My husband wants me to focus on the present. He’s right. I need to stop worrying about the future. I need to stop spinning on the same concerns and focus on now. Maybe then I’d find happiness or at least contentment. And I’d get things done.
I’ve been having panic attacks lately about the cost of life and my inability to maintain my career. We want to have children soon – I’m turning 33 in a month – yet I feel so horribly unprepared. Yes, I have $400k in the bank when most people who have kids are still in debt, but that just doesn’t feel like enough. What I need is a job that I can see myself in 30 years from now while also being able to be the mother I want to be. I don’t see that in my current job. I have no idea what I can do that makes enough money to support the life I want.
My husband is set on becoming a teacher at 35, which means he’ll be starting out at $40k-$50k. I hate how unhappy that makes me. I want to be supportive of him and his dreams. And I think he’ll be a GREAT teacher. He’ll be the type of teacher that inspires generations of students. He should be a teacher. But the income is just so low — and it scares me so much. I don’t want to be one of those women who expects her husband to earn more than she does, and clearly that will never happen with a career as a public school teacher, but I just wish there was some acknowledgement on his part of how this will effect our lives. When I bring it up I sound like a crazy gold digging complainer. I can’t have a rational conversation about it because I don’t even know what I think… I want to be supportive, I think he should do it, but then it puts me in a really tough situation of having to making at least $150k a year for the rest of my working life (and ideally even more income.)
I just cannot sustain that, especially not when I have children. I don’t know how to handle the reality of what’s to come. I should probably just pat myself on the back for managing to have a job that earns almost $200k now and for being on track to a half million in savings before I give birth – but that feels like nothing. That IS nothing. I need a $150k-$200k job for the next 35 years. That’s my life. If I’m lucky. I can’t lose my job. I can’t fall victim to my depression and anxiety. I will really be the breadwinner. I will be trapped.
And the fear of being trapped is what scares me the most. Even though I’m depressed and anxious and an utter emotional mess, knowing I can pick myself up and start over again is the one saving grace to my sanity right now.
So you’d think I shouldn’t have kids. But I really want kids. At least one kid, hopefully two. I know the meaning of life is family, not work. I don’t want work to become the reason I never let myself live.
And I’m so terrified of it all.