If you’ve been reading my blog for longer than two minutes you probably can guess (or have read) that I have ADHD. I don’t entirely believe in ADD or ADHD (I think its caused by anxiety, which I happen to believe is the cause of most mental disorders) but for whatever it’s worth, I have all the symptoms. I’m distracted, disorganized, have never followed a routine for longer than maybe two days at a time, and am pretty sure my intellectual potential far surpasses any of my output.
Every year, especially around this time, I tell myself — this year I will get organized. This year I will figure out what to do with my life. This year I’ll wake up early, go to the gym, get to work at a reasonable time every morning, work hard from 9-6:30, take an actual lunch break (not work through lunch), come home, clean, do laundry, COOK DINNER, read a book, go to sleep around 10, wake up and do it all again…
And every year, I know it’s not really going to happen. Not without some serious outside help that I’ve yet to find. I don’t know why I’m so unable to keep to routine. I don’t understand how most people do easily (or seemingly easily.) For me, it takes so much focus and energy to accomplish anything once, let alone multiple times on repeat into the foreseeable future.
I still feel like a child, albeit one who understands the world overall fairly well, but I’m still a kid in my mind, wanting to run off on a whim, commit to nothing, yet still have the security of being taken care of, and living a life where risk is just s synonym for trying something new without the fear of any serious kind of failure.
Here’s why I’m depressed — I am afraid of everything. I’m afraid of trying and failing but I’m even more afraid of trying and succeeding. What’s success? It always seemed like some sort of end to me. End of childhood. End of my 20s. End of growing up and instead being grown. At least failing you have somewhere up to go. I think too much. Constantly. My mind is filled with worry. I check my budget compulsively. Not routinely. Routine is alien to my very existence.
I oft wonder if some ADHD drug would help me focus… but every psych wants to treat my depression and anxiety before treating ADD. So I get drugged up on SSRI’s and give up on them because they put me to sleep, they don’t help me focus, they don’t make me able to handle routine, they just make me feel out of it, like a zombie who is unable to cry, who isn’t happy or sad. That’s not getting me anywhere.
Whenever I consider actually applying to grad school there feels like a huge brick wall up in front of my face that I can’t get passed. First is figuring out what I want to do with my life (I want to do everything and I want to do absolutely nothing), then there’s actually having faith in my ability to do graduate-level work (I struggle with writing, math, reading, well… focusing, and just about everything that is required of academia) so then I think “what am I thinking? I can’t do graduate work. I barely got through undergrad and somehow took enough classes to squeak by with a 3.2 from an average (ie non-impressive) liberal arts school. I don’t necessarily want a PhD, an MA or MFA is more likely, as my graduate study should probably be largely about learning and applying skills, not solely research. But I worry about the level of other students who would go to any of these programs – they’d undoubtedly be smarter and more capable of focus than I am. They’d already know a lot more about whatever field I decide to study. I’d never be able to prepare enough to feel competitive in any graduate program worth attending. Then there’s the pressure of applying — I was lucky in undergrad, I applied to 5 schools, and even with a miserable high school GPA I was accepted to 4 out of the 5, mostly based on my artwork. But now… I don’t know who would want me. I’m average at best and not sure what I could contribute to any program. Then there’s my average GRE scores (not getting into any of the Ivy-level schools I like to daydream about) and my fear of asking anyone to write me a letter of recommendation. And beyond all that there’s the cost of grad school which I can’t even comprehend. Right now I’ve at least gotten myself comfortable with saving… if I can stick to my budget, I’ll save $20k next year. But grad school looks like it will cost me $50k per year. For 3 years. After putting so much effort into getting accepted I then would have to take out HUGE loans that I’d pay back for practically the rest of my life.
Or I could… not go to grad school. I could find a job that I’m good at. But what IS that job? I get bored so easily. I fall for every job at the beginning and then after a year I’m ready to move on. It’s like this with every other aspect of my life as well, but even more so with work because it feels like it’s my entire life. I hate feeling infinitely trapped as an indentured servant of capitalism. But that’s life. Can’t I just accept it and move on? Why can’t I just… focus?