Focusing on What Matters

Some days are better than others, but I’m feeling a lot more positive about this transition today now that I have been able to take a step back and breathe a bit. It’s certainly not the end of the world — I’ve been through this before and I’ve recovered. Yes, perhaps the three-strikes-your-out mentality is apt for this situation… lasting 6 months then 12 months and now 18 months in similar jobs and roles, improving a bit each time but clearly not fast enough to survive.

It tastes bad to be forced out, but the taste is always bittersweet. At the tail end of one opportunity is the beginning of the next, even if I can’t see it yet. I’m optimistic and for once feeling ok about taking some time to just pause and take time to figure it all out. My focus right now is shifted to finding health, happiness, and building a family.

I also decided that travel is very important to me. Before my severance runs out I’ll be taking a trip to Asia, which I’m quite excited about, and spending two weeks with my husband and sister and another week-and-a-half solo to just have some time to meditate amidst the Buddhists and humidity. I don’t expect to solve my life’s questions there, but I do plan to walk a lot and detox. I’ve hit my highest weight ever, which on top of everything is really horrible given I am quite unhealthy and to have a child I need to get my weight and blood sugar under control.

At 180 pounds, I have 40 pounds to lose to be healthy. That won’t happen overnight, but I can potentially lose about 10 between now and the end of my Asia trip, as long as I don’t overeat there. I want to lose another 10 by the end of August, when I’ll leave for another trip and focus on losing the next 10 on that trip in September.

I’m also getting serious about infertility treatments. To be honest, I’ve pushed them off because I know there is going to be a lot of heartbreak and I wasn’t ready for it. Now, I’m shockingly in a better place. Odds are against us, but we’re going to try. The doctor is starting us on basic fertility meds (Femera) and ultrasounds, and if that doesn’t work than either we go to IUI or jump straight to IVF, depending on how I respond. I’ve worked out a plan where when I get back from my trip I’ll be ready to do one cycle of the meds only. I doubt it will work, esp given my weight will still be so high even if I achieve the 10 pound loss I’m aiming for, but who knows, miracles happen.

It might be incredibly dumb to get pregnant without a job… I know that means that I will have to deal with having no maternity leave, even if I get a job this fall, but it is what it is. My husband is going back to school in the fall for a year to get his teaching credential, and we’re both going to just have to learn how to manage with less. I’m kind of excited about the challenge. There’s a time in life to save and there’s a time in life to… be happy. Now is time to be happy.

I wish with unemployment I was able to work freelance jobs, but if you work any hours you lose the unemployment for good. For the six months left in the year I’d be making $10.8k pre tax, which is  really nothing given my rent for 6 months is $7k and health insurance will run me $3k. Meanwhile, if I can find freelance work I can probably make $10.8k in 2-3 months of work spread out over the six months, or work more and make more. So, likely, I’ll be on unemployment for a month or two and then find work. I don’t want to rush into anything that is clearly the wrong fit, which means I’m going to be applying for jobs that are very different from my current job and it will take a while to find someone willing to give me a chance. And I’m ok with that.

My goal has been to get to $500k this year and I should pass that after my severance and vacation days are paid out, which is quite rewarding despite the cloud of failure. I’ll undoubtedly go under that again as I dip into my savings to survive, but I’ve given myself permission to spend a bit of money right now. Even if I dip to $450k after travels and weight loss and infertility treatments, it’s not the end of the world. Not many 33-year-olds I know have $450k saved up, so it’s not the end of the world to spend a bit now, cautiously, and to just get myself to a good place.

In short, life isn’t really that bad right now. It’s frustrating that I have yet to find my niche in the work world, and that I know I have a lot to offer but I also struggle with consistency, get overwhelmed by massive anxiety, and always fuck up the details. The final weeks of work are beautifully awkward right now (since my colleagues know I was fired as I failed to pretend I wasn’t) so I’m just going in a few days a week and trying to avoid eye contact with people and get my final projects done. It will be nice when it’s over, but it’s also really kind of them / useful for them to have me focus on finishing projects vs leaving everything half done, and letting me keep health insurance through the end of June, which is a major plus.

I wonder if I can get pregnant… it’s going to be a heck of an emotional rollercoaster to try. I just can’t expect anything and maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. It will happen if it’s meant to – that’s the best I can hope for at this point.

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