Depression Is…

I write here, anonymously, because adolescent angst is no longer all the rage when you’re 33. For those of you who regularly read my blog, I apologize for the negative tone it has taken as of late. I just use this as a place to anonymously document my life in all its bitter glory. Life isn’t really all that bad, so I ought to just shut up entirely about these thoughts and feelings that come into my head. But without having this venue to share, I might just explode – or implode.

Thank god I’m so terrified of death because killing myself is such a remarkably attractive option right now. I know it’s a long term solution to a short-term problem and I’m not going to do it. But nothing else makes sense right now. Honestly, when I think of all the possibilities in the world there is no positive outcome in sight. I’m tired, exhausted even, of my overthinking, of my overeating, of my failure to do my jobs well which might be  due to the fact I am lacking in abilities or skill or training or maybe I’m just horrible at consistency or perhaps I’m flat out dumb, at least in terms of real-world job skills.

This isn’t a pity party. This is me taking responsibility for my losing my way or never even having a way to begin with. I don’t know how I got down this path but it’s the wrong one. I don’t know what the right one is. I just let myself fall into jobs and I’m so fortunate to have any opportunities whatsoever. Jobs are jobs are jobs are jobs. I am bad at responsibility, at getting things done, at analyzing my work, at leading and following. Dear company please hire me I’m an awful employee and you will regret your decision if not from day one then at least from day seven, signed, you aren’t going to hire me anyway.

I can get jobs on occasion – but there is a very i trend that I’m trying to avoid… hiring manager thinks they know what they want, thinks that I’m god’s gift — thinks that because I am creative and passionate and different from everyone else they’ve interviewed that somehow I’ll be better. I’m the diamond in the rough. The needle in the haystack. Maybe I present myself well in the interview process, or my resume is intriguing, or I’m just too good at selling myself in short bursts but not much else. The trend continues – the roles are for small companies that have yet to establish themselves so they want incredible talent but most of the incredible talent is busy working for established companies or the rare early-stage businesses with A-list executives. When there is slim pickings to begin with, suddenly I seem rather attractive. When I join – if I join – I’m thrown into a world of impossibility. Those who succeed at this stage are the types that get work done fast and are extremely talented project managers, working with non-existent resources to move mountains. Meanwhile, I’m stuck before I start. I’m expected to be the expert because that’s what I supposedly am – but I think of a thousand different things to do and freeze. I can’t make decisions. I can’t move forward. Everything I do I think is shit. Then, the clouds part and I manically stay up all night and do something good. Maybe even great. I turn this in and maybe for a moment it seems like I can do this. We all breathe a sigh of relief. The sigh is abruptly interrupted with the reality that all the other things I was supposed to get done weren’t finished because I know no matter how great a job I do on these things they won’t actually help in the long term, I’m already so far in the red I’m bleeding. Now it’s just a matter of time before I let go. Once that thinking rears its ugly head, it’s impossible to focus. I become paranoid. And not just paranoid but right. I’m very intuitive and I can read people to a fault. Then I wait in a holding pattern until they let me go. Fire me. Ask me to leave. It’s always a nice ask. It’s always “we like you but.” It’s always obvious.

This time around hurts the most because my boss flat-out lied to my face. I don’t at all blame him for hiring my replacement – I don’t even know what I’m upset about because everything he is doing makes perfect sense. I just wish we didn’t have an open calendar system where I could see every interview happening, I wish I didn’t have to know that every one of my peers is meeting with the likely hire except for me, even though my boss told me, after I confronted him about hiring anyone to begin with, that I’d be involved in the interview process. Which was clearly a lie. I don’t even understand why he lied but that’s neither here nor there. Where I am now is knowing that my time is extremely limited. In fact, I’m rather certain that I was supposed to be fired in June, but an earlier replacement fell through, so I was kept on for the time being until they found someone else. Of course, the more I helped to make the company look good, which is my job, the more likely they could find a much better version of me to replace me with. It’s a no win situation unless somehow I figure out how to be just as magical as the person these people always think they’ve hired.

I turned down a job offer last week because I could see the signs of this happening again, only it paid less than my current job. I don’t mind taking a job for much less pay, I just want it to be in a new field or at least a new type of company. I have just a smidgen left of hope that if I work for a different kind of firm – maybe a bigger company and one that has more structure and where I can learn how to do my role well instead of being expected to know everything from the beginning while begging for resources, I could possibly succeed. Who knows. I need to have hope or I have nothing.

It is sad but I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs and received no calls. Not one. The only opportunities that I’ve had are through recruiters or referrals. The problem with recruiters is that they look at my profile and place me in interviews for the exact same type of roles. Their job is to find candidates that are likely to get hired because that is how they get paid. My profile is great for all the roles I don’t want. Yet applying for anything even slightly different is fruitless. I am at my wit’s end.

All of this and — I know it’s crazy — but I want to get pregnant this year. Well, I am 33 and I’m not getting any younger. I’ve saved up a sizable amount of money that in any other city would be considered a lot but here it’s pennies. Mr. HECC and I have talked about relocating, but even that is scary because at least here so far I know there are jobs – even if they are ones that I can’t last in all that long – I so far have managed to remain gainfully employed with the exception of a few months here or there. I’ve looked up jobs like the ones I know I can get (or at least get interviews for) in other cities and they just don’t exist. Here, they are plentiful, at least for now. It seems silly to leave. How will I afford to have a child?

Yes, I’m way ahead of many people who have children. $400k in the bank plus my husband’s savings and no student loans for either of us is nothing to shake a stick at. Yet long term I need to find a job – a career – which I can remain gainfully employed. I look and look and I can’t see anything that makes sense here. Despite it hurting, I can handle getting fired now – married but without kids – but what would I tell my children when I get fired once a year? That’s not sustainable and it certainly isn’t the life I want or the mother I want to be.

My kid(s) won’t really know much of what is going on until they are two or so (as long as I don’t show my depression around them) so even if I get pregnant this year I have three years give or take to figure shit out. That’s a long time. I’d like to think I can turn this all around in three years. Maybe it requires embarking on a totally new career – going back to school  – taking online classes – moving to a new city – somehow finding a job that is more redundant in output and less creative that I can maintain – or, alternatively, one that is creative but provides structure and resources to produce consistently.

In any case, this current reality of mine isn’t panning out. I’m trying not to cry in front of my husband. I know he feels bad and gets frustrated with me. He said he’s going to start looking for a new job next year but I don’t know if I should really push him at this point. It would be nice if he had health insurance through work so I could be on his insurance and at least have some stability there should I want to freelance for a while to get myself together. He’s on my insurance right now and should I lose my job we’d go on Obamacare but that’s still going to be expensive and not that great. Anyway, I’m on my own here and it’s up to me to figure this all out. I am not sure I can.

The other day as I was binging on some random junk food I thought to myself that even though I felt sick eating this sweet and salty mixture was the only thing that made me feel happy — the only thing that makes me feel happy is stuffing my face. That’s not good. That’s really not good. But it’s the truth. I guess I’m just depressed. That isn’t an excuse, it just is what it is. I don’t even feel like applying for or getting a new job right now… how can I sell myself when I don’t believe it? How can I attempt to market myself when I already know that I need to be recalled?

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2 comments

  1. rubin says:

    if writing your thought on this blog help you in any way, please keep on writing. i find your blog to be honest & intesting.
    after all most of us struggle daily in our lives and yet we dont have the gut to talk or write about it.

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