Should We Just Skip the Wedding?

The whole wedding ritual is so archaic that modern women like myself should not even consider partaking in such frivolous festivities. This it the one moment in my life where I’m incredibly torn – with all the drama that goes into planning a wedding with guests across the country, and the reality that a large chunk of them won’t be able to make it anyway, why should we bother with anything beyond a simple elopement? My parents seem surprisingly ok with that – they have saved the money to foot the bill for a relatively big wedding, but at this point in their lives they don’t seem as if they’d be heartbroken without the whole shcabang. They would have been a few years back, but now they’re pretty much fine with whatever will equate to grandchildren sooner than later. So why do it?

My fiancé wants to have a nice, romantic wedding. It’s important to him for the right reasons. To me, it’s a giant and costly production, even if I’m footing only the emotional half of the bill. Honestly, it feels incredibly foolish to contemplate spending $30k+ to be the center of attention for 5 hours that I’ll be too exhausted and stressed out over to even enjoy. But if I don’t have an actual wedding – won’t I massively regret that later? Or, will I massively regret the fact that my parents blew through a chunk of their retirement savings (which is sizable due to a pension and social security, but not exactly enough to ensure permanent financial independence)?

There are so many different ways to have a wedding. I know. There are plenty of ways to reduce costs and still have a lovely time. And, at the end of the day, who cares who shows up, as long as the bride and groom make it to the alter. I want to honestly believe that. But Ms. Devil sitting on my shoulder is screaming “throw a freaking crazy amazing party in a beautiful location that people will talk about forever.” Uh, hello narcissist.

But aren’t modern weddings narcissistic and ridiculous to begin with? Where does one draw the line? I understand the point of celebrating permanent devotion to another person, but in front of 200 of your “closest friends and family” seems a bit nutso. Of course, when you try to limit the guest list you can’t really do this and have the people you actually want there and then all those other people your parents are making you invite there. I refuse to have a wedding where I don’t invite certain friends because their seat gets filled by a third cousin twice removed, even if it means that I seriously need to consider footing the bill for my own event.

And that does make sense – I have a job. I have savings. I have a life. My parents paid for so much of it until I finally became an independent adult post college graduation. And now, this final “gift” looms over my head like some dark cloud that was supposed to be a rainbow. Knowing that my parents are both absolutely crazy will only add to the stress of the special day (but I wouldn’t want to get married without them there!) I’m actually seriously considering elopement, although it’s still unlikely. I wrote to my cousins today to ask them if they had a month that would be better for them to attend a wedding in 2016, just to see what sort of response I’d get. Many just won’t be able to make it no matter what. Some refuse to travel across the country. I understand it’s a financial issue for some of them as well, so I can’t get too upset. But what hurts more is knowing that I’m not that close to that many people – not even the people I grew up with, the people who once were my close family. I still consider them close family, but to them I’m a long lost relative.

So if I actually focus on the fact that the wedding is about my fiancé and I, and not about anyone else, then maybe we’d elope in Yosemite or something at the side of a lake, with a few guests surrounding us to share in the moment, and then we’d go camping for a week together. I’d prefer that over a super fancy wedding – so why am I destined to have this super fancy wedding that I’m not sure I actually want?

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