Vibrators are Too Expensive (and they break easily)

I once spent $100 on a vibrator. It was a glorious instrument of pleasure, to say the least. At first glance, the purple translucent dong filled with “pearls” and adorning an attached rabbit head made me think of anything but sexy. Turned off, it looked like a foolish child’s toy meant to be fetched in the deep end of a pool. Turned on, it sounded like a continuous fart meets an earthquake.

But then, as bunny ears blurred into ecstasy via vibration, despite the symphony of mechanical buzzing, I couldn’t help but revel in my overpriced lump of plastic.

A few months later, my beautiful toy broke.

“Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!” I screamed.

(Well, I didn’t actually scream that, but I like the sound of it for dramatic effect.)

I couldn’t run off to purchase another $100 vibrator. Besides, by that point I found myself a boyfriend and I felt he ought to replace my purple friend.

But, come on, can a boyfriend really work such magic?

I searched the Internet and local sex stores (which make me feel totally awkward btw — either they’re meant for dirty old men, or they’re designed like mini museums for women and gay men seeking out their masterpiece butt plug) and spent another $30 here and there trying to buy something cheap that would do the trick. I learned quickly that in the world of sex toys, the pricetag matters.

So… I called out my inner child… the one who discovered the wonders of the waterhead massager in the shower and the amazing vibrations of an electric shaver once the blade had been removed. Oh, and yes, the joys of the electric toothbrush, sans bristled head. Those were the days when in order to get off, money was not an issue. It was my fingers or whatever object I could find that would vibrate.

(Don’t tell me I’m the only girl out there who went through that “phase.”)

Since I wasn’t going to spend another $100 on a vibrator that would break in a few months, I instead went to the local drug store and bought myself an electric shaver for 5 bucks. And you know what? It was heaven. It wasn’t exactly the purple phallus of joy I had spent my money on during college, but it worked.

Moral of the story is… I highly recommend that when you have the money, you should try a quality sex toy at least once in your life. But if you’re in the mood for some self-pleasing fun and you don’t have a few hundred dollars a month set aside for a special “masturbation budget,” there are plenty of cheaper items you can use. Get creative! Just be sure to properly clean said item(s) in order to avoid icky bacteria infections. Store-bought sex toys are often designed to be cleaned easily, so you might have to spend extra time on the cleansing portion of your, uh, alone time.

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12 comments

  1. vibrators says:

    “Oh, and yes, the joys of the electric toothbrush” Hahhaahaha that made me chuckle!

    It is true, that Cheap Vibrators are not as good as some of the top branded ones, but even so, fun can be had by just about anything with a ‘creative mindset’ 😉

  2. jen says:

    Haha wow, you are not alone. Same exact experiences here!I actually purchased the JeJoue, which set me back about ~$250… sadly it doesn't hold its charge for more than a day or so, gets extremely hot while charging, I've misplaced the AC adapter, and it wasn't all that I hoped it would be even when I had it up and running. Worst of all, unlike other gadgets and electronics, you can't decide you don't like your vibrator and foist it off on someone else on eBay. Ewww!!!I've pretty much settled into a happy coexistance between my husband, a silver bullet-type vibe, and a Wahl "massager" with a special soft attachment. Granted I've always wanted to try one of the rabbit-types but at the price (and reports of breakages like yours) I've decided to learn my lesson from the JeJoue and await a more um… robust beastie.

  3. erinmaha05 says:

    well my ex boyfriend bought me a 60 dollar vibrator about…2 years ago? Three? We were just going to play with it…see if it would spice up our sex lives. We ended up breaking up and i still have the thing. It's lasted a LONG time.

  4. HerEveryCentCounts says:

    Anonymous: Hah, thanks! I felt a wee bit bad after reading E.C.’s comment, as the last thing I wanted to do was make anyone feel awkward by having a giant purple vibrator show up on their screen while reading my generally bland Personal Finance blog at work. But I’m glad that in the end, it seems it makes more sense to have readers who like my honesty than ones who are afraid of giant purple vibrators. They’re actually kind of cute.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Just wanted to weigh in on the other side of e.c.'s post – this made me add you! Net loss zero; continue as you were.

  6. E.C. says:

    Um, I'm afraid I had to take you off my blogroll because of this post. It's your site and you can post whatever you want, but the photo was a bit much. It isn't so much that I object to the content as to stumbling across this sort of thing on what is generally an innocuous personal finance blog. I'm very glad I was home alone when I decided to check your blog Friday morning; I often peruse it during downtime in the lab, and that picture isn't something I'd want to have to explain to my professor or the slightly creepy male grad student with whom I work.

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