Thinking I might need a new gameplan…

Although I really like this job, I think I’m going to fail at it because there are quite a few unrealistic expectations and I am now thinking I should be proactive in looking for what’s next before I fall on my face.

While I appreciate that I have been given the opportunity to lead a few high-visibility projects, I have very senior team members who are unhappy with their progression. I feel like I’ve done my best in managing them (a billion moving parts) but I am not delivering fast enough, and although I don’t think my job is necessarily at risk, I am not in a state right now where I can handle being yelled at for doing my actual best.

It’s really a shame as I like the job and a lot of the people I work with. I wanted to stay in this role for a good four years or more, but I emotionally am not strong enough for this. I’d like to hold on until next year to at least see some bonus and stock pay come through, and I’m going to try my best to make it that far, but I just feel like the company doesn’t want people like me. It’s closer to the right fit, but it’s still off. Maybe the role is just too senior. I don’t know. I’m hoping I can walk away from this job with a few good references — people who have seen me really doing my best, even if that isn’t enough.

It’s kind of soul crushing… trying so hard but still not getting it right. Maybe that’s just the nature of this entire field. Even when I think I’m doing an ok job, I’m reminded I’m not. And I just can’t do the work I do when I’m feeling this anxious. My brain freezes. It’s a vicious cycle to the bottom. I refuse to get laid off. I will walk before that time comes. I will be prepared.

If anything, I can make a good case for moving to a role that is lower level and closer to where I live, so I can spend more time with my kid.  The real reason will be I cannot handle it, kid or no kid. I’ll see how it’s going this winter — it will be so hard to say goodbye to the money — but I don’t think I can survive this. If my job was purely logistics I might be fine, but when I have to be creative and I can’t be creative when I’m this stressed, I can’t breathe, I can’t succeed, and I can’t do my best work for the company. It would be best if I can hold on for two solid years (well, 1.5 more) — and maybe I’ll try that — and only because I really like the direct team I work with… but I’m not sure I can.

I know I’m not the best at project management but I’m really trying here… I’m trying to make sure everyone is happy and I’m trying to do great work and it’s not working. I have two months left until maternity leave — it would be ridiculously dumb to make any rash moves now. I hold my breath and hang on for dear life and hope there aren’t any mass layoffs I’m caught up in. I plan to go back, strive to continue doing the best I can, and start planning an escape route. I’m quite sad about it, because I still want this to work. I really, really, really want this to work. It doesn’t and it won’t. Not long term anyway. Maybe after a year or two more, there will be many more doors open. Doors that aren’t quite as exciting and that pay less, but ones that don’t = me having a heart attack every other day.

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