader who sees a lot of herself in your posts and so I sometimes wonder how you are. 🙂 I struggle with depression too, so I empathize with you and I hope you’re coping OK.

  2. Labangel says:

    What Financial Orchid said * 1000. I struggle with the same things like needing less of sweating the small non-impactful details and more of focusing on doing the most impactful tasks. <3,

  3. Don’t worry. Constantly saying you’ll get fired around family/close friends is ABSOLUTELY normal. In fact, it’s a healthy release of pent of stress from the weekday because obviously you can’t express this at work.

    I also have friends who say that every time they see me and I am, shameful or not, in that boat as well. It’s an indication you’re in a high stress job. Heck, if it weren’t stressful you wouldn’t be paid so much.

    Anyway one close team my team works with today was completed disbanded. The paranoia is FOR REALZ.
    But financially I’ve been ready for 2 yrs now. Either way, it would be a mental shock to the system for ANYONE to be faced with sudden pivot.

    The important thing to do is to have a multi-step process. I will post about this shortly. I’ve planned it down to the day, and hour.

    You are a super strong mom! You will make it! There are ppl living in RVs in the bay WITH a baby and they are making it work. Some of these RV dwellers are also well educated, “high income” tech workers. They just got the honey badger don’t care down pat.

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