Happiness Versus Fear of Uncertainty and the Depersonalization Effect

Taking off next to another plane this morning, I gazed out the window watching our planes part in opposite directions across a perfectly clear sky. The view was spectacular. I fly a lot, but there was something extra magical about the colors today, the light pouring over San Francisco, tinting the Golden Gate Bridge extra golden, the Pacific Ocean twinkling so bright it seemed as though despite the gain in altitude I could still reach out and touch it until our flight made its final turn to the east.

I love to wake up in the morning wrapped in the arms of my boyfriend, his gentle smile, and pull around me in a warm hug drifting in and out of consciousness. I’m very excited about moving in with him and starting our – adult – life together. As terrified as I am about the future, I finally feel ready for the next steps, whatever they may be. Living with my boyfriend, getting married, trying to have kids, maybe having one or two — being two months into 30 I definitely feel a change in my perception of the world and what I want.

That’s why it’s so frustrating to be caught up in my anxiety. I’ve been reading up on the spells I’ve been experiencing and it sounds like they are actually some sort of aura. I’ve never experienced them before, so I didn’t think that was what they were. There’s a lot on the internet about how anxiety causes these auras — in many cases these are precursors to migraines. My description of a minute or two where I feel completely spaced out, with a metallic taste in my mouth, a strange fear come over me, a heated deja vu and sadness, is actually a thing. It’s called depersonalization and it relates to a whole bunch of medical conditions ranging from simple anxiety to much worse. I’m a bit scared at the moment so will probably see a doctor should these conditions continue. It’s probably just stress.

There is a lot going on in my life right now. As much as the last four years of my life wasn’t perfect, I enjoyed getting into a certain rhythm. I didn’t love having to live with roommates who were not my friends, but I enjoyed my apartment — the area around it is lovely and coming home everyday was calming. I wasn’t in a shitty home that felt temporary anymore, my life finally stabilized. My career and job was going well, and I had settled into my relationship with a boyfriend who couldn’t be more loyal and loving. Things weren’t perfect, but they were settled. Sure I grew restless, but the stability felt good.

Suddenly everything is up in the air again. I’m looking at moving into a place that will again feel like a crappy apartment. Maybe I’m quite spoiled but these types of environments make me nervous. I just want to live somewhere that feels like a real home. And it’s all happening soon … at least the move, where we have to find a place for my boyfriend to move on March 1, and I’ll join him soon after there April 1. Then there’s the job situation which becomes more unclear on a daily basis. I’m terrible with uncertainty and here I am, smack dab in the middle of I have no idea what’s going on in my life. Thank god my relationship is stable. We’ll have been dating EIGHT years this May. How’s that for stable? Everything else is, well, shaky.

Is that what is causing these strange episodes? The spells where I don’t feel “panic” but instead feel detached from the world, as if i’m looking at it through a window? That actually is a description of depersonalization that I read in wikipedia and that’s exactly how I feel during an episode. It’s so strange. I’m amazed that it’s actually a thing that other people have experienced. I thought I was just going crazy. Well, I am going crazy, but it clearly is a result of all the anxiety I’m swallowing these days.

 

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