So many doors… but are any of them the right ones?

Amazingly enough, I have 3+ almost opportunities on the table today. Each is very different, yet they’re all generally in this field which I think I need to leave. It’s just very hard to change careers when people are practically begging you to work for them doing what you’re supposedly good at doing. Somehow I manage to interview well but it’s the day-to-day management of the details that is just not my forte. All of the opps have their pros and cons. I’m waiting on the offers to see what the packages would be, but this time around I REALLY don’t want to pick based on salary alone (yes, last time I opted for a package worth at least $40k more but look where that got me… well, $50k closer to my financial goals but otherwise back where I started!)

I hate decisions. I really would prefer to become a consultant and freelance so I could work for numerous companies and there would never be an issue with staying at a place for 3 or 6 months, as that’s part of consulting. I found it quite hilarious and at the same time disheartening when an old boss who knows me quite well, and actually likes the work I did, told me on a call the other day that managing people isn’t my forte. He also went on to tell me that it’s not good that I’ve had a series of short stints in jobs (I didn’t tell him that I was actually axed from this one, I just said it’s time to move on) and he went on and on about how bad it is to be in jobs for such short amounts of time, and proceeded immediately to ask me if I’d want to work for his company. But he does have a point – it doesn’t look the greatest to just be in jobs 6 months or even a year. In this field a year is the minimum one can do full time without seeming like a job jumper… but after a while, in more senior roles, it’s really ideal to stay longer… at least 2-3 years, if not more.

Beyond the career tenure (or lack thereof) what really struck me most was his reminder that I’m not a detail-oriented management type. The unfortunate thing is the two roles I’m very far along on are both more management positions — one is a much smaller company so there’d be more day-to-day, hands on work — whereas the larger company would probably be more strategy and then driving that to execution. And I’m still pretty certain that this whole field is just wrong for me to begin with. I just feel so stuck. I’m too scared to make any drastic changes. It seems just dumb now — even if I don’t make as much as  I was making this past year I should still be doing reasonably well. If I start over… who knows.

For being such a fuck up I’ve done ok so far but it’s time to get serious. Down to business. I can’t just keep making the same career mistakes over and over again. I’m very nervous about the upcoming negotiations with the two firms all while continuing to interview with others and to somehow ensure my old boss provides a good reference (again) even though he thinks I can’t manage a jar of fruit flies.

I try to remind myself that there is some truth to the companies I’ve worked for just being – hot messes – but it’s my fault to put myself in those situations and worse it’s my fault to not figure out how to survive them. Other people I know are just so much better at that.

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