The Forcing Function to Growing Up

It may be that I’m drawn to my boyfriend because of his chronic depression. He is sweet, loving, and has no instincts to obtain more than what he has. He doesn’t judge me for my failures and he doesn’t overly reward me for my successes. I know that he’ll love me whether I’m a CEO or unemployed all the same.

But what is so challenging is that there’s only so much fantasy world one can take. Reality requires couples to work together if they want to have a family. His living in a shed of sorts on his grandparents property at 30 years old would make any other woman run for the hills. The housing situation doesn’t bother me much anymore, but the lack of motivation, and the lack of ability to take action does. I know that he just needs to take action to snap out of his depression, as I’m the same way, but I’m the type that will do something to try to change my situation where he’ll just get stuck until a forcing function to change arises.

Tomorrow, a social worker is visiting his home to determine if the living situation is adequate for his 85-year-old grandmother and 92-year-old grandfather. The house is a mess, but due to their own oddities and hoarding behavior. This isn’t something that they started in their senior years, they’ve always been this way. Nonetheless, it’s unclear if the social worker will believe this or if they will say the conditions are unfit for elders. If so, it may be time for him – and his mother – to move out.

Yes, his mother, age 60, still lives with her parents. She never left home. And she isn’t a caretaker for her parents as their relationship is still somewhat like she is a 5 year old girl and they yell and her and she yells back. She was never married, had one child (my bf), and seems to have never grown up herself.

All eyes are on what will happen tomorrow. It may be the social worker comes and determines everything is fine. Life will go on as always, at least for now. But I can’t imagine that will be the case. The entire situation is just odd, it will raise an eyebrow or two for sure. And part of me (perhaps the evil part) wants shit to hit the fan so he can finally move on. He says he wants to move out, but he quit his job, he is supposed to be applying for other jobs, but he hasn’t even put a resume together yet. He’s super depressed and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to help him, but I’m half falling apart myself, it’s challenging to put myself in that role. And usually when I offer to help he is upset that I’ve asked. He’s starting to open up to my help, and as I like to fix things outside of my own issues it’s fun to have a project to help someone I care so much about, but I don’t know how much I can help.

Yesterday, I came up with a plan to pay rent in a one bedroom ($1400-$1600 / month) if he would cover our food costs (we’d save money living together on food since we eat out all the time, and he could cook until he found a FT job.) It would be amazing to live with him, I’m really ready for that. But it would increase my rent 100% from its current $700. Logically that doesn’t make sense. I just think both of us need this right now. He needs to get out of his house, and I need to feel like despite earning over $100k per year I’m still stuck in a home with two roommates (who happen to be a couple) where I feel awkward – where I’m told families are coming to visit for the weekend and stay at our place without a kind request over whether they can stay. My home environment may not be as toxic as his, but it’s close.

I’ve even considered looking into purchasing property. I could buy a one-bedroom condo and avoid buying a car for a while. Even if it would cost more than I’m paying now, theoretically that money would be going into ownership. And I could see living in a 1br for 5 years and turning it into a rental or selling it when we’re ready to move into a bigger place. I’m terrified of real estate however as if I were to lose my job it would be much scarier than it is now. But it would be pretty amazing to have a place to really call home, instead of feeling like a visitor in my own apartment.

I dream of coming home to a place where I’m allowed to wear my shoes to walk into my bedroom on the tile floor hallway, instead of being asked to take them off at the door. To walk around the kitchen in pajamas without worrying if a random person will be coming over without forewarning. To be able to sit in the living room and fall asleep on the couch if I want to because it’s my home.

What is it I’m working for if I can’t even have a place that feels like home to return to at night? Maybe it’s time to take that leap – even if it means paying more than my boyfriend does for a while. Men have done this for years – paid while their girlfriend makes less money or perhaps doesn’t work at all. So what’s wrong with switching that up? And maybe if I can get him out of that toxic environment he can move forward with his life, separate from his mother, and get a real full time job which hopefully he enjoys. Is that too much to ask?

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One comment

  1. Victor says:

    I think you should definitely look into renting an apartment for just the two of you. It sounds like your current arrangements for both of you are not helping either of you move forward to where you need your relationship to be. Getting your bf out of that depressing environment will hopefully get him motivated to find a job and at the very least, will get you two feeling like you're independent and moving forward as a couple. I wouldn't recommend buying a condo that won't accommodate a child if you are even considering having one in the next 5 years. You don't want to be tied down to your house or add any stress in the event that you lose your job. There's nothing wrong with renting, until you're 100% sure you want to live somewhere for at least 10 years.

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