Why I’m So Stressed Out About Maternity Leave

Three months ago, I met with the director of benefits at my company who, after congratulating me on my pregnancy (then just starting my second trimester), told me point blank that I was not eligible to take more than 6 weeks off immediately following the birth of my child (paid or unpaid.)

Due to the way the California policy works, I would be eligible to take 12 more weeks off (6 of them semi paid, 6 unpaid) once I hit my “year” mark at work, but given I’d only be at 9 months when I would give birth, I was basically SOL.

I did ask if I could use any vacation time to make the leave longer (since we have “unlimited vacation time”) and was told no. I asked if I could take an unpaid leave and was told that I would be let go if I did not return to work at the start of week 7. It basically seemed like I had no choice, so I just accepted it, three months into my new job, grateful to have any protection and moved on.

But now that baby is just around the corner and I’ve been talking to more moms, I’m terrified of going back to work at 7 weeks post birth. Like, I will be nursing every two hours through the night and I just don’t know how I will be able to do this. Even if I do make it to the office I’ll be a zombie and useless. I’ll certainly perform poorly leading to getting let go anyway. I mean, I’m not sure I’ll suddenly be on my A game again after 10 or 12 weeks post birth, but it sounds like at that point baby might be sleeping a little bit more through the night, and hopefully so will I.

So now I’ve contacted the head of HR and I am worried I’m just making things worse for myself right now. But I talked to my (newish) boss who basically told me she wants me to take all the time up front and I tried to explain to her I can’t. Maybe if she talks to HR I can, but really they’d have to work something out as it seems like I can’t do this on my own. I’m already so terrified about pissing my boss off–I am not the type of person bosses like to begin with, so I’m just really trying to keep my head down and get my work done… but now I feel like I’m just a walking target the next time they’re looking to downsize or just get rid of that one person who doesn’t fit on the team.

And it sucks because I don’t even want to take that much time off… I feel like I’m doing ok now… not great, but ok… ok enough to maybe every day not feel like I’m about to get fired. Except when I’m gone for 8 weeks or 10 weeks or more, well, then people will forget about all the effort I put in this year and I’ll be back to square one. And regardless of when I go back I’ll certainly be more exhausted even if I try not to be since I am baby’s food source.

There are days I think I should just quit but I know I can’t. There’s the salary plus the health insurance plus the fact that my stock is worth a substantial amount and I don’t see any of that until early next year. I’m fortunate to be in this situation but at the same time I’m crying every single day because I don’t know what to do — how hard to I push HR? I’m so new to this job. I don’t deserve any protection. I know that my skillset is somewhat unique and hard to hire for — so there’s a chance they wouldn’t find a replacement for me in the extra six weeks I’d take. There’s also a chance they would.

Part of me feels like I should just shut up, come back to work at 7 weeks postpartum and hold my breathe for the rest of the year until I vest my first chunk of stock and get some of my bonus (whatever they decide to give me) and then if I’m completely frazzled and ready to jump off a bridge I can consider leaving if necessary. I don’t WANT to leave but at that point I may need to. Or maybe I won’t. But at least then I’ll have made it through phase #1 and should be at about $650k networth. It would still be very upsetting to leave as I’d be throwing away my career at that point, along with substantial upside, but I’m scared and feel like I’m constantly on edge and really just not doing so well from a mental health perspective right now.

I wish my husband cared to make more money but he doesn’t. He provides in so many other ways and will be home to take care of the kid while I work, and for that I’m grateful. But the costs of living here are just really too high and he could be making more if he wanted to but he consults for one small business on a part-time basis and never really gets raises so every year his income is worth less and less. Now with baby the flexibility is worth a lot but it just feels like we could be in so much of a better place if he had any interest in financial stability for our family. I know that’s not his thing and I knew that from when I first started dating him, so I can’t put this on him at all. It would just make it easier if we both earned about the same, but we don’t. It would make it easier if I was better at my job or wasn’t having a baby, but all these things are not the case.

I feel really really really shitty about asking HR for more than the 6 weeks, and for every single conversation I have with my boss about my leave. I feel guilty for having a kid and I feel guilty for knowing I won’t be able to dedicate the time I want to raising it because I’ll be so paranoid that I will look bad at work that I’ll probably increase my time and output at work compensate. All the while I’ll likely be extremely exhausted. Maybe I’m thinking too much worse case scenario but how awake can one be waking up every  2 hours to nurse all night?

So many parts of me want to just quit but those parts want to quit because I hate the guilt and embarrassment of being a pregnant woman less than a year into a new job and dealing with crappy US maternity leave policies and also not wanting to seem like I’m entitled to anything just because I made the choice to be a mom. I guess if it gets to the point at 7 weeks where I just cannot return to work for my mental wellbeing, I don’t, and I deal with the financial consequences (which would be brutal to the tune of $100k-$150k+ in lost earnings, depending on when I return to the workforce.)

And I have no one to talk to about this which makes it even harder. I can’t talk to my boss–she wants me to take all the time up front and doesn’t care (nor should she) about the pay or no pay situation. I can’t talk to HR because their job is protecting the company. I can’t talk to my husband because he knows I lose my jobs often and just sees this at yet another one of those situations. I can’t talk to my family, they don’t understand. I can’t talk to my friends–my female friends who have kids have husbands who make $300k+ per year and either are stay at home moms or run part-time businesses. I can’t talk to my therapist about it because this isn’t a mental health issue this is a I need advice on how to handle maternity leave issue. So I just feel really alone right now and that’s what hurts the most and leads me to this very dark, hopeless place. I’m trying to be excited about having a baby but I’m just scared. I know I’m lucky to have even 6 weeks of covered leave at semi pay, but what happens on week 7?

 

 

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9 comments

  1. mia says:

    Can your husband handle some of the night feedings? At 6 weeks, your baby will probably still need night feedings. Despite what the pro-breastfeeding people will tell you, there’s nothing wrong with supplementing with (or relying entirely on) formula. With formula, your husband and you can at least take shifts. Also, if you’re going to be going back at 6 weeks and your day is long, it makes sense to know your baby can take formula (even if you plan on pumping, since you won’t have much time to build a freezer stash and you don’t know how your body will react to pumping and whether you’ll want to take unpaid pumping breaks).

  2. D says:

    Is there higher up you can go? I never knew FMLA policy was different from state to state.

    I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. We definitely need to give women longer maternity leave like they do in other countries.

    Stay strong and goodluck

  3. Ana says:

    Can you try to ask for a reduced schedule for when you get back on week 7? Maybe a part time schedule of 20-30 hours instead of the normal 40? And/or, could you ask if they’d let you work from home? These could be good compromises. And I really think asking your boss to advocate for you to HR would help! I’m sure he/she cares about your well being and ability to contribute to the organization. That’s why they hired you.

  4. Money Beagle says:

    What about online communities? From what I can tell you rarely respond to comments on your blog, yet these are readers that care about what you’re saying and might be there to support or offer advice if you interacted more. Outside of your own blog, there are many other online forums and other blogs that you could research and seek out that could offer you a community of people that could listen and potentially offer some insight.

  5. Your pain is war and real.
    As a father of 6, we’ve been down this road several times before, however, on a different path.
    I’m working full time as a nursing home administrator and my wife has a busy home-based daycare. So there is no HR to deal with, neither am I the biggest help being an hour away from home during the daytime hours.
    Our youngest is now 4 months old and my wife hired someone to take over the group for the 6 weeks post birth at a full loss of revenue.
    Week #7 she was back to the group and she’s doing ok since then.
    Everyone is different though, and ‘results may vary’.

    One final point. Your struggle is real and I hope you do get the extra time you need. But don’t make this about the number of weeks. Regardless of how long you are out of work, you will come back to a major adjustment.

    So try your best to get the time you feel you will need, and then try to cope with whatever is decided. There is no point in giving up without a fight.

    You got this!

  6. Jamiee says:

    That’s ridiculous. They are just trying to save the org some money from denying you what is a natural requirement and also in the law? Well, like someone has mentioned above, your HR and manager need to share their heads and talk this through. I hope you succeed. Thanks.

  7. NZ Muse says:

    No advice just much sympathy from a fellow expectant breadwinner (paragraph 8 … oof, so much truth). Seems like HR and your manager really need to connect on this – I hope this gets straightened out for you.

    (One of my pregnant colleagues is currently in HR limbo waiting to hear if she’ll qualify for our paid mat leave for her surprise baby – currently according to the policy, technically no – which is a chunk of money as we have relatively generous paid parental leave at this org. This shiz sucks.)

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